Notes on Polyamory...

Polyamory is really much ado about absolutely nothing. Back in the day, my mum, Mama Afam would sit me down and say, "Afam! Let me tell you! There's absolutely nothing new under the sun! Human beings have been freaky since the time of Sodom and Gomorrah." She was right. Polyamory is old fashioned freakiness with a millennial name. 

For those of you who don't know what it actually means, it's what happens when people have more than one partner and everyone is cool with it. This means that A can date B and C and D while B dates E and F and G. And that all 7 of them know about each other, and are fine with whatever's going on. 

Normally the legs of my content don't stretch this far. I wouldn't have had any cause to think about polyamory today if Jidenna, a popular musician, who's also part Nigerian hadn't mentioned it. 

He tweeted the following.

"I believe in monogamy. I believe in polyamory. I believe in marriage. I believe in non-traditional union. There are agreements & compromises to be made in every relationship. Most of all, I believe in Love & Honesty as the foundation. I’m looking for wifey..."

I have many thoughts. The first is, STOP LYING. You can only realistically believe in all these things apart if you have several people living in your body. The moment you say you're looking for wifey, you've cast your lot with monogamy.

Monogamy isn't actually as inflexible as it sounds. It simply means that in the event that someone dies and someone asks, "Who is the husband/ Who is the wife/ Who is the boyfriend/ Who is the girlfriend" only one person stands up.

I suppose my main problem with polyamory is that people are generally terrible at talking about love, sex and everything else in between. If honesty is difficult enough when there are two, then it will be impossible with 4. Someone is going to be unhappy in this confection of modernity, and when it unravels it won't be a shouting match it'll be a battle royale between however many people are engaging in your love cult at any given time. 

And then, what do you do if the minor bae is trying to take your place as the main bae? Who gets the largest share of the property if someone dies without a will? How do you coordinate everything? Do you have a group chat for all the people in your relationship? When you fight does everyone join in? Do people take sides? What do you do if the circle keeps expanding and at the end you've entered into a polyamorous relationship with your sibling?

 All of these questions are incredibly stressful. It's things like this that make me feel rather conservative. I would rather you cheated on me with full confidence than tried to talk me into anything quite so modern as polyamory. I will be thirty soon. You should save that stuff for my children. 

I think I have hyperventilated myself to a conclusion. 

If polyamory works for you then that's fantastic. For me, it'll be a really quick way to a nervous breakdown. Breaking up with one person is a near fatal event, doing it with three is tying yourself to your own funeral pyre and flinging your ashes into a volcano. 

ps...

I reviewed the lyrics of Bambi and if the song is to be believed his grandfather had 7 wives and he refers to his love life as a spiderweb. So I suppose that explains everything.