Gbaddy: Your driving is horrible
Afam: Come on, It can't be that bad. I know I may be a little too quick sometimes but...
Gbaddy: Your gear changing sucks and your braking is literally the worst thing. If you drove an invalid he would die!!

Gbaddy: (He bangs the table and screams) DIE!!!

Afam: Mummy!!!

Enter Mama Afam

She turns her disdainful gaze upon me

Mama Afam: You're generally reckless and you have no regard for the car.
Afam: But you're meant to drive the car! It isn't meant to drive you.
Mama Afam: How many cars have you broken?
Afam: How many cars has he totalled?

The he here is Gbaddy, three years ago he totalled the pimp mobil. He wrapped it around a street lamp, and broke the radiator. You're probably thinking, how does one break a radiator? I'll tell you...

I was 19 at the time and I had never been out. Well, I had never been out on a night out in Nigeria, and I had only ever been out twice before that. The first time was in Western Supermare when the lads and I sneaked out to go clubbing during a Geography school trip. That escapade put me on the lad map. It was then that I discovered my true calling in life,  I am and always will be a raging party animal. My second night time outing was less successful. I was extremely self conscious and I really didn't let myself go. I blame this on the lack of alcohol. For while I was drunk enough to stagger from West Kensington to Tower Bridge in London, I really wasn't drunk enough to leer at and then assault every female in attendance.

This night was going to be different. My big brother Gbaddy, a recent graduate of Economics and Politics at the time would take me out on a grand adventure, during which we would sail many seas and tame an infinite number of peahens (I am really not above referencing myself). The previous sentences should serve as a warning to all aspiring party beasts. If you approach a night out with such high expectations, it will always fail to meet them. My night consisted of listening to my brother whine about his love lives and watching him consume. This obviously led to me consuming, for no man should shoulder another man's troubles sober. The result of this vicious cycle of alcohol consumption was that neither of us was completely able to stand without support by the time we were through. Arm in arm, we staggered to the pimp mobil. Gbaddy decided that he would drive home. I giggled in agreement.

This is how I remember the journey.
Gbaddy speeds away. It's an aggressive leap of the mark, the tires squeal. He's driving like an absolute mad man, but in my state I find this incredibly amusing and exciting. I remember thinking that this guy might just end up killing us, but my drunken glee bats these reasonable thoughts away. We're approaching a t-junction and Gbaddy slams his foot on the breaks. As he attempts to handbrake turn on to the main road our back tyre bursts. He brakes, the one thing you should never do in such a situation. We climb the ramp in the middle of the road and wrap the car around a street light.

The next part is a testament to the strength of the pimp mobil. With a broken radiator, the lack of a bumper, a bonnet that sat dangerously close to the wind shield and only two functioning tyres it still got us home safely.

So far we've established two things, the first is that my brother and I are incurably reckless and the second is that I can't drive very well. I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest with that admission. It's like going to alcoholics anonymous and saying the life altering words, "I am an alcoholic." No, I have no answer to the question that just crossed your mind. You shouldn't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to.

After several life threatening experiences in the short time I've been back I, Afam decided to hire myself a chauffeur. Someone who would ferry me from adventure to adventure. The guy I had in mind was a Nigerian, Alfred Pennyworth.

That's Michael Caine as Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce Wayne's care giver.

He was supposed to be an older companion. An infinite supply of wisdom and good sense. Instead I got Roger, a middle aged thug of a man. On Roger's first day as my chauffeur and confidante, he drove the pimp mobil so terrifyingly badly that I who tend to remain ignorant of the feelings of my car, was worried for it's safety. I felt certain that the bagger would blow the engine. As a reckless driver, I usually find being driven by a reckless drivers exciting and exhilarating, but in the hands of Roger I was genuinely terrified. I said to him;

Enter Afam and Roger

Afam: Roger, I'm really not in that much of a hurry, please slow down.
Roger: (Silence)
Afam: ROGER!!! You really must be careful.
Roger: I'm finding it difficult to drive with you yammering away from the back.

I'm quite surprised by this exchange. I pay this man to drive me, but he's acting like he only deigns to.

Afam: Please, slow down! If you don't I'm certain that we shall not live to see our destination.
Roger: That's it!! (He stops the car in the middle of the third mainland bridge, the longest bridge in West Africa. He throws the key on the seat and steps out of the car.)
Roger: Drive yourself then!! Oh you can't can you? (He walks a little way and looks at me filthily)

An extremely good picture of the third mainland bridge at night. It doesn't usually look like this. This picture suggests that I should have been brimming with felicity at my abandonment.

At that point I decide that I'd rather risk my own bad driving than Roger's bad driving, so I get into the drivers seat and speed away. Roger is dumb founded. He wrongly assumed that I couldn't drive. After I complete my travels for the day I return home to find Roger at my gate. At the sight of Roger an evil idea pops into my head.

I give Mr Philip, the steward a ring.

Afam: Mr Philip 
Mr Philip: Afam
Afam: How's the Captain today?
Mr Philip: He's in a terrible mood.
Afam:Why?
Mr Philip: Who knows? I generally don't concern myself with the mood of your dog.
Afam: You really must pay more attention to these things Mr Philip.
Mr Philip: Pah!


You see, Captain Reginald is my rottweiler and Mr Philip is an extremely surly man who finds it immensely difficult to complete even the simplest task without glaring most inhumanely.

Captain Reginald and I.

Afam: Can you let him loose? I have something that will lift his mood.


At this, I get out of the car and open the gate. Roger is making a scene a little to my right. He's pleading for his job, but his pleas fall on deaf ears. I see Captain Reginald bounding toward him at full pace and smile. You must understand that the sight of a pedigree rottweiler in his prime bounding towards one at full pelt is not a thing to be taken lightly. Roger pivots on the spot and flees for his life. I give Captain Reginald a scratch behind his ear when he pulls up beside me and I give myself a pat on the back for a job well done. And that folks is how you get rid of nuisances.

Happy Days,
Afam.


 

You were always meant to lead the pack.
You're the brightest of the bright, not lacking in tact.
Don't worry about this, for sure enough
You’ll lead in something, even sheer luck.
Except, it might not be what you thought,
to you, it mightn’t even be worth a dot.

You'll fret and splutter,
and stammer and stutter,
before you know it,
you'll be down in the gutter.

I know about gutters,
really I do,
I only tell you,
that it mightn't happen to you too.

And when you’re in the gutter,
You’re not in for a treat,
Getting yourself out is quite the feat.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted but mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
                                    (Dr Seuss, Oh the places you’ll go)

I fear that you’ll be quite confused.
These unmarked streets are mostly darked.
You’ll run this way and that,
More often than not, you'll fall quite flat.
In that place,
you may see a kind face.
Don’t try to save face,
bow down very lowly
and if you ask quite nicely
you’ll find that it’s Ariadne.

She’ll help you see,
That even in unmarked streets,
 "You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose."
                                     ( Dr Seuss, Oh the places you'll go)

Somehow you'll escape
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
                                    ( Dr Seuss, Oh the places you'll go)

Happy days,
Afam.

I was keen to exceed your expectations, so I cancelled my day off. I kid! Everyday is a day off. Anyway, I was particularly thirsty for an adventure. I could feel it in my bones. It’s that itchy feeling you get when you know that you could be out there Bunburying. The opportunity came without notice.

I was tired of my hair so I went to cut it. I shaved it all off. Now I look like a bald man with a beard. I’ll rephrase that, I look like an extremely handsome bald man. I look so handsome that one of Mama Afam’s single cougar friends purred at me on my way to aerobics. Yes folks, I do aerobics and humpilates. These are must do activities if you want to please your honeyz and perfect your mating dances. It is written in the lad manual that all lads must be limber for the exertions on the dance floor. As a result I’m sure that when I go to Three Arms, Piccolo Mondo, Rehab, Deuces, and Bacchus every soul in attendance will be in awe of my astounding physicality.(Yes, all in the same night. No, this is not obscene. It’s a night in the life of the gainfully unemployed Nigerian lad. In fact, I’m writing this while in the Three Arms drinking a pot of friendly tea.)

Friendly Tea: Black tea infused with 12 year old Johnny Walker Black Label Whisky.

I strolled out of my room at 7am after I was awoken by my grandmother who’s currently living with us. My Grandmother is a dignified ladette with vascular dementia. She does not remember that the gainfully unemployed prefer to wake up at 2pm sharp. My papa and my sister, Bintin, were having a heated argument about some party...

Enter Papa Afam, and Bintin

Bintin: You’re being unreasonable

Papa Afam: Unreasonable? I let you go to a concert on Sunday. The holy day. The day when you’re supposed to appreciate your family.

Bintin: You made me leave before the concert started! I might as well not have gone!
Papa Afam: It’s not my fault that the performer (some chap called Davido) didn’t come out until past 12. You were there for a good 3 hours.

Bintin: I got there at 6pm and you had me home by 9!

Papa Afam: I can't see what that has to do with me. I let you go, didn't I?

Bintin: I am not Rapunzel! You can’t lock me in a tower.

Papa Afam: If only I had a tower to lock you in, everything would be so much easier.
Bintin: I must go to Red! (Red’s the name of the party)

As I exit my room and stroll across the salon, I feel Papa Afam’s gaze upon me. I was trying to sneak away for Papa Afam is a mischievous and cantankerous fellow. I felt the idea before he spoke it.

Papa Afam: You!

I pretend to ignore him, I’m almost at the Landing.

Papa Afam: He Bellows AFAMEFUNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s my full name.

Afam: Yes dad.

Papa Afam: Take your sister to this party and stay with her. She has to leave when you do. If my daughter is not home by the time I get home I shall have your head on a silver platter. Also gun down any charlatans that try any funny stuff.

At first my soul was filled with dread and despair. I had to obey. Then an idea crossed my mind. It would be a good way to infiltrate the lives of the Nigerian teenager. I called my sister in for a meeting.

Afam: Bintin, this party sounds like quite the adventure. Given my age it is only appropriate that I assume a false identity. My name is Jigsy, short for Jigsybaba. I am a family friend who you haven’t seen in ages. I am about to start my A Levels at Cheltenham College. I am 17 years old.

Bintin: Paedophile!

Afam: How rude. Take it back.

Bintin: Shan’t.

Afam: It will be exciting.

Bintin: I couldn’t care less. You should really get a life. I find think it’s shameful that you a 22 year old are pretending to be 17.

Afam: It is rather sad.

Bintin: Yes. Well I suppose it can’t be helped, you are mad after all.

Afam: You have the right of it, I am incurably addled.

We both sigh.

reblogged from www.bourbonblog.com

Anyway, now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, now Vixen; on Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen let’s get on with the show. The party was meant to start at 4pm, but we got there at 6pm. I believed that this would be late enough, but I was wrong. The party had not started. This was not at all surprising, for Nigerians learn at an early age that time is best ignored.

I used the time to examine the next generation of young adults and I was astounded! How could they wear such rubbish? I was very nearly blinded. The colours they wore were remarkable, purples, blues, light blues, reds, yellows and all sorts. These ones were bold indeed. I wondered how they would dress in five years. My eyes watered at the thought. We must prepare ourselves for the eyesores of the future.

At 6:30 Bintin and I realised that the party had flopped. After an energetic jig on the dance floor where I winked at several young ladies and shook my money maker, we left the venue. It taught me an important lesson, when attempting to infiltrate the land of the Nigerian teenager one must be prepared. The next time I assume the identity Jigsy, I’ll infiltrate with no fewer than ten open minded individuals, so that a thorough social experiment can be conducted.

Happy Days,
Afam

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
                           (Dr Seuss, Oh the places you will go)

It's no news that I have just graduated, and so have many of you. In fact: So have all of you. It doesn't matter if you dropped out prematurely, at primary or secondary school. You may even have made it all the way to university. On my course, there were several hundreds of us when we began, but at that graduation ceremony we were well aware that some of us had gone off plan. There's no time like the present so whatever the hang up,

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
                  (Dr Seuss, Oh the places you will go)

Now, I know what I'm talking about, I really do.
Some would say he's too young to know at twenty and two.
What you don't know is that in this final year,
I lived more than I cared to,
more than I thought I'd dare.
You don't really need to know the details of that unfortunate tale.
All you need to know is that I'm done with that chapter and ready for round two.

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
                                     ( Dr Seuss, Oh the places you'll go)

This is really true,
it all rests on you.
Sometimes it may be difficult indeed to believe,
but let's face it, you're the guy in the driving seat.
Some us have bigger challenges than others,
but never fear, it isn't worth the bother;
for like it or not,
we've all got our stuff.
You're probably just as well,
as the guy you think is swell.

Are you frightened? I know I am,
that's what happens when you go off plan,
It's perfectly normal to be a little perturbed,
You've been in school since the day you were born.
Give yourself some credit, you've made it this far,
way better than those that stare from afar.
Now you're out there, in the open air,
take as much as you want, or as much as you dare.

Happy Days,
Afam.

Summer is here. Yes, I know you all know this, and I know that I am guilty of stating the obvious, but there was no better way to begin the lesson of the day. It's a good day, it 's one of those days where your mood is matched perfectly by the weather. I call this phenomenon, "universal synergy', for you know that on days like today, you're free from both universal and intergalactic buggery. Since I am in a particularly good mood, I decided that now would be the perfect time to impose my summer CHUNES on you.

You're probably thinking, "What the hell is a summer chune?" but never fear Afam's here to provide you with a respectable answer. A summer chune is a tune so infinitely delightful that it defies the rules of spelling and all good sense. It's capabilities of filling one with felicity and gaiety are both uncharted and unchartable. Lastly whenever the tune comes on, you have this irresistible compulsion to yell CHUNE!!! At the top of your lungs. Without further ado, I give to you, my chunes of the summer.

Anna Sun by Walk the Moon.
It makes me happy. It's really easy to relate to. "We've got no money but we've got heart, we're going to rattle this ghost town" and it's the perfect mix of nostalgia and fun.
Call Me Maybe by Carlie Ray Jepson
It doesn't matter whether you like the  song or not, the fact remains that this is the the catchiest tune of the year so far. One listen of this is enough to scar you for life. It stays in your head for days on end and the moment you get round to forgetting it, someone comes round to remind you of it.
Tongue Tied by Group Love
"Take me to your best friend's house, I loved you then and I love you now". This song is the song you love but can never seem to remember. 

Diplomat's son by Vampire Weekend
It's so chilled. People have speculated about the meaning of the song, but I Afam declare that it's a song about the stupid things that tend to happen when you're young. Crashing on a mate's bed while stoned out of your mind is one of them. Because of the lyrical content it is and will always be one of the sound tracks of the summer. I have loads more to say about it, but I'll stick it in a different post. Stay tuned. In all honesty I think the entire album, "Contra" should be featured in any summer play list.

 Reptilia by The Strokes
This shows the power of a good bridge. Enough said.


Every Teardrop is a Waterfall by Coldplay
This is a coldplay on excellent form. It's not for us to wonder how they manage to change their sound with every album. We're only meant to enjoy the sweet sweet results of their talent and creativity. If not for Walk the Moon's Anna Sun, this would be the soundtrack of my summer. Yes, I love it that much.
What Makes you beautiful by One Direction
These fluorescent adolescents have won me over completely. If you ever need a karaoke moment in your car, then this is it.

These songs will form an integral part of the car jacked playlist that I make every summer. So dear readers, I present to you the backbone of Car Jacked 2012.

Happy, Sunny Days,
Afam.

It is with grave regret that I announce the death of our dearest friend Henry Robertson. He shall be missed. Henry succumbed to a deep chill while Bunburying away in the South of France. He requested that his ashes be carried in my trusty Toyota Corrolla, from now until the end of all time as he claims that it was in that car that he had the best moments of his life

I first created Henry Robertson on 2011. Henry was meant to be the amalgamation of every friend of note that I had ever had. I quickly realized that this in itself was a fatal flaw. I try to maintain the anonymity of most of the characters in my life. Just as I have maintained mine. It might surprise you that the name I go by in modern society is not actually Afam. I digress. I thought it peculiar that all the adventures in my life should revolve around a fictional character. I imagined that it would get dull very quickly, just as the famous five and the secret seven got dull. If the famous five had recruited new members then things would have been very interesting indeed. I have already extracted the following individuals from Henry’s subconscious:

Asquith:
Asquith’s original name was Kofi-Fish, but for reasons unknown I felt that Asquith was a better fit. Asquith is one of the best friends I have ever had. He’s the only friend I have that insults me more than an enemy would. We’ve been on the greatest adventures together.

Gbaddy:
Gbaddy is my elder brother. His name may yet change as it’s current form does not provide for the greatest anonymity. If anyone needs anonymity it would be him. His antics are most salacious.

Ogilvey:
Gil is one of my friends from school. Like Asquith he holds the honourary position of best friend. He can be completely assured in its’ permanence.

Sir Tolu:
Sir Tolu’s an aspiring Dentist musician with whom I have entered into a gay relationship without the sex. I believe that that is what they call a bromance.

BFG:
I like him. I know he likes me too. We poke each other at least once a month. The name says it all. No words could ever do him justice, so for now I'm forced to make do with the simplest of descriptions for if I should attempt to describe him fully, the superlatives would never cease. I give to you the Big Friendly Giant.



These are the only five that have been featured on the blog so far. I cannot, or will not tell you of the others, for what kind of blogger gives spoilers of his own content?

Happy Days,
Afam.

I am a graduate. I'd like to write this one in my lilting tone and typically overwrought fashion, but I find that I can't. When you met me, I was nostalgic. That is not to say that my nostalgia is gone, I will probably always be nostalgic, but all that I feared has come to pass. I have no real plans right now. Everything seems smoky and intangible. I can see the future. I can see my future, but it's a vapour. It seems that if I should dare reach for it, it will disappear. I imagine that if I reached out and grasped it, I would ruin it.

They say that when we're approaching our dreams, or when we're about to reach for them, our hearts are constantly aflutter. They say that our hearts are unwilling because, they fear that the failure to grasp that intangible wisp of smoke that the dream currently is, will break them. My heart has every reason to fear, for even among hearts it is weak. If I were to reach for my dream; something that's so close I could almost taste it and fail, I fear that I shall be irrevocably broken. Even more so than I am now. For this purpose my heart continues to deceive me. It will present options of pain to me because it doesn't mind bleeding slowly till it becomes a withered husk of a thing. That's a thousand times more preferable than exhausting itself in one moment. My heart will rather suffer than risk true happiness. I think that this is especially sad, for both options are equally damning.

As things stand now, I don't have a job, I don't have that studio in London and I don't have those working friends with whom I paint the town red every Friday night. My West Yorkshire Highland Terrier is at least a couple of years away. But all of this is okay. It's okay for me to wait for this smashed up heart of mine to get stronger. It's okay for me to stare at the mirage in front of me. I will stare at it for as long as I can. I will stare at it until I figure out how to get there. Then one day, I don't know how, but I know I shall.

Happy Days,
Afam.

Loose commentary on stalking. I don't take myself too seriously, so you shouldn't either. 

Happy Days,
Afam

Forgive me my friends and foes. I have been quite neglectful. I left you for an entire week without once caring to impose my adventures upon you. I solemnly swear to correct my actions immediately by rambling about the first thing that comes to my mind... Words with Friends. Some people expect me to be the perfect sportsman when I play this game but this will never be the case for I am the progeny of champions. From an early age I was taught the principal rule of scrabble, and life in general. If it threatens you kill it. Starmix was ignorant of this policy when she challenged me.

Initially, I was shocked for I thought my reputation preceded me. I believed that my brutality and ruthlessness on the field would discourage all but the most worthy of candidates from approaching me while I created dynamic strategies to punish zyngawf_9867647 - a villainous cretin who never fails to deliver a sound thrashing. But then I entertained the thought that Starmix had been harbouring a secret talent, so I prepared to bring my A game. It was a dynamic match. I used all my seven letters on my second word and secured a healthy lead that only grew with each round. By the time I was done with Starmix, she had little or no confidence left. She fled the arena with her tail in her legs.

The following week Starmix applied for a nemesis clause in our friendship contract. I didn't pay this any mind, everyone needs something to aspire to.

Happy Days,
Afam,

Tonight, I spoke to one of my favourite people in the world, Bibi. I'm quite proud of Bibi as she was christened Hirst by the University of Edinburgh. This is no minor achievement. Bibi and I have quite the odd relationship. You see I first met Bibi when we were 16. My parents had been invited to a party and as parents tend to do they dragged my siblings and I along. On arrival at their house I was greeted by Bibi, one of the daughters of the hosts. I was in awe of her. She had the most regal face I had ever seen. I would post a picture of her here but I'm fairly certain that the moment I do this I will be gifted with an intercontinental smack. Such is the power of her influence.

At 16, the male mind is very simple. These were my thoughts exactly.

Afam:She's pretty.
Fam: She's short.
Afam: She's clever.
Fam:Ask her out?
Afam: What if she says no?
Fam: How could she say no to this?
Afam: We're the height of dweeb at the moment Fam. Braces and glasses... Not the best look.
Fam: Too true. We must wait for a sign from the universe.

The sign from the universe came 2 weeks later. I had gone to the cinema with a friend of mine, I like to call the BFG. The BFG is exactly that, a Big Friendly Giant. On our way out of the cinema we ran into Bibi. She greeted me with the BIGGEST HUG in the history of HUGS. I thought " SUCCESS". The BFG was also impressed. I asked her for her number and she was only too happy to give it to me. I thought that my teenage curse of obscurity had been lifted. I thought that I would no longer be the wall flower I had grown accustomed to being, that the universe had seen fit to throw me into the spotlight. I was so pleased. When I got home I couldn't shut up about it. I went to my mum, who at the time was the cool parent confidante most teenagers seem to want but never get to have.

Enter Mum
Afam: You won't believe who I ran into at the cinema.
Mum: Who?
Afam: Bibi.
Mum: (Her face brightens up) Oh? That's nice.
Afam: She gave me her number!!
Mum: I'm gad to see that you're making friends.
Afam: I plan to be doing a little more than that.
 Mum: She fixes me with a look of genuine amusement
Afam: You should have seen the hug she gave me. It was a shade more than friendly. I dare say I'm half way there already.
Mum: Yes you're certainly more than half way there.
Afam: I just knew that my time had finally come.
Mum: She's your cousin.

I would never live that down. But Bibi and I became fast friends and facebook spouses. We go on all sorts of adventures together. There was one time we walked into an art gallery and had the following conversation.

Afam: Honey, this painting is rather interesting.
Bibi: Why yes darling, i think it's simply amazing. I mean the depth...
Afam: Yes, what about the depth?
Bibi: Oh yes the depth...
Afam: ...
Bibi: I am overcome with emotion. (At this she dropped to the floor)
Afam: I think she needs a seat and a glass of water.

She was propped up and seated, by the sales woman present and myself.

Bibi: I really don't know what came over me. I was rather overcome!!
Afam: It's quite alright. I myself found my nethers stirring at the sight of it.
Bibi: It seems to a unique effect on everyone. I was moved to my very soul.
Afam: We simply must consider purchasing it.
Bibi: We must.
Afam: But where would we put it?
Bibi: The toilet.
Afam: That's a rather odd place for a painting.
Bibi: It's just that if anyone else is overcome as I was overcome, then I imagine that it would be best if there was a toilet nearby...

I was nearly dying with laughter at that point. Then she got up, readjusted her skirt and headed towards the exit. I apologised to the sales woman and followed her out. Once outside we were wracked with violent fits of laughter. When we were done, we straightened our vestments, put on our aviators, linked our arms together and walked off into the urban sunset. We were obviously the height of cool.

How we thought we looked.

Happy Days,
Afam.

Today I'm going to introduce you to a new concept, "the mostest". You need not inform me that there is no such word as mostest, because I know this. But there's no other word in the English language that quite describes what exactly is meant by mostest. And even if there is, it doesn't have quite the same flair. Mostest refers to over achieving, delivering more enthusiasm than a particular task requires. Going above and beyond to out do every one else in the arena of life. This in itself isn't a bad thing but it is important to note that those who do the mostest are seldom likeable. However when someone does the mostest and is exceedingly charming a super star is born. There is one lessons to be learned from this:

• If you must do the mostest, then please learn to be charming, or good spirited about it. Develop the ability to laugh at your over eagerness and try to infect others with it. This is the difference between the Hermione Granger at the start of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone and the Hermione Granger at the end of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone. You'll find that if everybody does the mostest then nobody does the mostest and this my friends is a win win situation.

Happy Hermione.

Weepy Hermione

 A classic example of the mostest is the difference between Murray and Federer. They're both exceptional tennis players, one of them may be slightly better than the other, but the publics reaction to the both of them is very different. One of them is loved by everybody, but the other is hated. People have even come up with the theory that he may be slightly autistic to cover up the fact that he is a twat. Because he is a twat even if he should win a Grand Slam in his home country he will never do as well as he would have if he was likeable. 

Murray with his arse in the air, and we still don't like him.

Mostest is the word that describes my night out, last night. 


Enter Lola
Lola is a perfectly nice plus sized girl. She's incredibly gregarious and out going. She's rather charming. However in her quest for the mostest, she entered the club, downed a few and proceeded to gyrate most vigorously in shoes that she found horrendously uncomfortable.

Afam: Why did you wear the shoes?
Lola: They make my legs look longer.
Afam: But aren't they even mildly uncomfortable
Lola: Just a tad (she winces)
Afam: (She thinks me daft. Everyone knows that it's impolite to banter in euphemisms)
Afam: Do you think they'll be a hindrance during the night?
Lola: Of course not. The shoes improve the look of the outfit, and force one to stand tall. They're indispensible.

An hour after having this conversation. I saw Lola in the venue. She was lying across a couch with her foot on the table. On closer inspection she had ice on her ankle. I knew instantly that she had been visited by calamity. However this was not enough to stop Lola from doing the mostest. Every time a song she liked played she would make her way to the dance floor and dance vigorously. As we speak Lola, is in bed, leg bound and strapped. She's unable to put weight on it. She's had to crawl to the bathroom to brush her teeth.


Enter Pappillon
 Before that night I had not met many of the individuals I went out with. Pappillon was no exception. Pappillon is a spectacular mover. He has an intrinsic feel for that sort of thing, but there's something in me that makes me look at people dancing in clubs and parties with the eyes of my ex House Master Reverend Leyton. As a result of this I could never be impressed by spastic movements that are not of the classical kind. Having said this Pappillon's musicality was impressive. 

Pappillon: Why don't Nigerian men ever cream their feet, and then have the audacity to go without wearing socks?
Afam: Because it's the fashionable thing to do. 
Pappillon: But don't you think it unreasonable? I mean yours looked like you've just walked through the desert.
Afam: I beg your pardon! I find it odd that you chose to focus on the little bit of leg cleavage that I have going on.
Pappilon: But really. Did you moisturize the rest of your body and neglect to moisturize your legs?
Afam: (I was nearly overcome by his rudeness. He was doing the damn mostest. Fine! My feet may have been a little dry but we didn't need to have a full conversation about it, did we?)
Afam: Well I can't see what the state of my feet has to do with anything.
Pappillon: Why didn't you wear any socks then? 
Afam: The shoes I'm currently wearing are penny loafers and as such they do not require the use of socks every time they're worn. I thought this was common knowledge. And since you seem so concerned with the subject, I am wearing socks. They just happen to be invisible. 
Pappillon: I don't believe you.
Afam: (Removes foot from shoe and displays ballet socks)
Pappillon: Oh. I didn't know.
Afam: I'm sure you'll find that there are many things about which you know nothing. Some things are best left unmentioned.


I, like you after reading that long exchange was hoping that that would be the end of all dialogue with Pappillon, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. At the end of the night, Pappillon once again sauntered up to me.


Afam: (In head: Not him again)
Pappillon: Your feet are really dry though.
Afam: (Fixes the most condescending glare in my arsenal on the poor fellow)
Afam: Are they really? I hadn't noticed.
Pappillon: They are remarkably dry.
Afam: Thanks for pointing it out old chap. 
Pappillon: No problem. Do you know the difference between Nigerians and Jamaicans?
Afam: No.
Pappillon: Jamaicans have only one parent.
Afam: Do they really?
Pappillon: Oh yes! The crisis is so great that some schools in Peckham and Brixton and such refer to Parents evening as Parent evening. Hahahahaha.
Afam: (Lord! How does this suffice for banter? Even on a good day I would have been alarmed.)

Are you vaguely annoyed? Probably. Was I? Not really. I just thought that this guy was doing the mostest to have me deposit him in the nearest bin. I'm not in the habit of giving people I don't like what they want so I stayed my hand.


Enter Millie

Millie's a very nice girl, it is unfortunate that I'm not as nice. Her womanly senses failed her the moment she set her sights on one Afam. You all know that I have declared myself a bachelor, from this time until the end of time. Furthermore on that night of the mostests I had no desire to be tempted away from my aspirations to lead a quiet single life with Captain Reginald (Rottweiler) and Snowy (West Yorkshire Highland Terrier). I've considered adding an Asquith. Yes, I need not be told. I am quite talented in the naming of pets. Anyway, Millie a 24 year old went about her crush in the most primary school manner. She told Lola, who told me that she had a crush on me. She did this after blushing like a school girl, smiling and resorting to cliche pick up lines. When Lola told me, my only response was I know. How could I not know, after the afore mentioned displays of interest? 

Afam: Hi, we haven't met before. I'm Afam.
Millie: Turns beetroot red. Or as red as a black girl can get.
Afam: I myself turn red.
Millie: Shy smile.
Afam: I remain red.
Millie: No, I'm Millie.
Afam: (Still red) Cool. (My throat is dry. I haven't been in a situation like this since I was 10 and very much infatuated with Coks. The flowers in my mothers garden can testify to this.)
Millie: Have I met you before? I mean you look familiar...
Afam: (Oh? I'm familiar with this one. I play along.) You do too. But I don't think we've met...
Millie: Hmmm.
Afam: Maybe I've got one of those faces.
Millie: Maybe I've got one of those faces.


All reasonable conversation ends there. You may disagree with me here, but the blushing I'm a primary school saint act was the mostest. How was that supposed to sway me from my Bachelor dreams and aspirations? As a REAL MAN even though I was plied with alcohol, I remained firm and resolute.


Enter Dancing Fool:
Shakespeare is often commended for his use of fools in prose.  So it's not surprising that my tale should have a fool. Yes, I just did that. No, I shall not spell what it was that I did out for you.


We were on the dance floor busting a move  when this character turned up. I had spotted him from afar, busting out some poorly co-ordinated and ill-timed b-boy moves. He had already terrified half the people in the venue with his futuristic spasms when he descended on our posse. He first attempted to battle me, but being of a calm and even tempered disposition, I declined. After this he descended on Pappillon, where he displayed animalistic movements and beautifully turned out feet. It occurred to me that his feet were wasted on a b-boy, in a previous life he must have been a ballerina. After tiring Pappillon out, (this in itself is an achievement as we all know that Pappillon is relentless) he moved on to the mostest of them all, Pepperman. Pepperman, is a handsome likeable, easygoing, overachieving medical student who also happens to be a professional dancer. He out danced the fool several times, but the man didn't know when he was defeated. He kept coming back for more. Pepperman understood that the night could only go downhill from then, and requested that we leave the venue. 


You see the difference here? I could not help but like Pepperman in spite of his talents. This is the power of an over achiever with a decent attitude. 


Happy Days,
Afam

 

My second attempt at live blogging tennis folks. Serena's playing Radwanska today in the Wimbledon women's final. Without much ado I'll get on with the job.

14:16
Serena's one game up. She's started the match well. After securing an easy hold of serve, Serena powered her way through Radwanska's first game where she has had 2 break points. Both of the break points were saved by Radwanska. But Serena is relentless. They're currently in a Deuce battle. After an 88 mile an hour winner Serena secures a third break point. That's all she needs to break Radwanska's serve. Serena is up 2 sets to love.

14:23 (2-0) Serena in the lead
Radwanska's taking a few risks, and they have paid off, because Serena seems to be making more unforced errors than usual. Radwanska pushes Serena to deuce. However that only forces Serena to bring up her level of play. She holds serve with a beautiful drop  shot. Serena's ahead with 3-0.

14:30 (3-0) Serena in the Lead
Neither player has been able to produce their best tennis but the game goees on. Radwanska doesn't seem to be coping with Serena's power well. Radwanska double faults and provides Serena with a Deuce. Shortly afte Serena earns her first break point in the game being played.  She breaks Radwanska's serve yet again. This match looks like a thrashing. Serena leads 4-0

14:35 (4-0) Serena leads
Both players are dressed rather nicely. I think Radwanska looks better than Serena, but that's probably because of the significant difference in musculature. Serena goes on to hold serve, 40-15. She leads 5-0.

14:39 (5-0) Serena leads
Radwanska's really struggling here. She's gifted Serena two break points.  But goes on to save them. At this point I choose to go for a toilet break. Radwanska holds her first game of the match.

14:49 (6-1)
I'm back and Serena has secured the first set but the match is delayed due to wet weather.

15:06
The players are back out. You might be wondering what I was doing in the interim. I'll tell you. I was checking up on radwanska because before this year I did not know who she was. So what are the five things we need to know about Radwanska?

• She's 23 years old.
• She's 5 ft 8 inches
• She's ranked no 3 in the world
• She's made about $10,000,000 in prize money.

That doesn't tell you an awful lot does it?

 15:13
The game is back on. Radwanska's pulling out all the big guns. She's playing a lot better than she was in the first set. It's also her easiest hold of the match. She wins the first game of the second set 40-15, and leads 1-0 in the second set.

15:15 (1-0) Second set. Radwanska leads.
Serena has been said to have the best serve in the history of women's tennis. However it's lucky that her serve isn't all she's got, as she closes out the game with a brilliant backhand down the line. The second set is tied at 1-1.

15:19 (1-1) Second set. Draw
Serena returns Radwanska's serves quicker than Radwanska can get into position to play the return. The result of this is that Serena breaks Radwanska's serve to assume an early lead in the second set. Serena leads (2-1)

15:22 (2-1) Second set. Serena leads.
Radwanska's normally very stingy with points, but this must not apply to Serena. She's making several unforced errors at the moment. Serena holds serve to lead the second set 3-1.

15:25 (3-1) Second Set. Serena Leads.
I think Radwanska's quite pretty. Her game's improving she holds serve with a minimum of fuss.

15:31 (3-2) Second Set. Serena Leads.
Radwanska is definitely playing better, but it's not enough. Serena holds her serve at 40-30. She leads the second set 4-2.

15:35 (4-2) Second set. Serena Leads.
Radwanska holds serve, to bring the score to 4-3

15:36 (4-3) Second set. Serena Leads
Even at Radwanska's best she does not do the things that disrupt Serena's game. She is not well suited to Serena's weapons. It's a fairly boring final to be honest.  But things are looking up for us. Radwanska has played Serena to Deuce. This is definitely one of the longer games of the match. Serena gained the advantage with an Ace but Radwanska brought it back to Deuce with the longest rally of the match so far. Serena plays a shot in the next rally long and Radwanska gains her first break point of the second set. Serena makes another unforced error and gifts the game to Radwanska. They're drawn at (4-4) in the second set.

15:46 (4-4) Second Set
After being broken Serena puts pressure on Radwanska's serve. But it's to no avail. Radwanska holds her serve at 40-30. She's had a great turn around. I think she now believes that she stands a chance in the match. Radwanska steals the lead in the second set. (5-4)


15:51 (5-4) Second Set Radwanska leads.
Anna Wintour's in the audience. Maybe there'll be a feature on the winner... Who knows? Serena plays a great defensive game to hold her serve. Things are getting exciting. The game is tied at 5-5 in the second set. Radwanska to serve.

15:55 (5-5) Second Set
Radwanska holds easily. It's safe to say that Serena's level of play has declined. Radwanska's back in the lead (6-5).

15:58
Radwanska breaks Serena. Both players are tied at one set a piece. In the second set Serena made 18 unforced errors while Radwanska only made 4.



16:02
And we've made it to the third set. I'm a little disappointed by this because I haven't got a lot of free time today. I was hoping that the game would be over in two. Serena seems to have recovered from whatever demons lost her the second set. She's played Radwanska to deuce where her unforced errors have made a reappearance. Radwanska holds to lead the final set 1-0.

16:07 (1-0) Radwanska leads
Serana is being forced to produce her best tennis. I don't think she can quite believe that she lost the second set.  Anyway she holds serve. The match is drawn at 1-1 in the third set.

16:12 (1-1)
Some epic rallies in this game. Serena's unleashing a storm on Radwanska, and earns herself 2 break points. Radwanska saves the break points and holds serve
16:20 2-1
Serena serves four straight aces and holds serve. Quite easily. That's what we call a text book performance.

16:23 2-2
Serena breaks Radwanska after playing a great game. And just like that she steals the lead.
16:27 3-2 Serena leads
Serena's dependable serve does the trick. 4-2

16:28
Radwanska has given Serena 3 chances to serve for the match. Yes folks Serena is three break oints up. Radwanska saves all three and takes it to deuce.Serena plays a brilliant drop shot and wins the game. She will now serve for the match.

16:35
Serena is the 2012 Wimbledon Champion.


16:46
  Tennis is a wicked sport. There's no other sport that requires the vanquished to put on a brave face and speak to the crowd and the world. Radwanska is literally weeping. The horror!!! She regains composure towards the end of her interview.

16:47
 Serena's so incredibly charismatic. For all her flaws that's the remarkable thing about her. Anyway folks, this has been fun.


Happy days,
Afam.

Telegraph.co.uk

13:22
Sorry It's a little bit late. I've just decided that I should live blog the Wimbledon semi final match between Roger and Novak. It's currently (2-3) Djokovic is serving.

13:25
The game's fairly boring at the moment. Neither player seems to have found his rhythm. Djokovic just attempted the splits. It's no surprise that he was broken the point after. Feder leads by four games to two in the first set.


13:27
Djokovic seems to be making more unforced errors than usual. It's obvious that he'll attempt to break back. But Federer pounds an ace down the line to hold his serve 40-15. Federer leads 5 games to 2.
Apparently Federer is undoubtedly the best indoor tennis player in the world. One did not know this before.

13:30
Djokovic has refused to go down without a fight. He's making statement returns to tell the Federer and the rest of the world that the break of serve was a fluke. He holds his serve 40-0. Federer serves for the first set after only 23 minutes.

13:33
Federer takes the first set rather comfortably 6-3. Federer is serving like his life depended on it. He's put in some 128mph and 128mph serves. Anyone who knows anything about the sport will tell you that for Federer this is quick.



13:35
Some charlatan shouts, "I LOVE YOU ROGER", I echo his sentiments. Djokovic serves first in the second set. He holds easily. 40-15.

13:39
In the second game of the second set. Djokovic has secured 3 break points, and Federer is serving like a limousine head. Djokovic's backhand down the line secures him a break of Federer's serve. My heart is bleeding for Federer.



13:45
Djokovic held his serve. He sems to have been infused with new life. It's now Federer's serve. He has no answer to Djokovic's backhands down the line. Djokovic has played Federer to Deuces. Federer answers by playing two brilliant serves. It's a difficult hold for Federer.

13:49
Djokovic goes on to hold 40-0. He currently leads 4 games to 1 in the second set. Neither player has been able to produce their best tennis so far. We hope for the best anyway.

13:52
Federer holds his serve. BBC dictates that we switch from BBC1 to BBC2. #Cheapskates #Bastards.

13:56
Djokovic races to a 40-15 hold of serve. He leads by 5 games to 2 in the second set. I think that this semi final match will be worth more than the final. I really hope that Murray doesn't make it to the final. He's just not very likeable. It's not that I wish him ill, I'd just prefer it if he won everything but Wimbledon. For my peace of mind.

14:00
Federer aces his way to hold 40-0.
14:02
Djokovic is currently serving. After the linesman psyched Federer out by making a false call. Djokovic returns to epic form and holds his serve. He wins the second set 6-3. The second set was 30 minutes long.

14:06
On to the third set. Federer serves first. He holds his serve with a beautiful cross court volley. It was a volley of orgastic proportions.


14:10
Djokovic to serve. This game is quite different. The ralleys are longer. Federer plays his way up to 30-40, but puts it wide and misses his chance to break. Djokovic is not getting a lot of his first serves in. He's also making more unforced errors than usual. Djokovic holds his serve. the scores tied at 1-1.

14: 17
I was checking out the competition. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/tennis/wimbledon/9380843/Novak-Djokovic-v-Roger-Federer-live.html. Don't be funny, of course I'm getting obliterated.
Federer holds. He leads 2-1. Only about an hour and seven minutes have been played so far.

14:19
Boris Becker is of the opinion that this set, the third set is of great importance to federer. He believes that if Federer loses this set he won't be able to come back. Federer is a demi-god his potential cannot be understood by mere mortals. Djokovic holds his serve. The score is tied 2-2.



14:22
Both players are becoming more involved in the match. Federer's attempting to over whelm his opponent with some high speed tennis. Djokovic puts to much on his back hand down the line and puts it behind the base line. Federer holds his serve 40-15.


14:26
Oh! What's this? Djokovic plays his second double fault to give Federer his first break point in the sixth game of the the third set. After playing an epic 23 point ralley. Federer plays it long. On a side note. I quite like Djokovic's polo. Uniqlo is not a common sponsor here at wimbledon. Because of Djokovic one Afam will be online window shopping at Uniqlo fairly soon. Djokovic is such a nice guy. I'd definitely want him to come to my next barbecue.

14:31
We're still on the 6th game folks. Both players have been trading Advantages. Federer gains his second break point in a 26 shot ralley. He's rewarded with sustained applause from the crowd.Djokovic gets the better f him in the next point and we're back to deuce. Federer holds his herve following a vigorous exchange at the net where Federer overplays his volley. The game is tied at 3-3.

14:36
It isn't always easy to serve well after missing a few chances in the previous game, but Federer lives up to his reputation and holds 40-15. Federer leads by 4 games to 3. Both players have played themselves into brilliant form.

14:39
 Apparently Wimbledon officials have given up trying to stop the players from stealing the official Wimbledon towels. I'll look for some on ebay after the match. Djokovic is serving. I really do like his dress. Djokovic has made 15 unforced errors so far while Federer has only made 8. Djokic holds easily. The game is once again tied. 4-4.

14:44
Federer's in a bit of a tizzy. But he pulls through with a powerful serve to hold A-40. Federer's up 5 games to 4. 


14:46
Djokovic seems to be struggling to maintain his balance on centre court. He's been slipping and sliding all over the place. federer takes an early lead in the game (0-30). Djokovic makes a massive error to give Federer two break points (15-40). Novak manages to save one, but Federer smashes a volley in to win the third set 6-4.

14:52
Wikipedia informs one that Federer is a citizen of both Switzerland and South Africa and that he speaks four languages fluently: English, French, German, and Swiss German. federer isn't dressed badly either. He's more of a dandy than Novak.

14:57
Welcome to the fourth set. Where Feerer has already held his serve to lead 1-0. Djokovic is currently serving but it must be said that he isn't himself. He's making far too many unforced errors. He has gifted federer three break points. A forehand on steroids saves one but Novak plays wide in the next rally and is broken by Federer. Federer leads the fourth set 2-0.

It turns out that that was the most important game of the match. Federer went on to win the match in four sets.


I apologise for not being able to finish the live blog. It turns out that blogging cannot compete with the demands of the real world.

Happy Days,
Afam.

Summer's here again and as you prepare to embark on trips, holidays and work experience you're well aware that society has one rule about summer time; that during the course of your summer you find an individual who you shall, tease, flirt with, date or shag for the duration of the summer alone. This relationship may be referred to as a summer fling, and the individual you choose to embark on such a venture with may be called your summer "p" or you may use the following lengthy description; guy or girl with whom I had a summer fling with. It is obvious that summer "p" is more appropriate.

A while ago I received an email from a friend complaining bitterly about his failed summer investment. He had chosen the wrong company to invest in over the holidays as a result when we lads were trading our stories of success, he was sharing his tales of woe and misfortune. It was a great misfortune indeed.

Please find below a copy of the email I received at the end of the summer last year.

Fam,

I was on the phone at 2am proclaiming my undying affection for Sam- my imaginary girlfriend. To be honest she wasn't that imaginary and the last time I checked being teased mercilessly for three months is a prerequisite for getting promoted to boyfriend status. Sam said that she didn't have any answer to that. She also apologized several times. I thanked her for smashing my heart into a thousand little pieces. I know this sounds really dramatic but truth be told I was only heartbroken for an hour. This is a massive improvement from my high school days, when I would descend into a trance like state for several months. In the context of this email the trance would be represented as several blank lines.



Four blank lines (You see, I am greatly improved.)
 
Unlike a certain *cough* Stephenie Meyer. Of course just by saying her name I've lost man points. Sam for all intents and purposes is a troll. She makes a blue whale seem tiny, only captain Ahab would find her attractive at this point. At least that's how my dreams portray her post 2am conversation.

Ogilvey

 I fired a quick reply. When a friend is in need, a reply 2 days later will not suffice. One must drop every darn thing and galvanize oneself to activity. 

Gil

I am very sorry to hear about your misfortunes and I sympathize with you about the state of your heart. I can only hope that the pieces are coming together as we speak. How did she manage to tease you for three months? Furthermore, I must question your taste, for you permitted yourself to be ensnared by such a beast. I fear that you haven't told me anything at all. You have my deepest sympathies in your hour of need. Feel free to call on me whenever and however.

Afam.


His reply didn't take long.

Fam,
 I was introduced to this beauty by a great friend of mine. You might have met her at my party last year, Liza. She told me that she knew the perfect girl for me and that she was on the verge of leaving her boyfriend. So I thought that it would be prudent of me to swoop in and catch her on the rebound. Liza agreed. I began wooing her ardently. We would go to movies and hold hands. We would text all day and then talk all night. I believed that I was falling in love. She was all I could think about. But there was a situation. While she and her bf continued to fight bitterly they hadn't called things off. I was called away to Malta by my internship. During my absence she and the boyfriend reforged the links of their relationship with titanium. Even worse was the fact that I wasn't informed of the reforging during my time away. I returned to a hefty phone bill (I may need your help paying that off old chap) and no girl. Is it not tragic?

Ogilvey.

Gil,
I'll try not to be too critical of you because you appear to be depressed and broken. There's no fun to be had kicking a dog while it's down. But be rest assured that when you do get back up I'll be the first to land a firm kick (this kick may be physical). You broke two cardinal rules here. The first was that you allowed yourself to be advised by Liza. She knows nothing! Straight girls don't know how to get girls. If they did they would be lesbians. We learned this together from L'auberge espagnole. Where Isabelle (a lesbian) played by Cecil De France, instructs Xavier played by Romain Duris on the art of seduction.

Left to right, Isabelle, and Xavier

The second crime is that you involved my bank account in your troubles. I know that it's bros before hos (whores) but money comes before them both. I find it immensely annoying that you gambled my money as well.
Having said all that, yes it is quite tragic. We can't travel through time. If we could I would make it that it was her who ended up hurt. We can only build on this. If you have promised to be the best god-damn friend she's ever had then you're going to have to break that promise. I'm not going to listen to you whine about being so close but yet so far. And I'm certainly not going to pick you up after every scheme you plant to break them up fails. You'll be severing all ties with the wench effective immediately and should she complain you'll be as mean as humanly possible. I know that you'll find this difficult, but remember that she wasted your time and my money(My money is obviously more important than yours).

Love you lots,
Afam.


Fam,
My deepest apologies. You know me too well, because I had promised to be her best friend, because we do banter well together and we have a lot in common. No worries though, I'll heed your advice. I'm sorry about the money bit.

Love you like always,
Gil.

That folks is how I roll. As you embark on your summer flings, I advise that you tread carefully. Of course I shall be here if the shit hits the fan.

Happy Days,
Afam.