2013 in Words

I'm a writer now. I wasn't when the year started, but I am now. I suppose it is that that makes all the difference. You must bear with me. I'm incredibly selfish. I like the way certain words go together, like more and better, and that and that, and I like words that aren't really words at all, like bogalondos, and apprexcate. So I use them tirelessly, endlessly. I consider it part of my poetic license even though I am no poet. I know a poet that insists that poetic licenses are restricted to poetry and that they cannot be extended to prose because prose isn't poetry. When he said that I thought, "what a fool." The words are not bound by such fickle rules. There's a word for how you feel right now. There's a phrase that will bring you to tears, and there's another that'll make an honest man of you no matter how difficult it might be to be honest at this point in time. Those words and phrases may not be grammatically correct but that doesn't have any effect on their potency.

2013 was quite possibly the best year I've ever had. I don't mean that it was the happiest year I've ever had, because that would be a lie. I was happiest when i was 5 or when I was 6 or when I was 4, or when I was 3,4,5, and 6. I can't say exactly. The years have all blended into a sea of activity and sepia tinged smiles. It was the best because even when I was incredibly miserable, there was no point where I felt that I couldn't go on and I suppose that it is that that makes all the difference.

There are many ways to live and exist. Several of these ways aren't necessarily ways to live, they're ways to pass the time, or ways to ready yourself for the after. I found the way that worked for me. I participated. I showed up. For me it is easier to interact with my dreams of the future and the characters from real life that have gained complete independent identities in my head than it is for me exist in the present. Given the chance I would lose myself in films and books, and only remember I was alive when nature called. This year, I was present, I was there.

I would list all of the things that made 2013 great but if I did, there'd be nothing for you, the reader to do. I'm a great believer in stalking. My story is here on the blog. If you want it, go and get it. It is there as plain as day. It isn't hidden by anything that can be classed as subterfuge

I'm back in Lagos, and things are more difficult. I'm terrified of it. The walls are wrapped so tightly around me that I can scarcely breathe. Every move I make chafes. Every person that I meet that knows another person that I know forms the link on a new chain that binds me. The more I grow, the more sensitive I am of causing harm or offence. But no matter. It's only a new challenge set before me. You must remember that I'm Afam. I was not born Afam, I became Afam. If there's a way, I will find it. And if there isn't a way then my heart will join the others on the boulevard of broken dreams. I'm not as scared of this as you might imagine. There is good in all things. You only have to seek it to find it.

I will work tirelessly, endlessly, to make 2014 better to me than 2013 was. I cannot say if I will succeed but I'll give it my best shot. I'll drink the most, and laugh the loudest. I'll say yes to everything. I'll love harder, I'll hate harder and I'll be offended more. If there's anything that 2013 taught me, it is that you should always be offended. If she forgot to invite you to her birthday party, don't go. If she hasn't messaged you even though you've sent five messages or so, forget her. She wasn't busy all five times. She just doesn't think you worthy of a reply. And if you should happen to love someone this year, let yourself love them. If it's foolish and ill placed, then forgive yourself.

There is a part of me that wants to save this as a draft and forget about it, but tonight, I'll live a little.

Happy New Year,
Afam