A while ago I received an email from a friend complaining bitterly about his failed summer investment. He had chosen the wrong company to invest in over the holidays as a result when we lads were trading our stories of success, he was sharing his tales of woe and misfortune. It was a great misfortune indeed.
Please find below a copy of the email I received at the end of the summer last year.
Fam,
I was on the phone at 2am proclaiming my undying affection for Sam- my imaginary girlfriend. To be honest she wasn't that imaginary and the last time I checked being teased mercilessly for three months is a prerequisite for getting promoted to boyfriend status. Sam said that she didn't have any answer to that. She also apologized several times. I thanked her for smashing my heart into a thousand little pieces. I know this sounds really dramatic but truth be told I was only heartbroken for an hour. This is a massive improvement from my high school days, when I would descend into a trance like state for several months. In the context of this email the trance would be represented as several blank lines.
Four blank lines (You see, I am greatly improved.)
Unlike a certain *cough* Stephenie Meyer. Of course just by saying her name I've lost man points. Sam for all intents and purposes is a troll. She makes a blue whale seem tiny, only captain Ahab would find her attractive at this point. At least that's how my dreams portray her post 2am conversation.
Ogilvey
I fired a quick reply. When a friend is in need, a reply 2 days later will not suffice. One must drop every darn thing and galvanize oneself to activity.
Gil
I am very sorry to hear about your misfortunes and I sympathize with you about the state of your heart. I can only hope that the pieces are coming together as we speak. How did she manage to tease you for three months? Furthermore, I must question your taste, for you permitted yourself to be ensnared by such a beast. I fear that you haven't told me anything at all. You have my deepest sympathies in your hour of need. Feel free to call on me whenever and however.
Afam.
His reply didn't take long.
Fam,
I was introduced to this beauty by a great friend of mine. You might have met her at my party last year, Liza. She told me that she knew the perfect girl for me and that she was on the verge of leaving her boyfriend. So I thought that it would be prudent of me to swoop in and catch her on the rebound. Liza agreed. I began wooing her ardently. We would go to movies and hold hands. We would text all day and then talk all night. I believed that I was falling in love. She was all I could think about. But there was a situation. While she and her bf continued to fight bitterly they hadn't called things off. I was called away to Malta by my internship. During my absence she and the boyfriend reforged the links of their relationship with titanium. Even worse was the fact that I wasn't informed of the reforging during my time away. I returned to a hefty phone bill (I may need your help paying that off old chap) and no girl. Is it not tragic?
Ogilvey.
Gil,
I'll try not to be too critical of you because you appear to be depressed and broken. There's no fun to be had kicking a dog while it's down. But be rest assured that when you do get back up I'll be the first to land a firm kick (this kick may be physical). You broke two cardinal rules here. The first was that you allowed yourself to be advised by Liza. She knows nothing! Straight girls don't know how to get girls. If they did they would be lesbians. We learned this together from L'auberge espagnole. Where Isabelle (a lesbian) played by Cecil De France, instructs Xavier played by Romain Duris on the art of seduction.
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| Left to right, Isabelle, and Xavier |
The second crime is that you involved my bank account in your troubles. I know that it's bros before hos (whores) but money comes before them both. I find it immensely annoying that you gambled my money as well.
Having said all that, yes it is quite tragic. We can't travel through time. If we could I would make it that it was her who ended up hurt. We can only build on this. If you have promised to be the best god-damn friend she's ever had then you're going to have to break that promise. I'm not going to listen to you whine about being so close but yet so far. And I'm certainly not going to pick you up after every scheme you plant to break them up fails. You'll be severing all ties with the wench effective immediately and should she complain you'll be as mean as humanly possible. I know that you'll find this difficult, but remember that she wasted your time and my money(My money is obviously more important than yours).
Love you lots,
Afam.
Fam,
My deepest apologies. You know me too well, because I had promised to be her best friend, because we do banter well together and we have a lot in common. No worries though, I'll heed your advice. I'm sorry about the money bit.
Love you like always,
Gil.
That folks is how I roll. As you embark on your summer flings, I advise that you tread carefully. Of course I shall be here if the shit hits the fan.
Happy Days,
Afam.
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