I took a walk. Just now, I left my mug of Irish Cream, Baileys, and walked outside to look at the sky. I have to tell you, the Lagos sky isn’t what it used to be. When I was young, younger… I am still young. I have to remind myself of this daily because I fear that if I start believing I am old, I will behave like an old person. That is to say likely to drop dead at my next breath. 

There used to be stars, heavenly bodies as far as the eye could see. Now, there’s usually nothing, just black. If you’re lucky there’ll be a cloud. Maybe two clouds… These days it’s black, stale, hot, humid. Just me, and my sweat, looking up at a bleak sky. But not tonight. Tonight, there’s a beautiful crescent moon. How it gleams. And there’s a star above it too. I think it might be Venus. How pretty! How lovely! How nice! It’s so nice that I’m very nearly able to forget the deplorable situation in my country, our country, Nigeria. 

There are many Nigerias. There’s the one you live in, and there’s the one others, your betters, occupy. Of course, if this logic holds, ceteris paribus – remember I have an Economics degree, there must also be a worser Nigeria, populated by the unfortunate. The people who reply to the question how are you with, “I’m quite truly terrible.” A lady did that to me yesterday. I fled from her, vanished from her sight with the quickness of the Greek god Helios, or Hermes, or Apollo? Which one of them is the one that drags the sun across the sky? 

Anyway, let me tell you of my Nigeria. 

There’s more than 500 naira in my bank account. Thank God. I have had less money than this. If I find a cash merchant, one of those POS somebodies, I’ll be able to get 300 naira, and this will buy me a bottle of Fanta, a divine drink which every good boy deserves. 

Today, a friend of mine, Beamer, told me of an odd thing that happened to her when she was driving home… This Beamer is an excellent friend. Truly spectacular! So incredible that I don’t mind that she friend-zoned me when we were 18, so excelle-markable that we remain friends 15 years later. She said… 

Enter Beamer!

Beamer: Afam, my facial was good, but also bad. 

Afam: How come? Aren’t you looking finer than you were before it.

Beamer: Yes… but…

Afam: But what? You really must stop sweating the small stuff Beam-Beamer. If you die before your wedding, I’ll be very unhappy. 

Beamer: What if I put you in my will?

Afam: I’ll mourn you with joy! 

Sorry I must take another walk… Drinking and writing must be broken up by walking lest one lose the will to finish. 

I have returned… but my laptop battery is low, and if I let it die, it may never come on again. If you recall I have under N 1000 in my bank account, and that money is reserved for Fanta. It is not for fixing laptop. 

I must now go and get the charger. 

Where is the charger? 

I have returned. Where was I? Yes. Beamer. 

Beamer: How lucky I am to have a friend so good he’ll laugh when I die.

Afam: Only if you put me in your will. 

Beamer: The extractions were excruciating. I screamed with my mouth closed.

Afam: So you squealed in public. How shameful!

Beamer: Also, the guy that owns the place was hitting on me. 

Afam: The curse of the beautiful, to shock everyone, even the unattractive, to attraction. 

Beamer: PIKACHU!

Afam: Pokemon? 

Beamer: No! I just saw a lady. 

Afam: You’re really too excitable. How is seeing a lady worthy of taking the great pokemon Pikachu’s name in vain. 

Deamer: She’s wearing a Denim skirt but no shirt. Her nipples are saluting the sky!

Afam: So she’s only half mad! That is bizarre.

Exit stage left Beamer!

In Lagos, we’re used to fully mad people. Naked people rambling around for who knows what reason. I think it’s a sign of the times. 

In my Nigeria, I am being gaslit by the economic principle, and truly terrible thing, inflation. On Saturday night I bought a beer for N2 500. Abomination! I came back for a second 30 minutes later and they sold it to me for N3 000. 

At my local supermarket, my deodorant of choice, Rexona invisible for women is now N 3 500. It’s expensive yes! Too expensive! But even worse is my brain, which tells me that I cannot pay that much for deodorant, so I switched to roll on. A big mistake. The first time I rolled on that anti perspirant, was the first time since puberty that I smelled like my animalistic self, which is to say I fled the dancefloor because I was skunking up the place. The next time I went back to the supermarket I shut my eyes and I bought the damned thing.

I’d tell you more of how I’m living, and what’s happening, but I’m tired, and it’s Tiger’s birthday. 

I’ll go outside now, for a walk. I’ll look at the sky. The moon, a crescent moon! She’s so pretty. And the star just above her, Venus, is so sparkly. Both of them, a reminder, that only the best things are free. 

Happy Days, 

Afam.