By now, you must all know that I'm a Lagos boy through and through. I'm so Lagos that the rest of the country might as well be on a different continent. They aren't a part of my reality. However come Tuesday this will change. I'll be heading to Edo State, some where East of Lagos, to begin my year of National Service. It is a little sad, but I'm sure everything will go swimmingly. I'm Afam, I'm crazy, I'm reasonably good looking and I laugh a lot. I'm the sort of person that makes friends easily when I put my mind to it.

Look at it run! You would have thought that they chased it from the underwater palace.

It must have forgotten something in the water, because it put its hand on its head as if to say, "damn! I forgot my human seducing devices."

So it isn't surprising that it ran back to get them. This Mammy water wasn't at all like the ones I'd heard about. Its bust was practically non-existent and it was too muscular to be classically beautiful.

After retrieving whatever it was that needed retrieving it settled on a rotting log and peered out into the distance. I immediately felt a tingling somewhere that I dare not say. I was drawn to it. At this point I knew it wasn't quite female... apart from if they get the Insanity video in the underwater world too.

I came closer, while it observed me casually. It was a disappointing specimen. I was starting to think that it had been kicked out for being ugly. How is this thing supposed to seduce a dude?

Undeterred by its physical failings, it began a ritual dance.

I asked it if it was Asap Rocky. It threw its hands in the air and leapt for joy, exclaiming, "You know my comrade." I said, " not personally, but the resemblance is uncanny." It asked where Asap was, and I told it that it'd turned up on the wrong continent.

"Holy shit" it said with a grimace.

Peace out homie!!

And so it was that the mammy fled back into the ocean in search of Asap Rocky.

As at now, the blog's received 13,895 page views in October. This is the most it's ever had. I'm confident that it'll get to 14,000 before we get to November. I'm also confident that this post will help it get there. This one is going to be a little bit weird, and at least 50 parts crazier than it's ever been, but things are going well, and it's halloween so it's okay. Also, I'll be in Edo State for the rest of the year, so I'll get some sort of a new beginning. I think I'll need one after this. And after the year's up, and I'm back in Lagos, you'll see me walking about and you'll say, "Are you the Afam guy that dressed up as a Mammy Water for halloween?" and I'll say, "Yes, but I've found Jesus since. The past is dead."

Anyway, the most popular piece this month was, "Are you sexy when work out?" I liked that one. It cracked me up. I like laughing at myself. I think it's healthy. This month has been a little bit weird as there hasn't been very much about me in it. It's mostly been about fashion week and the things that happened there. I won't blog about Lagos fashion week like that anymore. It's old news now. I think there's one piece left and that'll be it. I wish I could have done more reviews, but Ola Ebiti's hard drive crashed, and he was to busy with Uni to contribute.

While I get settled in Edo State, which is nothing like Lagos from what I gather, it's likely that I won't be able to blog as much, so I'll be bringing on a guest blogger to fill the void. The blogger that'll be entertaining you in my absence is Ola (another Ola), of olaisblogging.wordpress.com he's really quite good. Our voices are similar in that they're both very random. I trust that he'll do well and that you'll support him as well as you have me. I'll be keeping up with all my other writing commitments from my iphone. I'm not sure how I'll manage this, but everything will work out somehow. That's the thing about life, it ends. That means that everything has an ending, and that's refreshing sometimes. This feels like a little bit of a goodbye, and I suppose it is in a way. I'll clean out my desk over the next couple of days, so that I'm not owing anyone I promised that I'd do something. That way, if I suddenly disappear for a few weeks, I won't have to apologise to anyone for not typing up their interview, or for not putting up their picture.

With any luck, I'll finish that book while I'm away. I hope I do. I hope this becomes a book. How cool would that be if it was? I've written 253 blogs in a year and 5 months! That's a blog every two days or so. Thanks for everything. You gave me something that was mine and mine alone. No one handed this to me on a platter. I fought for it with every word, every phrase and every share. And you guys read it. How incredible is that?

In November, you'll get to read,my interview with Teni Sagoe of Clan fame, How sexy are you when you're taking selfies, what goes on at Bogobiri (The Lagosian hipster bar) and some others that I haven't thought of yet. This is where my weekend's going. There's also one that I wrote for Bellanaija about awkwardness that they asked me to change because it was too sexual. You guys will get the unrevised version, and they will get the revised but equally vulgar version. The way I see it, shit is just as vulgar as sex is.

Thanks for everything! I'll never forget it. Stay tuned for the adventures of the Lagos Mammy.

Happy Days,
Afam

It's 2:26 in the morning. Immediately after I write this I'll feed the dog. You've met my dog haven't you? His name is Captain Reginald, and he's amazing. He's taught me a lot about love and responsibility. Love is an unfortunate thing. Love is wiping the sleep from your dog's eyes. Love is picking up your dog's shit. Love is going to the kitchen of the restaurant you're eating at and asking what they do with their left overs. Love is begging the electrician and paying him off when your dog bites him.

So, I searched lagos fashion week on twitter to see who else was covering it half as well as I, so that I could defeat them with my tenacity and prolificness. I'm a prolific writer. Give me a topic and I'll drop it like it's hot. The top result in my search was an article by Genevieve. On twitter it said "see pictures of all the glitz and glam and your favourite celebs at Lagos Fashion week" and then they dropped the link: http://www.genevieveng.com/four-days-of-fabulous-in-the-moet-chandonbelvedere-vip-lounge-at-lfd/

I clicked on the link, and it wasn't great. It was really quite awful. It's the sort of thing that you can look at and cry. It didn't just miss the good mark, it missed the anything and everything mark. It was a who the hell edited this moment, or a who the hell put this up moment, or a why the hell is this still up moment. Someone, anyone should have taken it down.

I'm shuddering here.

I'll show you the offensive things, and I'll start with the worst of them.

I cannot believe that anyone with even a modicum of sense would put this picture up. I want to cry. If I saw a picture of Mama Afam up like this, I would shoot someone. This isn't a gag or a gimmick. That's someone that you have embarrassed, for no reason at all. I'm actually upset. Genevieve why? Surely the quest for traffic can't be going that poorly? Is this some sort of gossip girl take down? And as if that wasn't bad enough, the picture was labelled as "Bola-BalogunBridget Awosika and Frien';l" I copied and pasted that on here. Unless the waiter is her friend and the bag is a Bridget Awosika one, you've fucked up big time.

"Kelechi-Amadi-ObiNkiru Anumudu and Zara Okpara" That's how Genevieve labelled the picture, but those people are no where in sight. The only one in the picture's Kelechi. The girl behind him is Ify. She worked at fashion week.

"Omoyemi Akerele, Zara Okpara and a Friend" This one's a missed opportunity. Omoyemi Okerele is on the far left, then there's Joan Burnstein, Zara Okpara and Nkiru Anumudu. I'll start with Nkiru Anumudu. How on Earth could you fail to mention her? She's a massive deal. Everyone knows who she is. I'm clutching my head at intervals because the work's so shoddy that I cannot handle it. I should dance around the pyre that you've built for yourselves but I can't. And Joan Burnstein is one of the founders of Browns. She was quite literally the most important person at Fashion Week and she didn't get a mention.

Guys, I hate to be the one to say this but, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THIS. Well, I've got time for it because I'm crazy and stuff. But you made this madman cry. Imagine what it'll do to a sane one. For your sake, and mine, take it down or make it better. Don't spoil such good photographs with shitty content.

Happy Days,
Afam

I subscribe to GQ and that means I get one email everyday with a kick ass article in it. It's a very good system, because it saves me from yelling at my laptop when it refuses to go to gq.com and only deems it fit that I read gq.co.uk. And while they're both incredible, gq.com is more incredible than in its British counterpart. Tonight, I got an email from them, about fighting the chill with fall's best vests and what not. Before I could feel slightly depressed at the fact that I may not see another fall or winter for some time

While I really, really like talking about other things, my most favourite thing to talk about is me. I can talk about me until I die. I'm so self absorbed it's ridiculous. In my head, I'm constantly having conversations with myself. "Afam, what do you think about this?" or "How much do we hate this guy right now?" or "If we were to ram the toyota into the side of the bridge, how many pieces of us do you think there'd be" and other such morbid things. So, I'll take a break from talking about other things, and other people and talk about myself. And you're going to read it because you really really really care about me, and after you've read it, you're going to share it, and rave about it to everyone you know, and this time tomorrow, I'll be immensely popular, and the writing jobs will roll in, and there'll be money in the bank, and I'll finally get to take my editors to lunch (Mena, Lia, Mama Afam, A-zone, and Gbaddy I'm talking about you). 

The before's on the left, the after's on the right. Things are tighter.

That's the full sized image and stuff. :-). I'm pleased. I still don't like that my right pec is bigger than my left pec from playing squash with my right hand, but you can't have everything.

The shirt's from Jack Wills, I quite like it. It's floral and it's blue. The black t's from Levi, the jeans are from diesel, and the boat shoes are Timberland ones. It's a fairly chilled look.This was how I dressed when I went to uni. There's something vaguely nostalgic about it. My dog, Captain Reginald was the photographer, during this photo shoot. He does alright.

When it got hot, I tied the shirt around my waist like a tourist. I quite like tying things around my waist. It makes me feel like I haven't got a care in the world. Captain Reginald got tired of staying behind the camera. He's so vain. If there's a photo being taken, he can't stand if he isn't in it. He's serving ass in this shot.

Captain Reginald wasn't content with staying in the background here. I can't deal with that dog. I really can't. If I ever filled out an online dating profile, the title would be must love dog. I spend far too much time agonising over him. I worry about what he's eating, whether he's putting on weight or not, if he's obese, if he's getting enough exercise, and when he's going to learn that doing some things will hurt him. There was this one time, he jumped out of my car while it was moving. I very nearly died. Anyway, here, I'm wearing a t-shirt I've had for 6 years, that says Fabulous disaster. It's a little odd that Papa Afam got me a t-shirt that has fabulous and sparkles on it. If he had known that the t-shirt was at least 2 parts gay, I'm sure he'd have passed. But who cares? I love it still. #nonewclothes

So someone wore a kilt to Lagos Fashion Week. Normally it shouldn't matter. Normally everyone would have been like, "Haha, check out that guy in a kilt." But this is not a normal situation. Fashion week this year, wasn't normal, and that's because, I, Afam, the Afamzing (Afam amazing- I have a guy that comes up with these things for me. He may or may not live in my head) was there. Now, I'm not going to let you bitch about it in the comment section. That's childish. If I'm going to bitch about something, I'll make damn sure that I'm viciously bitchy about it. Yeah, dudes can be bitches sometimes. I'm not going to be a bitch in this one though. I'm taking the higher ground.

Fashion week was perfect. I don't mean that everything went splendidly and that all the clothes were worth seeing, because not all of them were. The Kinabuti collection was a let down. It's because it happened, and I was there. I'll remember it always. It was a watch me fly moment. I was doing something that I never thought I'd be doing and I was loving it. There were many stand out moments for me. Hopefully I'll get the chance to tell you what all of them were, and I can't say that I will. My time's scare these days. I've got a lot of thinking to do. I've got to think about how writing can sustain a decent lifestyle or keep a family. One thing is clear. I've got to leave here.

The shocking thing about fashion journalism in Nigeria, is that there is none. There's so much arse kissing that it's a wonder that everyone in the industry doesn't walk around with pink eye. And that in itself isn't the worst thing. The worst thing is that  the only fashion journalism that exists here is actually PR. That's awful. I was going to swear there but I refrained. I've got to do something about my potty hand.

I'll give you an example:

What the devil is this? http://www.bellanaija.com/2013/10/28/gtbank-lagos-fashion-design-week-2013-iconic-invanity-presents-elements/

The only words in there are:
"Giving us everything fab! The Spring/Summer 2014 Iconic Invanity collection is everything signature Iconic with a few new pieces.

There's no subtlety about it. That's a diamante vagina.

The time has come for the last edition of Street Style at Lagos Fashion Week series. I'm depressed. Hell to the no! I'm ecstatic. All of that running up and down the green carpet like a madman was just too much effort. Actually that's a lie too. I liked it. I really did. I had such great energy. I was so happy and flighty and personable that I almost didn't recognise myself. I'm usually quite cranky, and grouchy, but on the green carpet I was like the duracell bunny. I was the politest, most effective photographer out there and this made me happy. That's enough sentimental rubbish. I can be such an emotional human being sometimes. I'll start this one with a bang.

This is Denola Adepetun aka handsome dude. I like his trousers. And I like how they're rolled up. Ankle cleavage is the best kind of cleavage that a man can have. Pec cleavage is a little too look at me. Ankle cleavage is just the right amount of check me out. That blazer! I need it. Dood, when you read this, just tell me where you got it from. If you don't we shan't be friends. Yes, I'll unfriend you from life. It's that deep. I kid (no, not really). It all works really. His belt doesn't match his shoes, but it still works.

Also, the bow-tie would have been more impressive if it were a self tie one. Self tie bow-ties are the way forward. I shouldn't really comment on his style. It's much better than mine. Mama Afam said so.

Before I left to do my fashion week covering duties on Saturday (the last day of Fashion Week was Saturday), Mama Afam pulled me aside and said, "Afam, that Denola boy, is he a model?" - I think he is, but I said, "No, I don't think so." If I said that he was, Mama Afam would have sighed or made a sarcy comment, or arched an eyebrow the way Nigerian parents tend to do when you tell them that friends of yours have unconventional interests. "Well, he's very handsome. Those cheekbones are something else. He dresses well too. Try to be like him." That killed me. It really did. My idea of dressing well is to take my best clothes and make them look as raggedy as possible, or to lock them up in a closet somewhere and never wear them. "Those cheekbones could have been painted on! It's almost as if he wears make up" she went on. And I said "Well, I wouldn't know, but he might do." "Really?" She asked. I said that I'd ask him when I saw him and I left the house.

It should come as no surprise that when I saw him the first words that left my stupid stupid mouth were, "do you wear make up?" He doesn't wear make up by the way. But he didn't see that question coming. It was a verbal sucker punch. Afam 1, Denola nil. But on the embarrassment, emotional intelligence, and tact scale, it was Afam -1,000,000,000...000,000 (ad infinitum), Denola - 0. I wish I could help myself, but I can't.

This is Damola Adepetun, Denola's brother. Sharp suit. Slightly too long trousers. He's good looking too. He isn't as good looking as his brother. If he was I would have sold their pictures to bellanaija for all the single women, married women, and unhappily married women to eat. Who knows? I still might. I see an Adepetun fan page. And I see thirst.

And now we've got Niyi. That tie. That suit. Those shoes. That Gorimappah!!!! His bald head gives me life! Niyi, what happened to your hat? It's incredibly smart and well cut though. I'll probably do a piece on his label, post-imperial. His ties and pocket squares are stocked in the stranger store in Lagos. Here, he's looking down at me.

And here, we've got Folu Storms giving us "yeah I know you want to take my picture because I'm such a babe." I know you're wondering how she "keeps it 100" She runs. She runs a lot. I bet that stomach is as flat as a board. There are no spanx underneath that dress. The shoes match the dress and the carpet. It was a pleasure to photograph Folu. She's got too many poses for the mandem,

Mai Atafo and Fashion week organising lady. Well they both look nice. I like Mai's monk strap shoes. He's really really dandy though. I mean dandy in the classic sense, and that means that he's a fop, a poseur, a bright young thing, a rake... etc. When I asked to take mummy's picture she said, "But why? I'm not famous or anything." She didn't know that I was Afam. I mean, who gives a flying rats arse if you're famous or not. I need your pisho so that I can write underneath it. Plus some Nigerian celebrities kind of, sort of, take the piss. It's ridiculous really.

Kenneth Ize, looking all dark and emo and London and hipster. He looks like one of my friends from school, Gabriel Inegbese. I'm sorry. I really had to use Gabby's real name. I've never actually written Gabby before. It's kind of feminine when you think about it. #jab. Anyway he's cool. I love those trousers. and those shoes. I like the way he dresses. He looks homeless but not.

She was nice. She stood posing for ages. I was like, Sistuh, sistuh I need your pisho and she was like alright, I'll let you take my pisho.

Then she was like, "he's taken my pisho. Now, lemme scratch my eye without smudging my make ups"(i did that intentionally) But I was like I'm always here sistuh, and I took another pisho! #cheekyafam

When Sistuh realised that I was still there with my baby camera, the canon SX280 HS, she righted herself and gave us the winning pose. I call it the model 101 Imma put my hand on my hip pose. Tyra Banks taught her well. Her name's Marie Miller

This is Rory Okoli. You may remember her from day 2. She looks like she was happy to see me. I like her hair.

See this fine gyal. #TeamLightSkinned I know she's pretty and all, but in Lagos, her prettiness has been magnified 1000% because of how light she is. But that's got nothing to do with her, because she was perfectly nice. She gave me facebook smile here. I'm sure that if you find her on facebook you'll see the same smile in every picture. Linda Iheonu

This guy's name is Prince Joro. He's giving us Halloween and that's just as well, because it's in a few days.

Here you have  Folake Awobot and T.I Nathan. They look nice I think.I like his blazer. I hate her dry cleaning bill.

Look at this curvy babe (Lilian) giving me that shy smile. I know she wants me.  I can see it in her eyes. There are like 1000 songs in those two sentences. The first sentence is equal parts cole ocho by Pit Bull, and Blurred Lines. And the second is some straight up Kylie Minogue. She's Folu Storms' stylist.

I didn't get this chaps name.I like the pieces individually but together? I'm skipping on to the next one before I slay myself.

Tolu Onabanjo and Dk Olumofin-iii. Tolu and Muffin sitting in a tree... I asked him if he was fucking with me, becuase DK Olumofin-iii is a little bit of a weird one. He wasn't. I do like what he's wearing but it's much too much. I don't like the way he's done his pocket square and there's something distinctly Ibo about the chain.

This is Hawa. She's got a face that makes you go awww. She looks like the muse of an R and B song. And there ain't nothing wrong with a little bump and grind. She makes me want to step in the name of love, because Oh! I need her boo, and no! one else will do because with every sommmin and every sommin she makes me fall in love.

This was the Spice televisions, correspondent in Lagos. She said that she loved Lagos, that she flies between England and Lagos, frequently. I said Sistuh, it's easy to love Lagos in small doses. When you live here, if Lagos were a human being you would kill it everyday, and in every way possible.

It's a gorgeous dress.

Here we have Bayo Oke-Lawal aka the Orange Nerd. He's the ultimate hype man. If you write about him, he'll retweet it. This is the best sort of human being in the world. I have no doubt that he's wearing himself again. I like him. If you don't wear your shit, then why should I want to wear it. Anyway, when I have money, I'll buy his stuff on Jumia. In the meanwhile, some freebies would be nice.

Even though Blk Kangaroo is in Canada, it's nice to see that they were present at fashion week. Arrieta, the loudest person on the production team at fashion week is wearing one of their t-shirts here. I saw her yell at a model for coming 3 hours late. I almost cried for the model.

This is Ian Audifferen. He's a great human being. He lent me his designers pass so I could go backstage and steal a very nice seat, and put my tripod down right at the centre of the pit. I am grateful. Here he's wearing orange culture trousers and his own shirt I think. He's a designer. Google him maybe?

This is our very photogenic friend from day 2. I forgot to ask him for his name again. #BadAfam I like the shirt. It's the sort of thing I'd wear as a jacket.

I like smiley people. I really do. Her name's Bunmi Olunloyo. It looks like leather, i's black, and anyway you look at it, those are loubitins. Sistuh, your shoes cost more than my camera. How do you think that makes me feel?

:-). mwahahahahaha. The trousers are a bit long. Those shoes should have stayed in Italy, and homie must have sweating buckets when he got inside because i was wearing a slip of a tshirt and I was positively soaked when I came out of the fashion week tent. I do quite like his shades. A for Effort. He looks good in his own way. He might have looked better if this was London. But I'm not going to see you wearing a bomber jacket and scream, "SWAGGY." I'll think other less pleasant, quite possibly vulgar things. His name is Wale Rubber.

This is them together. The top half isn't bad you know. It's quite nice. It's just those trousers!

This right here is Agocha Davis. :-) I like the name, but it isn't half as cool as mine. My name is Afam Odi. Yes, I gave it to myself. How cool am I? I would wear this I think...maybe not together... And certainly not that well put together. I like to be scruffy. I don't like to comb my hair. How do you like his hair colour? Do I get to make ginger jokes or ask inappropriate questions like, are your pubes ginger?

This here is Bigben. He's a designer. It's a good look I think.

Here we have the one an only Toyin aka sohosister in an asos jumpsuit. I told her that she shouldn't have worn a bra... She's doing her signature pose with her Givenchy bag.

This is Toyin again. Before you brand me a pervert, this is why I told her that she should have ditched the bra, it's visible. She still looks great anyway, and we've got the same Ray Bans. Does this mean that I've got good taste.

You've got to love this girl. She's Onasanya, the best friend of my good friend Zeek, who is killing everyone in LSE. Whoop! Whoop! I really dig the yellow shoes, the distressed denim jeans, and the python print t-shirt. It's crazy.

Here we've got an East African beauty!! Diana Opoti hails from Kenya. Gorgeous Smile!

I have a soft spot for this one. She distracted me from my fashion week coverage with her stimulating conversation. I see her face in my minds eye. She's wearing a wrap dress by someone... I can't remember who. I'll ask her on twitter. This is how you set twitter p. From asking her who she was wearing, I'll ask her about her day, and then in 20 years, we'll be sending our first child to University.

Here we've got Cassandra. She's pouting it like a vilain. Yeah gimme those duck lips! Work it!

This is Toyosi Mobereola. She doesn't live in Nigeria. Can you tell? Is that a leopard print, cheetah print, or jaguar print? Because I can't tell.

I know that I should probably not have put this one in. But it's adorable. Look at Temi Dollface try to make ugly face...

Sistuh Sistuh, this is how you make ugly face. You need to drink a swimming pool load of water and practically drown.

Anyway, I like what she's wearing here. It's a pretty hat.

Here's Folu Storms, interviewing Mai Atafo and rocking the hell out of this Tumiila dress. The dress was shown on the same night!

Yes this is the dress.

I'm glad it's over. I thought it'd never end. Until the next event I cover, or until the next time I take my camera and start harassing the general public. It happens more often than you'd think.

#instavillain