Originally on The Sauvage 

S.E stands for Sauvage Editor

We didn't expect this to happen so soon, but we're glad that it did. The Sauvage Assisstant and I had planned for a month of solid writing before we went on the hunt for contributors, so when Afam of The Ramblings of a Madman tweeted at us, asking for a column we were a little bit surprised. He was looking for a space that wasn't his, so we gave him a column, and then we decided to do something unheard of.

Not many people in this business celebrate their writers and regular contributors, so we thought to change things. We'll announce every regular contributor before they begin, and we'll interview them so that you get a sense of who they are, and why they're with us.

 S.E: Hi.

Afam: Hi.

S.E: How did you find out about us?

Afam: You interviewed Denola Grey and he instagrammed it. I followed you guys after I think.

S.E: And the blog, how's that going?

Afam: It's been alright thanks. I've made some great friends through it.

S.E: Friends like Toyin of Ndani and Feyi?

Afam: Yeah. How did you know that?

S.E: Sometimes, when you selfie with them you say #WeMetOnTheInternet

Afam: That's really observant of you actually.

S.E: Thanks. Have there been any down sides?

Afam: Some people hate my guts, but that's alright right?

S.E: Are you on Tinder by the way?

Afam: Err no. Are you on Tinder?

S.E: Not yet, but soon.

Afam: Looks like I'm not the only perpetually single guy out there. S.E: Shut your face. I'm not the one who got his heart broken and blogged about it. 

Afam: Are you sure this column thing is a good idea?

S.E: We'll see won't we?

Afam: I guess.

S.E: In any case you've got 523 likes on Facebook, 795 followers on twitter and a good number of insta-lovers. You'll be good for us, and if you aren't we'll chuck you.

Afam: Fair enough. You're a little bit of a knob though.

S.E: There's no other way to be. We'll look forward to reading Afam's words on Monday morning.

It's been a while. I am alive, and I am in Lagos. Whenever I haven't been out and about for a while people come up to me and ask if I've just come back from holiday. I don't quite understand this. No, anyway you look at it, it doesn't make any sense. Is my life expected to stop because I am no longer a constant feature of yours? Because you left me somewhere, did you always think that I would be there? It's crazy! Anyway, this one is about all the new things that are going on in my life.

First off, I quit my job. Err Maa Gerrrd! Why Afam! Why! The answer is begin with the end in mind. There's this myth that you've got to spend a couple of years doing things that you aren't particularly good at, or things that you don't like, so that one day in the near or far future, you'll get to do the things that you love. That is 1 million shades of bullshit. I say think very very hard about where you want to end up, and then live everyday until you get there in preparation for that day. So intern here, spend three years there, or go back to school, but in all your movements just make sure that you're aligning yourself with the end.

I learned a lot from my old job. I learned enough to see that it wasn't the best thing for right now. It may be a brilliant thing for 2016, but 2014, and 2015, are booked solid. Also, I got a new writing gig at thesauvage.com. I like the website. I like how they sound, and I like what they're fighting for. It's gutsy, and it's brave and I think it'll go far. I also like that the editor's a nasty little shit. He's rude, and sometimes rude is exactly what you need. Also it's easier to take editorial notes from someone that can use tenses properly, and doesn't bog the content down with useless useless needlessly large words.

For those of you that are worrying because unemployment in Lagos is no joke. It is really really hard to get any sort of job here without being a nepotist, I have another one lined up. It's content research at a television station and it looks promising. I haven't accepted it yet, but I will soon. There's no need to dawdle when you know exactly what you're after.

Unemployment has been great so far. I saw Grand Papa Afam on Saturday which is always nice. I've started swimming again, and I'm eating a lot better than I used to.

Onward and Upward!!

Happy Days,
Afam

Cummins why?

Cummins West Africa why?

I don't know what it is about paying customers. I mean, we people that pay for things must be daft, and that's because a $50,000 dollar generator is nothing to you. I mean you're Cummins, the biggest and the best right? What's the extra $50,000? What's the bad press, because this isn't good press. This is gutter press. For those of you who do not understand what gutter press is let me explain. Gutter press is when you routinely release the toxins that a company places within you by repeatedly serving you shit loads of bullshit into the world. For instance, a friend of mine said, "I can't wait till we get the new generator in." I said, "I hope it's not Cummins. It is better to have savings and no power, than it is to have a Cummins generator, and no savings." Does this sound libellous? Well, it isn't, because it is my truth. I am a the mouthpiece of a rightfully angry customer, every time any one mentions the word, generator, in my presence, I shall think about how spectacularly bad Cummins are, and because no filter exists between my brain and my fingers, or my brain and my mouth, the things I think will inadvertently leak out of my mouth, or spill from my fingers.

I need a little bit of a break so let's take a trip to the Cummins West Africa website shall we?

Hello. Hello. Hello. Life is extraordinary! My name is Condoriano Thatcher, and I'm jolly good friends with Afam. We met in the summer of 2012 and I knew then that we were destined to be friends forever and ever. We're fellow Unicorn bros and we're going to dance on rainbows when everything's said and done. Sing it with me!

The only thing I can say about this one is, why the dororeekado was he wearing a Kaleidoscope shirt darling? Every time the shirt changed colour I had a seizure. I'm far more interested in the dancer on his right. We could open a brothel together. She'd be the talent, and I'd be her madam. And please, a more believable car next time dahling. That was the first time Reekado child had stood so close to a Bentley, it should have been a Kia.
Tiwa actually looks good here dahling. She should marry the stylists that helped her dahling. Maybe now, my eyes won't implode everytime I see her on youtube. Now she only needs to stop rubbing herself so much, if she did it any more one would think she has ebola dahling.
This is a woman that I never want to see again darling. She shook her bum bum at me! How rude! How vulgar! I was traumatised. I think I might have post traumatic stress disorder.

Me: Yeah, that and fag ash breath. Don't you think you're being a little too harsh?

Gozzy: Shut up dahling. I told you not to interrupt me, you criminal.

 I was so happy for Dr. Sid here. I actually smiled. Can you imagine it dahling? Me, smiling? It was incredible dahling!

Me: Why were you smiling?

Gozzy: Because this is the most action the good fake doctor has gotten all year.

Me: Gozzy I think he's engaged!

Gozzy: Really? he's probably still a virgin then. I am always right dahling. I know it. I live in his attic.

Me: Stop lying Gozzy!

Gozzy: Did you say something, you imbecile you. It's good that you're cute, if you weren't I would have used you as my cat's litter basket dahling.

Me: But Gozzy, that isn't Dr. Sid!

Gozzy: Oh it's not?

Me: No.

Gozzy: Well whoever it is, is definitely a virgin.


Ah the good doctor looks good. I have no complaints about the sexy man. Yes, he's my landlord. I live in his attic, and this doctor is so far from virginity that he borders on being a man of the night.

Me: Gozzy, he's engaged!

Gozzy: If he's engaged, I'm sane. Stop playing games with me Condy dahling. I know what I'm talking about.
I just want to take this one home and ravage him. Then I'll put him in my brothel, and I'll be his pimp.  I'll change his name to Cougar bait, dahling. His Hausa sounding whine is just so sexy dahling. I'm quite sure that he's into BDSM. All he needs is a she beast to dominate him.

Me: Erm Gozzy. Isn't this a little bit inappropriate.

Gozzy: Enough, dahling. I know what I am talking about. Just the sight of him makes me want to purr. Yes, purr dahling. Miaow. There is only one thing about him I would change and that is his wardrobe dahling. He looks like a clown, albeit a sexy clown.


When I saw this one Condy, I was a little scared. She's a predator dahling. We must protect the sexy clown from her. I felt like she was about to eat me. Eat me Condy! All of that womanly hatred aside, I'm quite glad that she's a Northerner. We need more Northern musicians in the Nigerian pop genre. There are far too many Yoruba people in it, dahling.

Me: I'm getting tired of this Gozzy. You're too negative. You're messing with my chakra.

Gozzy: Stop it dahling. Your chakra is as black as mine. I throw the shade and you drink the tea. That's how it works honey sweetie cutie pie.

You can tell that all the confetti came from his nostrils dahling. They're just so big and dashing. I imagine that that's where he keeps his infamous goody bags dahling. Such a fine specimen of man. Also, all the women here are welcome to join my new entertainment establishment.

Me: You mean your brothel?

Gozzy: Don't be silly Condy, I could never be a madam. I am simply a provider of luxurious entertainment.

Me: Right.

Gozzy: Would you like to join it Condy baby? I know a woman or two that would use you well.

Me: Err no thanks.

Gozzy: Or you could be mine and mine alone Condy. It will be delicious dahling.

Me: Thanks but no thanks. Have you got anything else to say about the video?

Gozzy: Only that the next time the Mavin crew has money to burn, they should burn it on me. The Iamisigo resort collection is coming out soon. I need to be ready. I'll see you later Condy, I've got to go shopping.

And with that she walks out the door and hopefully out of my life. 

And Cut!
C.T (Condoriano Thatcher)
Call me Condy!

Hello people,

How's it going?

Today's going pretty well for me. I've laughed a lot. It's always good to laugh. Now, I've got to say something profoundly profound about laughter. It's a trick we bloggers/writers use all the time. If I were to start talking about beauty, I'd probably start of like this. I've heard it said that the 21st century has imposed a standard of beauty that is all but impossible, but I don't believe this. There's more to beauty than white teeth, sharp cheek bones, and symmetrical features. There is beauty in the sky, and the moon, and most smiles. The thing that makes a smile beautiful isn't the pearly teeth but the glimmer of genuine emotion that flashes across a face as its lips part. There is beauty in the neediness of Sam Smith, there is beauty in the smirk of Karlie Kloss and there is beauty in the common tragedy that life is. But, all of these things are things I find beautiful. Beauty is personal. Your eyes are yours and yours alone. Laughter is delightful because of the complete detachment that comes with it. When you laugh your head is clear. Laughter suspends reality for a heartbeat, and sometimes that's all you need.
I think a change of tone is necessary now. You may not know this about me, but I wear glasses. Sometimes, I love the fact that I'm bespectacled, and sometimes, I'm a little insecure about it. When I met G, University Crush number 3, I had my contacts in. It looked like things were going well, but we'd only just met so I was a little worried. When we went out on our first date I didn't want her to suddenly meet the bespectacled me and think, "I must have been drunker than I thought." Obviously, I'm not as insecure as I was then, life is far too short for that.

me

Getting a new pair of glasses can be a beastly experience. They're just so expensive! You can't scrimp on glasses because you wear them everyday. And even if you aren't fussed about how your frames frame your face, depending on your prescription, your lenses could be twice, or thrice as much as the frames themselves, so when I heard about Warby Parker I was very pleased indeed.

Warby Parker is a company that provides frames and lenses that don't leave your wallet skinny. In their words,

Meet the Julias

Meet the Claras

Yes! These three. They're me, and I'm sure that if you go through their website, you'll find you too.
 Happy Days,
Afam

ps. The frames, I'm wearing in the photo aren't Warby Parker frames. #justsaying

ps. Haskell call me.

psss. Haskell I love you

pssssss. Haskell I want to have your babies.

psssssss. Sorry to get your hopes up Haskell, I can't have babies. I have a penis.