It really is very important that I inform the lot of you that I, Afam am no longer twenty and two. No, I'm over that, 22 is such an awful age. If 21 is the orgasm of youth then 22 is the bit that follows after it when you fall asleep. 23 is infinitely better than 22, because the very second you turn 23 your batteries recharge and you're ready, primed and keen for round two.

Good Job!! #AfamUp #AfamThumbsUp. If you're thinking about economical swimming trunks, Slazenger do a pretty fine job. You can't see the logo properly but those are made by Slazenger. I swear it.

A couple of hours after I posted my interview of Lakin, the fetishist (I mean that in the best way possible. He isn't a sexual deviant as far as I know, it's just that Lakin has "things" for so many things. As I know of no synonym for thing but fetish, fetishist it is) he asked me what my next post would be about, and I said, "who knows?" Because I almost never know what the next one is. It's a little bit like life I suppose. I can't tell you what will happen in an hour but I do hope desperately that my dissertation learns to write and edit itself. That would be lovely wouldn't it?

That's a shirt/blouse from Celine and it is exceedingly cool and not at all mind boggling. You need not stretch your imagination to think of how you could possibly wear such. It's either a too large shirt or a cross between a shirt and a tunic. It is hardly extraordinary. You could do so much worse. You have probably done so much worse.

That's from J.W Anderson's 2013 Autumn/Winter collection. I'm probably not going to be wearing this any time soon.  I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it. If you want to rip the clothes off the model, more power to you. Do your thang. Be your own man, or woman.

I wrote about them here: http://www.theramblingsofamadman-afam.com/2013/01/meggings.html and I think they're offensive. If you've clicked on the link and read what I had to say about meggings not too long ago, then you are a star. You are a gem among gems, and I will hold you dear forever. I really haven't got anything more to add, except that they are obscene.

That is a printed Kaftan. Without the model it really doesn't look that feminine at all, which is a good thing. You want to be looking like a prince, not a princess. While it's perfectly acceptable to want to look like a princess, if you do you shouldn't take any advice from me because you won't end up looking like a princess. I like things like this and that's probably because I'm African. It looks comfortable and easy to wear. The only disadvantage is that it's completely made out of polyester, and I'm not the biggest fan of polyester. Why wear polyester when there's cotton? If you fancy it, pick it up here

This on the other hand looks incredibly feminine on the model. But it is still tunicy and Africany so I love it anyway. It's made out of cotton, but the embellishments are polyester. I liked it so much that I bought it. Yes, I bought it. As I'll be moving back to Nigeria soon, where the temperatures hover around the late 20s and early thirties all year round, this is the easiest breeziest item of clothing I'm likely to find. If it were any breezier, I would be naked, and we can't have that can we? My naked form would seduce you, because I am a sexy beast. I didn't come up with that. Believe me! Read my about page. If you quite like it, then you might as well buy it. It's about time that you started being good to you. Buy it here

Talent is something so rare and intangible that when seen it must be appreciated. It reaches out to us and shows us the fibre underneath the fluff. In my short career as a blogger, I have seen several pictures; hundreds and thousands of them, but not many of them have stood out to me. Hardly any of them have made me think, "Who took this?" This is partly because of the medium itself and partly because we live in a world where every Tom, Dick, Harry, Sally and Methuselah has a camera and photoshop.

Lakin Ogunbanwo is a 25 year old fashion photographer who lives and works in Nigeria. The fact that he is a fashion photographer in itself is a little bit strange as he is the holder of two degrees in law. The first is a BA in International Law and Diplomacy from Babcock University and the second is an LLB in Law from the University of Buckingham. He is part of the Nigerian artistic uprising for Nigerian parents are notorious for their condescension of any field that does not guarantee a 9 to 5pm work day with ample opportunities for promotion and job security.

It has come to my attention that I might be balding. Of course balding isn't uncommon in men, it's the natural way of things. The problem here is that I, Afam am not a boy and not yet a man. Well, we've all listened to Britney Spears at one point or the other so you mustn't think any less of me. Yes, Slave 4 u blew my 11 year old mind clean out of my head. Perhaps this is the source of my madness. I shall contemplate this while playing guitar hero later. Speaking of which, I managed to cop quite the brilliant deal from a fellow Student Castle resident. Student Castle is the rather queer but nice building I live in. I love the way building and live in sound together. There's a sort of assonance there that excites me. I think that there is a slight possible that I am "assosexual". Yes, I made that up myself and yes, I am incredibly pleased with myself.


I, Afam, managed to obtain Guitar Hero Legends of Rock, Guitar Hero World Tour and two Guitar Hero guitars for £20. This is a BARGAIN and three quarters!! I am so excited that I cannot contain myself. I am so excited that I might go for a jig outside. Yes, a little Cha Cha, a little Mambo No. 5, just so that you won't need that Love Potion number 9.




Mambo number 5 is the Lou Bega song that features the names of the following women: Angela, Pamela, Monica, Erika, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary, and Jessica in that order.


Love Potion Number 9 is a song by the written by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller, originally performed by the Clovers, but perhaps made most famous by the searchers and a 1992 Rom Com starring Tate Donovan and Sandra Bullock. And yes, you guessed it the movie is based on the song. I know, it all sounds a little bizarre so I'll exit, stage left... Hilar! Hilar! Hilar! And that folks is how the word hilarious came about. It was first someone's very very peculiar laugh, much like guffaw. 

That was quite possibly the best £20 I have ever spent. I, like Alexander Dumas, Lindsay Lohan, Nicholas Cage and Wesley Snipes am simply frightful when it comes to the management of money. Do you know that I spent up to £100 pounds on the popular Ipad and Iphone game, Clash of Clans? I no longer play this game, but I maintain that it was money well spent because I gained a great deal of satisfaction from it. If spending money does not leave you feeling all good, bubbly, spritely and frivolous inside, then what is the good of it? If it makes you happy, you should use that Benjamin Franklin dollar bill to wipe your nose, or pick up your dog's accident. In fact, I do not know why we don't for if we took it to the bank they would be obliged to take the note, regardless of it's condition. This seems to me to be the most economical mode of human waste management. It's like toilet roll that's infinitely and completely recyclable.

While balding isn't uncommon in men, I Afam, am not a man. No I'm not. I'm a man child and the last time I checked there was nothing in my man child hand book that said anything about balding, thinning and receding hairlines. If my widow's peak becomes any more isolated, I just might change the name of the blog. Oh! You don't know what a widow's peak is? Hahahaha! I laugh at your ignorance. No, I shan't tell you. I cannot possibly be expected to operate like a walking talking infomercial. I hate those things. They make me want to violence the television. Yes, violence the television because I do not know what sort of mechanism of violence I wish to inflict on the fowl device. My widow's peak, being eroded from both sides at an alarming rate. I fear that soon the name widow's peak will no longer do.  I fear that soon, it'll be a widows island.

I went to my barber the other day to complain about the situation. I said to him,

"Ahmed! Look at what is happening! Just look at it! Look at it!"

You must excuse the shouty exclamation marks, I was not my usual cool, calm, and collected self. My inner Zen was in shambles and my inner god was on holiday. If E.L James, the woman behind the 50 Shades of Grey insists that women have an inner goddess whose entire diction is almost completely governed by two words, "Oh my!" then I insist that men must have an inner god whose diction completely revolves around the this expletive laden phrase, "f*** that s**t"

"What is it that I am meant to be looking at?" he replied, completely oblivious of the man tantrum I was throwing.

"My head! My hairline! It's receding!" I yelled back at him. I was no greater than two stages away from ripping the hair from my head like a mourning widow.

"Ah. Yes. I can see it. It's because you think too much."

I was so perplexed by his answer that I forgot my attention gathering antics.

"I think too much?" I asked him.

"Yes. I see it all the time. Every time I cut your hair, your forehead is wrinkled." he answered.

"But what if I was losing the hair in the centre of my head"

"Easy. That's usually cos you know too much."

"And if I had both the receding hairline and the balding centre?"

"Then you think you know too much." he replied smugly.


The End

Happy Days,
Afam

It is very late indeed and I cannot sleep. This is a very lucky thing indeed because weird and wonderful things happen at night. I am firmly of the belief that the she devil that is inspiration lurks in the darkness, and bites the buttocks of those she deems fit to spew cosmic brilliance into the world. As I write this my buttocks are ready to be injected with creativity. I am in dire need of it. The need for creativity is so great in me that I have enrolled in a crash course in creativity at Stanford. Yes, Stanford, that rather old, pretty darn good university across the pond. No, I will bot be going to the states just yet, the only things you need for this are a computer, a smartphone with a camera and internet access. As I have two of the three, I am more than well equipped to participate. No, a blackberry does not count as a smart phone. I do not know that a blackberry can be called a phone. Blackberrys are the physical manifestations of disappointment.

It is a wonder that my blackberry did not burst into flame because after I typed that sentence I looked at mine with so much hatred that I'm sure it felt the burn. It wouldn't have mattered at all if it had burst into flame because I, Afam am a fire man. Yes, I kid you not. I've got the costume and everything.


If that doesn't qualify one to be a fire man, then I don't know what does!

That was what I wore to the last Athletics Union social I attended.  Now regarding the AU social, I have one rule, "if there is an outrageous fancy dress theme, I'm there." As I am a member of three sports societies, trampolining, squash and swimming (I belong to more, but I never seem to attend their practice sessions. I cannot tell you what I was thinking when I put my name down for American football and that's probably because I wasn't thinking at all) the opportunities for attendance are infinite.

And I do. I love it to bits, for the amounts of fun I have had at the AU social are unquantifiable. The sheer entertainment value of it is enough to drive anyone to hysterics. I think that it is quite possible that at the AU we drink not to have a good time, but to gain some tolerance for the truly stupendous things that are bound to occur during the night. There are things that one simply cannot handle sober.

Take this for instance:

I used to be under the impression that this was a fairly acceptable Where's Wally costume... I'm sorry I jump ahead of myself. I did not pause to consider that the bulk of you might be completely devoid of any knowledge remotely related to Where's Wally. 
That's Wally. The lead character of Where's Wally, a series of children's books created by British illustrator Martin Handford.
It's called Where's Waldo in Canada. Why this is the case, I couldn't possibly say but I cannot say that I'm surprised. 

This is what I thought passed for an appropriate where's Wally costume. 
It isn't great but it's decent I think. Very soon after that I was proven wrong.

Where's Willy?

I cannot find the words. To those of you that are not yet in University, it is fairly likely that these are the sorts of things you will both encounter and do. You will not be able to comprehend or explain  why it is that you did whatever it is that you will do. The only thing that you'll be able to do is store your experience of the events in your memory bank, or destroy the memory of the evening with copious amounts of alcohol. It's all a little bit of fun, no? And what's more, it's timely fun. It's best that you get this sort of faffery and foolery out of your system while you're young. It isn't cute when you're 40.

Happy Days and Nights,
Afam

It's happened again. You see, I Afam am a man of ease. As such I am very rarely ever livid. The things that drive most people absolutely stark raving mad make me smile in a listless fashion. Take this character for instance, he calls himself Lavish and he operates the instagram account called itslavishbitch. Take a look at it here http://instagram.com/itslavishbitch#

Lavish is very very wealthy and he likes to show it.

That's how much he has on his starbucks app.

4 iphones, 1 boy.

Lavish fills his toilet bowl with pellegrino, the best sparkling water in the world. He washes his hands with it too.

Even Rihanna thinks he's daft.

Strangely enough I'm not mad. I'm not bothered at all and there are several reasons why this is.

A fool and his money are soon parted. I have no doubt that his immense inheritance will find it's way out of his grasp if he does not learn a life lesson or two.

All the Nigerian Princes and Russian Christian women, have you seen this? This man is ripe for the taking. Please divert all demands to Lavish, he's likely to be dumb enough to fall for them.

Lavish is 17. Lavish is a child. I cannot comment seriously about the activities of spoiled children. I can however comment on the activities of his parents. What were they doing while their son turned into such a monster? I don't think that this is such a bad thing either. The world has a special place for monsters. If it made space for Hitler and Idi Amin there must be a place for Lavish too.

Isn't it odd that he has so much cash? #LaunderedMoney #DrugMoney #IllGottenMoney #TheFedsAreUntoHim

I don't like that he's taken to trolling Kim Kardashian and all the Kardashians, and I don't like that he's an uncouth git with a filthy tongue but apart from that I don't mind him. 

This looks like a rather good drama, and I think it's likely that the climax is approaching, so I'll watch for a while. 

Happy Days,
Afam.

Ps.
Not my money, not my problem, not my business.

I am sorry my famzers, I have failed you. If you are new then you're probably wondering who a famzer is as it is not yet a word in the English English dictionary. If it were a word in the American English dictionary I would not be surprised at all. Famzer is the name I lovingly bestow on all readers of the blog. I say tonnes more about it here. Now where was I? I really must put more effort into staying on topic, but it is quite possible that you enjoy it when I digress. I am sorry my famzers, I have been terrible. I have not gone online window shopping and told you what it is that you should be buying and wearing since September. I assume that you have all gone about naked.

I'll have you know that I, Afam am uniquely qualified to go online window shopping on your behalf. On Tuesday I was featured on the GQ Style Hunt. I went through the trouble of taking a screenshot of it for your viewing pleasure. In my opinion this is the only qualification I'll ever need.

So you know that fashion blog you've been reading? Stop. He isn't as stylish as me. Even though I don't blog about clothes very often, quality is always better than quantity.

After seeing the pictures, you must all be unbelievably desperate to hear how this truly spectacular, lavish and extravagant outfit came about. Yes, your heart is pounding very heavily indeed, boom ba da boom ba da boom. If I do not tell you might spontaneously combust from anxiety. As I do not want you to go up in a pillar of flame, for if you did you would be unable to read the blog, and I can't have that, I'll put you out of your collective misery.

White is such an easy colour, one can never have too many white things. However this doesn't apply to underwear. When I was in boarding school Papa Afam used to buy me white underwear from Marks and Spencer.

 I love Marks and Spencer for trunks, hipsters and boxers. They're all so very comfortable.

As you can imagine I hated this. I went to a boarding school in Abuja for the greater part of my teenage years, where the only things vaguely resembling a washing machine were my tiny hands and my ingenuity with mixing detergents and bleaches. My white boxers were the bane of my life. And if God Forbid you did a shart, you were finished. I swear to you, the time I spent maintaining their whiteness was worth more than the damn things. Boxers should always be black. Black hides a multitude of sins and as such is the pinnacle of efficiency. 

Anyway, that's a white long sleeved t-shirt from H & M in a medium. I got one two sizes larger than me because I like the way it hangs on me.

The trousers are a drop crotch carrot leg pair from All Saints. They are thirty inches at the waist at the waist and this is a shame because I'm only 28 inches. As a result of this truly unfortunate difference, I spend the greater proportion of my time in them hoisting them up. It is exhausting. Why doesn't he wear a belt you ask? Well, I refuse to wear a belt with them because when I do all the extra fabric gathers at my crotch. It makes it look like I've stuffed a baby down there!! On that day I fastened the trousers to my boxers with some safety pins. Genius!!

I chose a pair of Reiss leather slippers for my feet and a red snap back for my head. I'm really keen on snap backs at the moment. There are so many different ways that they could be worn. There's really no excuse not to own a few dozen.

I finished the look with my silver bracelet from Tiffany & Co, my 21st birthday present and a natural pearl, and precious stone bracelet I nicked off a good friend of mine.

When dressing up, it is important that you remember that one stand out item is enough to see you through. Too many stand out items and you will end up looking like a clown.

Happy Days,
Afam

We're already four months into the year but recent developments have forced me to make a new new year's resolution. I must not become a Beyonce stan. The odds are against me but I, Afam am nothing if not a fighter. I will outlast the woman. I will be like a big ass rock in the rapids. The waters of Beyonce will break on my head but I will remain unweathered.

I have already resigned myself to the fact that we shall not go a day this year without talking about her. Everyday she's on my facebook timeline. Everyday she's on my twitter live feed. As I type this that song that she debuted yesterday (Grown Woman) is stuck in my head because like it or not I really like to hear that she can be bad if she wants and that she can go slow all night long. Don't blame me. It isn't my fault. I'm only a man.

And after this:
 and this:

 and this:


and this:
I can hardly be blamed for keeping a very special eye out for her. I cannot tell you the number of times this year I've thought something along the lines of, "Jay-Z, you lucky bugger you."

Do you understand my plight? If you don't then you are even more addled than me, madman Afam. Over the year, I have had the following thoughts and questions about her. I will share them with you because sharing is always caring except when referring to STDs. Wear a condom.

Is Blue Ivy an Alien or is she just incredibly healthy? (She's a little bit large for her age.)

Is Beyonce actually Solange's mother? (I didn't make this one up.)

Why are her guns so big, and why is it that when she dances she gets this murderous look on her face?

Is she part of the illuminati, or is it all just one big publicity stunt?

Has she set the feminist movement back 50 years by telling the beetches to bow down?

What is her hair made of? I know it's a weave but human hair just isn't that bouncy.

Why is she trying to make us think that she drank that pepsi? She didn't drink that pepsi. Anyone who doubts this is a dolt. 

So she did music for the Great Gatsby? Why did we only hear about this yesterday? It was a little bit clever because in the morning I saw the Pepsi advert, in the evening I watched the new Great Gatsby trailer and today I saw the behind the scenes video of the Pepsi advert. Does that mean she occupied a whole day of my life?




 

How do all those costumes still fit her? Is she a wizard?

Is she a satanist? No, really, I saw some damn crazy video that had all sorts of demonic connotations and stuff.

Why has she been on the covers of so many magazines this year? I know she's an over achiever but 3 is just wicked. 

Is she a feminist or not? Because this is really important. I want to know!

So when is that first single coming out? 

Crazy in Love came out a decade ago!! I'm an old man!!

 Happy Days,
Afam

I never thought I would grow to hate them. I had once been one of them so how could I grow to hate them? Perhaps it is because I was never one of them. I merely donned their skin for a time. One easily shed when I no longer needed it. I never expected to feel so lonely without it. I thought that the moment I removed it, it would reveal another fully formed.

I could never quite put on the old skin once I'd cast it off. The thought of barbecues in February, barbecues under the weak wintry sun never again seemed like the thing to do.


Happy Days,
Afam

Mama Afam seems to think that I wrote this from the perspective of a potato. She says that she would have hated to be barbecued in February too.