The Ramblings of a Madman: CUMMINS

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Notes on Gutter Press, Bad Press, and Cummins West Africa

Afam 07:22:00

Cummins why?

Cummins West Africa why?

I don't know what it is about paying customers. I mean, we people that pay for things must be daft, and that's because a $50,000 dollar generator is nothing to you. I mean you're Cummins, the biggest and the best right? What's the extra $50,000? What's the bad press, because this isn't good press. This is gutter press. For those of you who do not understand what gutter press is let me explain. Gutter press is when you routinely release the toxins that a company places within you by repeatedly serving you shit loads of bullshit into the world. For instance, a friend of mine said, "I can't wait till we get the new generator in." I said, "I hope it's not Cummins. It is better to have savings and no power, than it is to have a Cummins generator, and no savings." Does this sound libellous? Well, it isn't, because it is my truth. I am a the mouthpiece of a rightfully angry customer, every time any one mentions the word, generator, in my presence, I shall think about how spectacularly bad Cummins are, and because no filter exists between my brain and my fingers, or my brain and my mouth, the things I think will inadvertently leak out of my mouth, or spill from my fingers.

I need a little bit of a break so let's take a trip to the Cummins West Africa website shall we?

"Cummins is a global power leader that designs, manufactures, sells and services diesel engines and related technology around the world.

We at Cummins West Africa are a reliable provider of power generation systems, components and services in standby power, distributed power generation, as well as auxiliary power in mobile applications to meet the needs of a diversified customer base.

We take pride in distribution and installation of, generators, filters and related products that serve the varied needs of our customers"

That is what their website says. I have taken the liberty of rewriting it for them. I write copy for some of my living, so it wasn't a particularly difficult feat. Yes, I know, it's boring, but we've all got to eat.

Cummins West Africa is a regional bundle of inefficiency, skulduggery and general bastardy that assembles, mis-sells and ill services diesel engines and related technology.

We at Cummins West Africa are chronic sufferers of the customer is a bloody idiot disease. Yes, it is quite tragic. We're forced to believe that the customer is a bloody idiot even when the customer is not a bloody idiot, and this can be rather troublesome.

For instance the Directors of Whispering Palms no longer say anything to us. We only speak to their lawyers and they aren't very friendly. Every time we send an email to the Directors they say, "thank you very much kind sirs, we'll forward your email to our lawyers, please expect a reply from them soon." How rude! We at Cummins West Africa are an unreliable provider of power generator systems, components and services in standby power, distributed power generation, as well as auxiliary power in mobile applications that do not generally meet the needs of anyone."

We take no pride in the distribution and installation of, generators, filters and related products that serve the varied needs of our customers.

I'm a fairly good copy writer aren't I? Just read it! Is it not brilliant? Are you dying for a Cummins generator now? Oh! You're not? Damn. You lot are a hard sell!

For those of you who are new, this is what happened. Whispering Palms is a resort in Badagry, that lies by the Lagos Lagoon. When their old generator showed signs that it wasn't in it for the long haul Whispering Palms called Cummins in for a consultation. The Cummins technical team came in on two separate days, and then made a recommendation. The Directors of Whispering Palms looked at the recommendation and approved it. There were six weeks between payment and delivery. Cummins supplied a brand new generator that has effectively packed up three times in three months. The brand new generator that Cummins sold has had it's exciter changed twice (or was it thrice). The generator is supposed to be under warranty for a year, but none of the repairs were covered because they were as a result of environmental damage which is not covered by the warranty. Because the brand new generator does not work, Whispering Palms is currently renting another generator.

Conclusion: Cummins West Africa supplied a generator that they knew could not work in the general Badagry area, so that Whispering Palms would be forced to pay for repeated repairs.

Analogy: When you go to a hospital to be treated for tonsillitis, but in-between the Operating theatre and your house, you get HIV.

What has this got to do with Afam: Well, I don't like to swear, so from now until I get bored, or the situation changes, Cummins on the blog will be synonymous with every swear word that I know.

Examples:

What the cummins are you doing?

You are a cumminsing idiot!

Make sure you flush the cummins down the toilet.

I know that all cummins stinks, but your cummins is stinkier than most.

etc.

I will be happy when Cummins come and collect their generator with a full refund.

Cummins has buggered me, (This will also be a recurring theme)

Afam.

WHISPERING PALMS

Cummins Stop Buggering the Professor!!

Afam 20:53:00

Oh! My blood is boiling! I'm so agitated that I'm typing like I'm playing staccato notes on the piano. Of course, this may be due to the fact that I'm deathly afraid of catching Ebola from my keyboard. Don't be silly, I know that my keyboard can't infect me but...

Hand sanitiser break. Forgive me.

I can't help myself. My fear is obsessive. My fear is compulsive. My fear is not a disorder.

Hand sanitiser break.

It could also be due to some corporate folly, foolishness, inanity, recklessness, thoughtlessness, and downright wickedness. Companies won't you have mercy? You famzers (dear and undear readers) need a little background info.

If you read about Nigeria, you'll read that Nigeria currently generates 5000 mega watts of electricity, and you'll read that 5000 megawatts of electricity is too low for 170 million people. The only problem with that statistic is that it doesn't tell you jack shit. If you don't live in Nigeria, you're reading that and thinking, "poor, poor Nigerian people. We must give money to the African children. They shouldn't have to suffer so."

The stress vein on my forehead is a second away from bursting. I must take a minute to calm down. Jesus take the wheel.

What you do not understand is that 5,000 mega watts means that some of us do not see or smell power for months and months. Some of us even go to the cinema for air conditioning. Those of us that aren't desolate have generators. You may be thinking that generators are the toys of the rich but you lot know nothing. Any poor man worth his stuff has a tiny locomotive he can rely on. This my friends is the Nigerian truth. Generators are mini gods. They make millionaires and wreck businesses. If a company like Cummins sells you a dud you are buggered. I don't just mean wham bam thank you man buggered, I mean, you are monumentally, fantastically, and epically screwed, because once you call them for maintenance, you'll never stop calling them for maintenance. They're like pringles, ever popping, never stopping.

And now for the introduction.

Well, my name is Afam, and I have sponsors. It's one of the perks of being me. What am I saying? It's a privilege that I cannot thank God enough for. It would have been tragic if I were to have been someone else. That's not to say that I'm perfect. I'm so far from perfection that I despair sometimes, but this is natural. I do my best now to be better tomorrow. Sometimes, my best now isn't very good at all, but it's something, and something, as we all know, is better than nothing.

Me in Whispering Palms. It's an amazing resort that faces the Lagos lagoon.

The other day, one of my sponsors, Whispering Palms (the best holiday spot in all of Nigeria) informed me of their vile treatment and the hand of Cummins, the generator people. At first I couldn't believe it, because Cummins has a brilliant reputation, or they have a brilliant reputation outside Nigeria. These two things don't have to go hand in hand. It is likely that the Nigerian arm leverages on the good name of the company and then goes to town on destroying it. To confirm my suspicions I went to google. Yes, I entered google and I found that Cummins Inc's second quarter earnings were up 7.7% but that this increase in earnings from the previous quarter was almost purely as a result of a strong performance in North America. The engine maker's overseas businesses aren't doing very well in comparison and I'm not surprised, they treated my sponsors like they were the red headed step child of life. They treated my sponsors so appallingly that I am weeping as I type this. I am bald with grief. But enough about me, let's talk about what the bad bad company did.

Whispering Palms was looking for a new generator because generators aren't permanent things, they crumble and die. Well, Whispering palms is still looking for a new generator because Cummins buggered them and if they're not looking for a new generator then they're looking for generator parts which is abysmal when you consider that the 350 kva generator they bought is barely three months old! A 350 kva generator goes for about $50,000. That would pay for me to go to college for a masters easily. One year's tuition, can you believe it? I've got ahead of myself, let's backtrack.

Whispering Palms was looking for a new generator so they called Cummins in for a consultation. You know what I mean right? They called them in for a check out what I've got and tell me what I need session. It's what you do when you go to the doctor.

Enter Hypothetical you and Doctor, Doctor.

You: Doctor I've got a fever, an itch and a stitch

Doctor: That sounds like quite the pinch

You: You haven't the slightest!
I've been itching and scratching
and wailing and sighing
I think I might be dying.

Doctor: Ah! I know what's troubling you
All you need is this nasty brew.
A sip of this and a draught of that
You'll be right as rain by morning's dew

Except that you aren't. #awkward

This is exactly what happened in the case of Whispering palms and Cummins. Cummins recommended that Whispering Palms purchase a generator that was unsuited to their climate (fairly humid, with lots of salt in the air), so it isn't surprising that they've had to change the generator's exciter 3 times despite it being brand new. The only thing is that it's been Whispering Palms paying for the repairs. I cannot understand this? It's like paying for punishment. This isn't a re-enaction of 50 Shades of Grey, it's extortion. If you recommend a naff product, the least you can do is replace it with one that isn't threatening to drive the business into the ground. The professor that owns it is 82 this year for Christ's sake! Are you trying to kill him? Jesus!

Happy Days,
Afam