Polyamory is really much ado about absolutely nothing. Back in the day, my mum, Mama Afam would sit me down and say, "Afam! Let me tell you! There's absolutely nothing new under the sun! Human beings have been freaky since the time of Sodom and Gomorrah." She was right. Polyamory is old fashioned freakiness with a millennial name. 

For those of you who don't know what it actually means, it's what happens when people have more than one partner and everyone is cool with it. This means that A can date B and C and D while B dates E and F and G. And that all 7 of them know about each other, and are fine with whatever's going on. 

Normally the legs of my content don't stretch this far. I wouldn't have had any cause to think about polyamory today if Jidenna, a popular musician, who's also part Nigerian hadn't mentioned it. 

He tweeted the following.

"I believe in monogamy. I believe in polyamory. I believe in marriage. I believe in non-traditional union. There are agreements & compromises to be made in every relationship. Most of all, I believe in Love & Honesty as the foundation. I’m looking for wifey..."

I have many thoughts. The first is, STOP LYING. You can only realistically believe in all these things apart if you have several people living in your body. The moment you say you're looking for wifey, you've cast your lot with monogamy.

Monogamy isn't actually as inflexible as it sounds. It simply means that in the event that someone dies and someone asks, "Who is the husband/ Who is the wife/ Who is the boyfriend/ Who is the girlfriend" only one person stands up.

I suppose my main problem with polyamory is that people are generally terrible at talking about love, sex and everything else in between. If honesty is difficult enough when there are two, then it will be impossible with 4. Someone is going to be unhappy in this confection of modernity, and when it unravels it won't be a shouting match it'll be a battle royale between however many people are engaging in your love cult at any given time. 

And then, what do you do if the minor bae is trying to take your place as the main bae? Who gets the largest share of the property if someone dies without a will? How do you coordinate everything? Do you have a group chat for all the people in your relationship? When you fight does everyone join in? Do people take sides? What do you do if the circle keeps expanding and at the end you've entered into a polyamorous relationship with your sibling?

 All of these questions are incredibly stressful. It's things like this that make me feel rather conservative. I would rather you cheated on me with full confidence than tried to talk me into anything quite so modern as polyamory. I will be thirty soon. You should save that stuff for my children. 

I think I have hyperventilated myself to a conclusion. 

If polyamory works for you then that's fantastic. For me, it'll be a really quick way to a nervous breakdown. Breaking up with one person is a near fatal event, doing it with three is tying yourself to your own funeral pyre and flinging your ashes into a volcano. 

ps...

I reviewed the lyrics of Bambi and if the song is to be believed his grandfather had 7 wives and he refers to his love life as a spiderweb. So I suppose that explains everything. 

Summer is here. Yes, I know you all know this, and I know that I am guilty of stating the obvious, but there was no better way to begin the lesson of the day. It's a good day, it 's one of those days where your mood is matched perfectly by the weather. I call this phenomenon, "universal synergy', for you know that on days like today, you're free from both universal and intergalactic buggery. Since I am in a particularly good mood, I decided that now would be the perfect time to impose my summer CHUNES on you.

You're probably thinking, "What the hell is a summer chune?" but never fear Afam's here to provide you with a respectable answer. A summer chune is a tune so infinitely delightful that it defies the rules of spelling and all good sense. It's capabilities of filling one with felicity and gaiety are both uncharted and unchartable. Lastly whenever the tune comes on, you have this irresistible compulsion to yell CHUNE!!! At the top of your lungs. Without further ado, I give to you, my chunes of the summer.

Anna Sun by Walk the Moon.
It makes me happy. It's really easy to relate to. "We've got no money but we've got heart, we're going to rattle this ghost town" and it's the perfect mix of nostalgia and fun.
Call Me Maybe by Carlie Ray Jepson
It doesn't matter whether you like the  song or not, the fact remains that this is the the catchiest tune of the year so far. One listen of this is enough to scar you for life. It stays in your head for days on end and the moment you get round to forgetting it, someone comes round to remind you of it.
Tongue Tied by Group Love
"Take me to your best friend's house, I loved you then and I love you now". This song is the song you love but can never seem to remember. 

Diplomat's son by Vampire Weekend
It's so chilled. People have speculated about the meaning of the song, but I Afam declare that it's a song about the stupid things that tend to happen when you're young. Crashing on a mate's bed while stoned out of your mind is one of them. Because of the lyrical content it is and will always be one of the sound tracks of the summer. I have loads more to say about it, but I'll stick it in a different post. Stay tuned. In all honesty I think the entire album, "Contra" should be featured in any summer play list.

 Reptilia by The Strokes
This shows the power of a good bridge. Enough said.


Every Teardrop is a Waterfall by Coldplay
This is a coldplay on excellent form. It's not for us to wonder how they manage to change their sound with every album. We're only meant to enjoy the sweet sweet results of their talent and creativity. If not for Walk the Moon's Anna Sun, this would be the soundtrack of my summer. Yes, I love it that much.
What Makes you beautiful by One Direction
These fluorescent adolescents have won me over completely. If you ever need a karaoke moment in your car, then this is it.

These songs will form an integral part of the car jacked playlist that I make every summer. So dear readers, I present to you the backbone of Car Jacked 2012.

Happy, Sunny Days,
Afam.