The day I came to call her friend was a very sad one. We met in the days when I was out hunting like any young beast is bound to do. When I spotted her in a politics of globalization lecture, I knew that I would do my utmost to stalk this peahen and win her to my harem. At the time my harem was very empty but every harem needs a leader. I planned to seduce her with some witty banter at the end of the lecture but I didn’t get the chance. While I was making my way over to her my predatory gaze spooked her and like a frightened gazelle she fled from me. That would have been that if the universe had not had other plans.
We met again the following night. It was a welcome surprise. I was at Aran’s (my ex house mate) house for supper when the bell rang. I wasn’t surprised when I pulled open the door and saw her standing there a little bewildered. At that moment I was thinking TAKE THAT UNIVERSE!! AFAM 1 UNIVERSE NIL!! So it may come as no surprise that I stood at the door in shock for a very awkward 30 seconds before I let her in. Once I’d let her in you would think that I would have charmed the pants of her in an hour but on the contrary I proceeded to crash and burn more times than I thought possible. The memory still pains me. She made it clear that she was out of my league. I would a decade of experience before I could find a chat up line that she didn’t have a sarcastic comeback to. The problem with chat up lines is that if the bird doesn’t find it funny then you’re screwed. The odds will probably never be in your favor. I persisted and before long I had broken down her all her barriers. I was about to help myself to her when it dawned on me that I had perhaps broken down too many of these barriers because I was now firmly entrenched in the friend zone. The friend zone is a very unforgiving place. It is the equivalent of a concentration camp of the heart, you do shit loads of work only to receive torture and angst (While in this place the universe rams his cock up your arse repeatedly). Just the thought of it makes me cringe. After a night of secret sharing and several massages I was sure that in spite of my best efforts I had made a friend. I wasn’t too happy about this.
On to the adventure... She turned up at my door at 10:30 in her lounge clothes. For some reason unknown to me she prefers to dress up in front of me (I think of it as a series of challenges set up by the universe to test my mettle). The following conversation followed.
Afam: Where are we going?
Peafowl: Let’s go to the eagle. The DJ is really good and I could do with a dance.
(My ears perk up at this news. I pretend not to watch her put her dress on.)
Peafowl: Zip me?
Afam: Yeah sure!
Peafowl: What do you think?
Afam: Distinctly average, you could at least put some effort in. (I was joking)
Afam: How do I look?
Peafowl: You’re such a fop!
I pretend to be hurt by this, but if the Count of Montecristo was a self proclaimed fop then it must be a compliment.
Shortly after this exchange we set out for the great outdoors. I’ve come to a critical juncture. I’m not sure if the rest of the night is interesting enough to warrant detailed prose. The night is your standard student night out, cheap and cheerful the real adventure happens on the way back. After a dance off in poptastic we head back to my place. On the way back she informs me that I’ve been promoted to the position of best friend. She goes on to drum it in by declaring that she finds me as attractive as a velvet Elvis (not very). Then we’re back in my room, I’m lying on my bed and she’s slurring. I can’t be bothered to listen to what she’s saying. I imagine that she was overwhelmed by the sight of me half asleep (It’s a very impressive sight) because nothing else can explain the next 5 minutes. She jumped on me, stared deep into my eyes (I assume that this is when my piercing gaze dissolved her brain) and ate my face. That’s the only way to describe it. It was a like having your face wiped with a towel that reeked of minibar. After some rather violent PG activity she passed out on my chest...
AFAM 1 UNIVERSE NIL!!! Banter for years!
Happy Days
Afam!!
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