The X Factor 2012

Courtesy of the Daily Mail

My typical Saturday night is an ITV special. It starts with Take Me Out at 7pm and concludes with the X factor.

The X factor has been on air for 8 years and has produced stars such as One Direction, Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke, JLS, Cher Lloyd and Jedward.

This year the Characters on the show are:

James Arthur:
He is a talented, indie guitarist that specializes in looking constipated while he sings. Nothing else can explain the looks of heart wrenching pain he bestows on his audience. I'm often compelled to scream at the television, " Take it easy buddings, I too have had to force out shits larger than my head. I feel your pain."


Lucy Spraggan:
She's a lesbian singer song writer in the style of Kate Nash. I don't have that much to say about her because she hasn't filled our ears with sob stories. She may or may not be a recovering alcoholic.

Union J:
It's made up of four louts who I will not name because they are poor caricatures of One Direction. They also tend to pull the most ridiculous faces while they sing. It's quite excruciating really.


Ella Henderson:
She's almost certainly going to win this year's competition. In fact it's hardly a competition because she's miles more talented than the rest of the bunch. She's got a voice that makes Leona Lewis' seem squeaky.


Jahmene Douglas:
He's the self processed son of a gangster and he hails from the hood. No, I don't quite know what the hood is but this is practically what he said the other week. Upon hearing him sing it's unlikely that you'll ever come to that conclusion. He says that he hasn't fallen in love with a girl yet and I'm not surprised. He's got quite possibly the most annoying giggle in the world. It sounds like the cross between a chicken and a cat.

Kye Sones:
Last week his rendition of Don't you worry child put me to sleep in a minute flat. As an insomniac this is quite the feat. That performance landed him in the bottom 2. I forgot to mention that he's a Chimney sweep. When I heard that I asked myself a very silly question, "Are there still Chimneys in England?" That's an industry that's unlikely to see any growth in the near or far future so it's a good thing that Kye found the X factor.

Chris Maloney: 
The Public's choice. The man has the tear ducts of a teenage girl! I did not think it possible for a grown man to shed such unreasonable tears. It's quite appalling. He belongs on a cruise ship that I Afam will never get on. He's also quite possibly the least marketable of the lot. Why would I want to buy the record of a crying man? It's not very charming is it?

District 3:
Their harmonies often go flat and sharp simultaneously. That is a rather impressive endeavour. They are frequently called the best harmonizers in the competition. Yes, that's how bad everyone else is. What they lack in talent, they make up for in athleticism and energy. They did a back flip in the last live show. It was quite possibly the most entertaining second of the competition so far.

Jade Ellis:
This Lesbian mother of one hails from a council estate somewhere. She wants to provide a good life for her daughter. This is admirable. I fail to see why she shaved one half of her head. She would be so much prettier if she had a full head of hair.


Rylan Clark:
Words cannot describe this fellow. He can't sing, and he can't dance but he's wildly entertaining. He is wildly entertaining the same way a farting pig is entertaining but at the end of the day I'm never going to pay to see a pig fart am I? I might drop a penny in his hat if he ever performed on the London Underground but that would probably be to get him to stop passing crushed glass through my ears.

Gary Barlow:
He is not a contestant but the man is hopelessly dull. Every time I look upon his foul countenance I feel the life being sucked out of me. He makes me feel like I'm 70 and on the verge of death. He is the last thing that television needs. I can also confirm he and Mama Afam use the same perfume (Neroli Portofino by Tom Ford). When I informed Mama Afam of this she very nearly destroyed the bottle.

This frightful combination of characters has ensured that for the first time in a long time, Strictly Come Dancing is more popular than the Xfactor.

Happy Days,
Afam