Beyonce and Afam: Leave me alone woman, I want to be free!

We're already four months into the year but recent developments have forced me to make a new new year's resolution. I must not become a Beyonce stan. The odds are against me but I, Afam am nothing if not a fighter. I will outlast the woman. I will be like a big ass rock in the rapids. The waters of Beyonce will break on my head but I will remain unweathered.

I have already resigned myself to the fact that we shall not go a day this year without talking about her. Everyday she's on my facebook timeline. Everyday she's on my twitter live feed. As I type this that song that she debuted yesterday (Grown Woman) is stuck in my head because like it or not I really like to hear that she can be bad if she wants and that she can go slow all night long. Don't blame me. It isn't my fault. I'm only a man.

And after this:

 and this:

 and this:

and this:

I can hardly be blamed for keeping a very special eye out for her. I cannot tell you the number of times this year I've thought something along the lines of, "Jay-Z, you lucky bugger you."

Do you understand my plight? If you don't then you are even more addled than me, madman Afam. Over the year, I have had the following thoughts and questions about her. I will share them with you because sharing is always caring except when referring to STDs. Wear a condom.

Is Blue Ivy an Alien or is she just incredibly healthy? (She's a little bit large for her age.)

Is Beyonce actually Solange's mother? (I didn't make this one up.)

Why are her guns so big, and why is it that when she dances she gets this murderous look on her face?

Is she part of the illuminati, or is it all just one big publicity stunt?

Has she set the feminist movement back 50 years by telling the beetches to bow down?

What is her hair made of? I know it's a weave but human hair just isn't that bouncy.

Why is she trying to make us think that she drank that pepsi? She didn't drink that pepsi. Anyone who doubts this is a dolt. 

So she did music for the Great Gatsby? Why did we only hear about this yesterday? It was a little bit clever because in the morning I saw the Pepsi advert, in the evening I watched the new Great Gatsby trailer and today I saw the behind the scenes video of the Pepsi advert. Does that mean she occupied a whole day of my life?




 

How do all those costumes still fit her? Is she a wizard?

Is she a satanist? No, really, I saw some damn crazy video that had all sorts of demonic connotations and stuff.

Why has she been on the covers of so many magazines this year? I know she's an over achiever but 3 is just wicked. 

Is she a feminist or not? Because this is really important. I want to know!

So when is that first single coming out? 

Crazy in Love came out a decade ago!! I'm an old man!!

 Happy Days,
Afam