Condy - Lights, Camera, Action: Gozzy and The Dorobucci cast

Hello. Hello. Hello. Life is extraordinary! My name is Condoriano Thatcher, and I'm jolly good friends with Afam. We met in the summer of 2012 and I knew then that we were destined to be friends forever and ever. We're fellow Unicorn bros and we're going to dance on rainbows when everything's said and done. Sing it with me!

"Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows.

Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows."

For my first post, I decided to do something kind of ooh, kind of ah, kind of bloody incredible. Enough with the preamble, I'm going to take it away! With any luck I'll be like Afam before he got consumed by the fake deep. He used to be all, "the sun was shining inside, and I was frolicking like a little lamb in a meadow of awesomeness."

Now he's all, "Life is hard yo! I need my therapist." I may be exaggerating slightly but it's all good in the Afam Condoriano hood. Lights. Camera. Blogtion.

I'm in a dimly lit studio, surrounded by plastered but unpainted walls. I'm holding a casting call for my short film (I am an artist, a wizard of visionary, an adult prodigy of the cinematic arts). She walks in wearing a long sleeved jacket sweater thing from I am Isigo (a Nigerian fashion label that is more alternative than not) with an unlit cigarette between her lips. I am intrigued.

Mystery woman: light it darling!

She speaks with an affected drawl. It's part English, part a drunk man's attempt at a French accent and definitely Ibo. I pause for a bit. I need to see her for who she is, and not the package she's presenting, because she's giving me Cruella De Ville from Anambra vibes.

Mystery Woman: Hurry dahling! I haven't got all day.

I oblige with a flourish. You must always light a lady's cigarette with a flourish. If you do not light it with a flourish then you might as well be a fireplace.

Mystery Woman: Thanks dahling! Call me Gozzy.

Me: I'm Condoriano Thatcher. Are you ready to start.

Gozzy: Start what darling?

Me: The reading.

Gozzy: What makes you think that I'll be reading anything dahling? There are far more important things to discuss darling.

Me: Far more important things like what?

Gozzy: Like the Dorobucci video dahling. Don't be foolish darling.

She flicks her cigarette ash on the table and looks slightly disgusted.

Gozzy: I can't believe that you didn't give me an ashtray, but it's alright. The table will have to do.

Me: Wait, I'll go get you one.

Gozzy: That won't be necessary darling. That's all this table is good for.

I'm a little insulted. I quite like my quaint plywood, wobbly table. It has character, and attitude. Attitude is good, but this show queen in a woman's body isn't really doing it for me. 

Gozzy: Where were we dahling. I haven't got all day. Yes I remember now. I was about to start telling      you about the Dorobucci video.

Me: But didn't it come out weeks and weeks ago?

Gozzy: Don't interrupt me, it's rude.

She's getting agitated now. She's come with a doro mission. There will be blood on the floor when she's done. I've seen the video. It's horrible. I mean the song was daft, but I liked it because I thought it had a sense of humour you know? I thought the video would be a spoof of something, or comical in some way, but it wasn't. It was just bad. The only good thing about it is that it's the first time that Tiwa Savage has been fully clothed this year, and that's always a good thing. 

Gozzy: I shall begin.

At this point still had hope for the enterprise, even though the font is tragic. Yes, the font - tres gauche

He calls himself the Don Dorobucci, and I believe him. Only a Don Dorobucci would wear shades during a business meeting indoors. Or maybe he had conjunctivitis on the day. Either way, the entire meeting section is so nouveau riche that you immediately know that he was the worst off in whatever deal was made. But I do have to say that new money is better than no money dahling. If he was giving me that briefcase, my tune would be different.

The only thing I can say about this one is, why the dororeekado was he wearing a Kaleidoscope shirt darling? Every time the shirt changed colour I had a seizure. I'm far more interested in the dancer on his right. We could open a brothel together. She'd be the talent, and I'd be her madam. And please, a more believable car next time dahling. That was the first time Reekado child had stood so close to a Bentley, it should have been a Kia.

Tiwa actually looks good here dahling. She should marry the stylists that helped her dahling. Maybe now, my eyes won't implode everytime I see her on youtube. Now she only needs to stop rubbing herself so much, if she did it any more one would think she has ebola dahling.

This is a woman that I never want to see again darling. She shook her bum bum at me! How rude! How vulgar! I was traumatised. I think I might have post traumatic stress disorder.

Me: Yeah, that and fag ash breath. Don't you think you're being a little too harsh?

Gozzy: Shut up dahling. I told you not to interrupt me, you criminal.

 I was so happy for Dr. Sid here. I actually smiled. Can you imagine it dahling? Me, smiling? It was incredible dahling!

Me: Why were you smiling?

Gozzy: Because this is the most action the good fake doctor has gotten all year.

Me: Gozzy I think he's engaged!

Gozzy: Really? he's probably still a virgin then. I am always right dahling. I know it. I live in his attic.

Me: Stop lying Gozzy!

Gozzy: Did you say something, you imbecile you. It's good that you're cute, if you weren't I would have used you as my cat's litter basket dahling.

Me: But Gozzy, that isn't Dr. Sid!

Gozzy: Oh it's not?

Me: No.

Gozzy: Well whoever it is, is definitely a virgin.

Ah the good doctor looks good. I have no complaints about the sexy man. Yes, he's my landlord. I live in his attic, and this doctor is so far from virginity that he borders on being a man of the night.

Me: Gozzy, he's engaged!

Gozzy: If he's engaged, I'm sane. Stop playing games with me Condy dahling. I know what I'm talking about.

I just want to take this one home and ravage him. Then I'll put him in my brothel, and I'll be his pimp.  I'll change his name to Cougar bait, dahling. His Hausa sounding whine is just so sexy dahling. I'm quite sure that he's into BDSM. All he needs is a she beast to dominate him.

Me: Erm Gozzy. Isn't this a little bit inappropriate.

Gozzy: Enough, dahling. I know what I am talking about. Just the sight of him makes me want to purr. Yes, purr dahling. Miaow. There is only one thing about him I would change and that is his wardrobe dahling. He looks like a clown, albeit a sexy clown.

When I saw this one Condy, I was a little scared. She's a predator dahling. We must protect the sexy clown from her. I felt like she was about to eat me. Eat me Condy! All of that womanly hatred aside, I'm quite glad that she's a Northerner. We need more Northern musicians in the Nigerian pop genre. There are far too many Yoruba people in it, dahling.

Me: I'm getting tired of this Gozzy. You're too negative. You're messing with my chakra.

Gozzy: Stop it dahling. Your chakra is as black as mine. I throw the shade and you drink the tea. That's how it works honey sweetie cutie pie.

You can tell that all the confetti came from his nostrils dahling. They're just so big and dashing. I imagine that that's where he keeps his infamous goody bags dahling. Such a fine specimen of man. Also, all the women here are welcome to join my new entertainment establishment.

Me: You mean your brothel?

Gozzy: Don't be silly Condy, I could never be a madam. I am simply a provider of luxurious entertainment.

Me: Right.

Gozzy: Would you like to join it Condy baby? I know a woman or two that would use you well.

Me: Err no thanks.

Gozzy: Or you could be mine and mine alone Condy. It will be delicious dahling.

Me: Thanks but no thanks. Have you got anything else to say about the video?

Gozzy: Only that the next time the Mavin crew has money to burn, they should burn it on me. The Iamisigo resort collection is coming out soon. I need to be ready. I'll see you later Condy, I've got to go shopping.

And with that she walks out the door and hopefully out of my life. 

And Cut!
C.T (Condoriano Thatcher)
Call me Condy!