Why is Jimi Agbaje trying to ruin my life?

Oh Afamzers, I haven’t stirred you to action for far too long, but now, I believe I’ve found a cause worthy of your devotion. I’m going to tell you what it’s about shortly, but I can’t get into it right away. I, Afam, the arcane, the mysterious, and the eccentric, have discovered that there’s a politician that’s plotting against me while I go about my very Afam activities. I know you don’t really know what I’ve been up to because I’ve been treating the good dear old blog like it’s my red headed step child, but believe me when I say that I haven’t just been sitting at home eating and getting fat. I’ve been working for Star Gist, an African entertainment show on Africa Magic. It’s really more glamorous than it sounds but I like it. I’ve spoken to Toke Makinwa on the phone twice, I’ve stared holes into Beverly Naya, and I got to see school children treat Korede Bello, Ricardo Banks, and Di’ja like I’d treat the boys of Vampire Weekend. If you don’t know who they are, give them a goggle. It’ll be good for you.  

That’s enough about me. Now, I’m going on to the caffeine in the espresso, the cockroach in my cupboard, the mosquito welt on my skin, and the pimple on my forehead - I have two :(. If you know of a natural pimple cure drop me a tweet or something. My face believes that our relationship is democratic. It thinks it can revolt against me whenever it wants and this obviously isn’t the case. By the time I start exfoliating with sand paper, it will learn respect. How can I be a fine boy no pimples if all I’ve got are pimples? 

There’s this politician in Lagos called Jimi Agbaje. He’s got a good name hasn’t he. There’s no one in all the world that can’t pronounce Jimi. It’s one of those international Nigerian names. Jimi’s a fairly good-looking man, which helps in politics, because people generally prefer watching physically gifted people on television. He isn’t so good-looking that you’d mistake him for a sex addict, but he’s good-looking enough that you’d give him a second look. He’s well spoken and this helps too because you can’t claim to have gone to school and be sounding like Dame Patience Jonathan. I’m of the opinion that she should only speak her local language and be provided with an interpreter. Jimi’s plans for Lagos are mostly good, but there’s one tiny problem that isn’t a tiny problem at all. Just the other day he said in a speech that if he was elected he’d ruin my life. 

He said, “I am here to show solidarity with you on the issue of the toll plaza for which you are marching today and assure you that when we get into office, these toll gates will come down; I will demolish all of them.” The moment I read that, I thought, “No!” All of this is fairly vague so I’ll explain. 

The toll gate he was referring to is the Lekki/Epe express toll. The toll maintains the road - which is still one of the best roads in Lagos, emergency services - if your car breaks down, they’ll tow it. And if you have an accident, the ambulance will take you to the hospital, or the morgue. The morgue is important too, because there should be honour in death. It won’t do for your mangled corpse to rot on the roadside, street lights - they do wonders for your peace of mind. When they’re on you see the pedestrians crossing the road and you can prevent yourself from becoming an accidental murderer, and they prevent people from reaching the Lekki Phase 1 roundabout too quickly. I don’t need to explain the last part do I? The traffic that the bottle neck causes will murder me daily. I’ll be depressed. I’m not joking. 

Also, if there is no toll, then who will maintain the road? I enjoy my pothole free life thank you very much, and I’m not about to vote for someone who’s promising to remove the tollgate without telling anyone what he’ll do to keep the road and all it’s perks as spanky as they are. Even though the man seems hell bent on halving my standard of living, I’m not running into the arms of Ambode (his competition) just yet because that would be slutty, and it’s a new year. The spirit of sluttishness doesn’t blow until August. 

And that’s that I’m afraid. 

Happy Days, 

Afam