Oh my days Afamzers! I have truly carried last. It seems that while I was going about my very Afam activities the King of Lagos (who's a Yoruba man), said that all Ibos who do not vote for the candidate of his choice (A particularly uncharismatic fellow called Ambode) should go perish in the Lagoon. Before we get down to the errant tribalism, let's talk about the fate he's declared for the Ibos.
I don't know if I've said this before, but I'm sort of kind of Ibo. I'm sort of kind of a lot of things. As a matter of fact, my great great grandfather was a a third of a set of Ghanaian triplets. They were separated at birth for one reason or the other, so if on your travels you happen to discover any Ghanaian who has an Afamness about him or her, please point the human my way.
Because I am Ibo, I take this personally.
And so we shall continue from where we left off in paragraph one. The Oba of Lagos (King of Lagos) wants people to perish in the Lagoon. Do you know how horrible this is? You don't do you? Apart from the fact that drowning is an abysmal way to die, it is even worse to do it in the Lagos lagoon. The thing is essentially the Lagos Sewer! At this point there are probably more bits of shit in it than fish! And by shit I mean human faeces. As if that were not bad enough, there are probably more bits of plastic in it than there in the rest of Lagos! So the man isn't only demanding that the Ibos who aren't of an Ambode persuasion perish he's demanding that we perish in the geographic equivalent of a well used toilet!
I'm sorry Mr King Oba of Lagos, but I Afam, the brilliant, the glib and the awkward, am far too good looking to perish in a geographical toilet. I may have considered it if he'd said the Atlantic Ocean, but the Lagos Lagoon?! No kind sir, that simply won't do.
By now I'm sure he's reconsidering undoubtedly silly request because not all Ibo people are walking bags of sand. What I mean by this is that we won't sink if you put us in the lagoon. Take me for instance.
I won't commit to life as an amphibious creature (because I'll be coming on land from time to time to do things like go to work, and stuff like that) without my props.
I'll need one red wig, some sea shells, a pair of long johns and a skirt.
Failing that, I'll need a glass of whatever it is the Oba's been drinking because it must be some really really good shit. As in Moulin Rouge absinthe good.
But... when I think about this clearly it'll probably be a little bit more difficult than not to perish in the lagoon because I'll dive in like so,
And swim across it like so.
With any luck I'll get to a part of it where the Oba realises that what he said is actually probably the most ridiculous thing he's ever said. (I'd like to think so. It's really hard to do worse than he's already done, but once you start being hateful and stuff, the rest is a slippery slope.)
Failing that, I'll do this
Yes! I'll sail to an alternate reality where the Oba throws away his title because he realises that nobody gives a Charmander about whether or not Lagos has an Oba.
Happy Days,
Afam
