Channels (Sunrise Daily) is that a set or a sex clinic, because I really can't tell!

I wrote this one a little while ago but I can't find the notebook that I wrote it in and that's a shame. Yes, my system is inefficient but sometimes all you need to get the words flowing is the sound of your pen's nib scratching paper. Because my name is Afam and I am nothing if not a mad rambling trooper kind of man, I won't let this minor setback set me back. I'm going to churn it out again. These words are important and Channels television needs them desperately.

In Nigeria, where I live, there's this television channel called Channels. I know, it's really rather clever to call your television channel Channels. It's like calling your snake snake, or your baby expensive vagina ruiner. As luck would have it, the television channel called Channels is really quite good. They've won the Nigeria Television Station of the year award 9 times. All of this is all very well but I'm really not here to sing their praises. There's someone in the world whose job it is to attach mouth to arse and snog, but it isn't mine, so let's get on with the show.

Channels has a show called Sunrise Daily. It's a news show where the presenters, Chamberlain Usoh, Sulaiman Aledeh and Maupe Ogun talk about the most news worthy topics affecting most Nigerians. Content wise it's probably a national treasure or it would be if their set wasn't so perfectly abysmal.

I mean look at it! Would you believe that somebody paid for it? I'd understand if it was a sarcastic statement about the news of the world - vulgar, tasteless, and unempathetic. But it isn't. Somebody actually thought, "this is exactly what we need! The viewers are still bleary eyed at seven so we'll make most of it red. You know? Wake them up a little. And they're going to be working themselves to death in a minute or two, so let's kill them with the grey and the steel. Life is pointless and depressing. It's best if we remind them of that every weekday morning at seven."

To be honest, we'd be lucky if that much thought went into it. As it is now it looks like the unfortunate cross between a cheap Baba Alawo's Temple (Medicine man's office) and a Korean Massage Parlour. The only things that I'm looking to hear from a set like that are:

• ten dollar sucky sucky?
• Your charm won't work without the head of a ten year old hen
• If you do not shit every morning, there's a good chance that you have cancer and or AIDS, and even if you don't have either of those, you're definitely dying; and
• The Aliens have come. Shoot yourself now or get eaten later. 

I do not joke when I say that it is the ugliest thing I have ever seen! It's straight out of my idea of hell - I get colonoscopies repeatedly in a room like that. The only question I have for the Sunrise Daily squad is, "do you know that you expect me to listen to you while you sit in an abortion of a set?"