Fun times in NYSC Camp really aren't fun at all

You know where I am at the moment don't you? If you don't then where the hell have you been? I've been going on about it for ages. I've said it so many times that I'm fairly sure that if I say it again I'll die. I'm in Okada, a little town/village in Edo State, doing compulsory paramilitary service.

Yes, I'm serving my country with humility and something. They give you these lines in a handbook. I obviously haven't read mine. As a rule, Nigeria and I don't get on. If Nigeria were a person I'd have shot it when I was 14 and again when I was 15, and a couple hundred times since. I can't be blamed really, the country's a little bit of a Jezebel, all it's done is take. It isn't even a happy taker. It's like a wife that collects a food allowance every month but doesn't actually buy any food and still complains that the reason for the lack of food is your lack of support. If I ever got married to someone like that, I'd lock her up in a mental institution or pull an Oscar Pistorious on her. So when my Jezebel of a country asked me to give it a year of my life so I can galivant in some secondary school in the middle of a forest teaching subjects that I no longer understand to students that deserve better, I wasn't pleased. On the bright side of things, it is my understanding that youth corpers (that's what we're called) don't pay taxes so you can bet that while I'm reading out the textbook in my pretty, gravelly tenor I'll be thinking about my side hustles (the things that I do that actually get me paid. Don't judge me. I need to move out of Papa Afam's house and times are hard).

Some of you may think ill of me, but my feelings are justified! What kind of country would send its citizens to a dump without any toilets? Is that not wickedness? I was shitting into paper bags and flinging them into the bush before I had the good sense to get some Imodium. Yes, I did that. Imodium is diarrhea's companion. It makes clenching unnecessary. Now, I can eat anything, anywhere, without worrying about it's colonal effects. I may have to get an enema in a bit but I think that's a reasonable price to pay for peace of mind.

Anyway, if you're going to be doing the nysc, youth corp, national advice thing, there are a few things you need to know to survive. Right now, you're thinking, "it's not that deep, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and three weeks in a shit hole certainly won't kill me." You stupid, stupid, stupid, naïve child. There are worse things than death like rashes, bad skin, and acute dermatitis. And the moron that said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger is the biggest nincompoop that's ever lived. He's only second to the dude that said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." That guy was a bloody liar and a twat. And if you're a parent that says that to your child, you should be shot. 

Lesson 1:

Camp is a magical and fantastical land where all residents live embarrassment and principle free. Everything and anything is permissible as long as it doesn't involve hurting another human being physically. You're meant to be a unicorn with the tongue of a bastard. The things that these people will say about their mates will shock you. Gossip girl couldn't live here. You doubt me?

Well that guy's drawn a swastika on the back of his cap and it's fine. Nobody gave a damn. 

Lesson 2

You're not a bad guy and you're not a bad bitch. I was in a bar here the other day when two lads decided to get into a spat over one damn fine twerking sister. The first fight move was the breaking of the beer bottles. They will kill you before you come with your punches. 

Lesson 3

Cultism is real. When these baggers get home there's going to be a brawl between the eternal dragons and the raging thunderbolts just because one dude kicked another dude's bucket of water.

Lesson 4

There's a competition here called miss big, bold and beautiful, do not let them put you in it. It is insulting, politically incorrect and demeaning. They won't celebrate your ample bossoms, and your child ready hips. They'll mock you like you're a pig in a dress. No one will rise to your defense. Some guy in the back will crack a joke about how big you are and the judges, and the youth corp officials will laugh at you. 

Lesson 5

There are a number of beauty paegents here, as a woman, you must avoid them. You'll be reduced to your face your tits and your ass. I'm not fucking with you. In some places it's okay to say this is demeaning, here your natural position is squarely under foot of any and every man. If you are raped, it will be your fault. It will be about the tightness of your white shorts or the transparency of your shirt. 

Lesson 5

Don't take shit from anybody. There are men here who will say that you can't talk to them the way they deserve because hey are men and you are a woman. Tell them to go fuck themselves and after you do that take care of yourself.

Happy Days,

Afam

I wrote this one when I was in Camp in 2013. I didn't publish it because I sounded bitter as hell, but as I know many of you are going through the same thing at the minute, I decided to make my grumpy thoughts available.