For those of you who are new, Ogilvy is my dearest friend from school. He is so dear to me that I would gladly throw out the word friend and call him brother. It would take aeons to list his merits but only a second to list his one demerit. Ogilvy is ridiculously unlucky in love. He often writes to me in times of need, seeking my counsel on the matters of his heart.

He first wrote to me in two summers ago complaining about a summer fling that was more summer than fling. That is to say that no flinging of any sort occurred during his summer.
http://theramblingsofamadman-afam.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/notes-on-summer-fings-lessons-from.html

He wrote me again last summer and asked for my tuition on the preparation of dodo (fried plantain) for the champion of his heart at the time.
http://theramblingsofamadman-afam.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/notes-on-summer-flings-importance-of.html

Then he emailed me in Winter and asked me to help him revive the waning affections of Coks, the Rosalie of my primary school years after he took her to see Brave. Yes, Brave, the pixar animated movie about a 16 year old girl.
http://theramblingsofamadman-afam.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/notes-on-winter-love-lessons-from-brave.html

And he emailed me in February, telling me of his dealings with unrequited love.
http://www.theramblingsofamadman-afam.com/2012/11/notes-on-winter-love-lessons-from-brave.html


Dear Ogilvy,

Hello. Hello. I know you said I shouldn't talk to you for a while, but there's a problem, I don't really know how long a while is. As a result of this, I've waited 8 months before I speaking to you again, lest I speak to you too soon. How the devil are you? I've missed you. It's a little gay of me, but it's true, I have. Fill me in on all that's happened since February or break up with me. I can't pine for a buddy who isn't there. Although it would be a shame if it was a ho that ended our time as bros.

Talk to me,
Afam

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FAm,
Ah Broseph! Thanks for getting in touch. It's been forever! I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. I really wanted to tell you how I was getting on, but my pride wouldn't let me. You had to be the one to come begging with your tail between your legs. You had to be at my mercy. I imagined that it would be a welcome change as you've always held the power in our relationship. I'm always the one coming to you for advice. It's never been the other way around.

Anyway, now that all that unpleasantness is behind us, I've got lots to tell.

Thanks for being the better man,
Gil

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Gil,

Then tell me about it. You know I live vicariously through you. It's a little sad, but it is what it is. We can't all be knightly romantic heroes, saving damsels from imagined distress and what not. I think I might be ready for the monastic life. I can't say why, but my heart doesn't beat like that anymore. Maybe your tales of enthusiastic failure will reawaken the dead pools of affection that lurk within?

Keen bean,
Fam

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Fam,

I'm sorry but I can't help you there. After I got slapped with that restraining order, I decided that a change in attitudes was in order. I came to the conclusion that being Ogilvy the lover was altogether unsuitable for my emotional and mental well being. I thought to try my hand at being Ogilvy the bad boy, the man whore, the slut.

By the way slut's a very nice word. There's something about the way it rolls off the tongue that's so exotic, and decadent. Let it roll off your tongue... S-L-U-T. It's infinitely better than all it's synonyms! I do not think I would mind if my christian name were Slut. I'm tired of being Ogilvy.

Slutty Gil.

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Slutty Gil,

Slut... I quite agree. It's a terrific word. There's something so irresistibly filthy about it. The question is, is it a better word than whore? There's something exceptionally special about whore. I just can't put my finger on it.

So how's being sexually loose and commitment free?

Judgy Fam.

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Judgy Fam,

I can't put my finger on it makes a pathetic argument. You're better than that. It's going surprisingly well actually. It's going so well that I can't quite believe my good fortune. It's no news that my foray into the world of women, has left me friendzoned, jilted and ignored more times than I care to mention, but all that changed when I made it clear that I was only interested in one thing.

Take today for instance. I had been on a sexual cleanse for about a month, and I decided that today was the day that I would end it. I made the necessary calls and invited her round at noon. I had a six hour window, and I wasn't going to waste it. I had such grand plans for our time together. But like most things looked forward to, I was sorely disappointed.

After telling me how ready she was to get the D, take the D, receive the D and be dominated by the D, when the time came to do all of those things, she was wailing like a banshee, complaining that she was too tight. What the hell did she mean by too tight? After giving me a whole notebook's worth of digital foreplay, she had the balls to complain? I didn't indulge her. I was on a mission. I said to her, "If you can't take it, then you should probably leave. Don't talk a big game if you can't deliver." She sulked all the way to her car, but I didn't care. I was already organising the next one. She came over thirty minutes after the one before her left. I didn't have time for semantics. I was so keen to break my fast that I may have neglected to warm her up properly if you know what I mean. When it was time for the thrusting, she was too dry so I sent her home too.

One of the things that a man must learn, is when to give up. I'll have to get rid of my blue balls before they become unbearable. I think today was an omen. I think I need to return to my monogamous ways, or my aspiring monogamous ways. God knows I never actually made it that far. Maybe things will be different this time.

#FeelingDepressed
Gil
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Depressed Gil,

I'm in halves about this. On the one hand I want to congratulate you on being so pimping. On the other, I want to clout you for being so damn callous. You shouldn't treat your women so poorly.

But I'm sure they're still calling you, trying to organise another session. I think you should keep your balls blue. They'll serve as some sort of self flagellation. I think that'll be penance enough. You need to give up these crazy ass bitches (C.A.Bs). And don't go defending them. Any girl that still talks to you after you did what you did is bonkers.

Stunned Afam
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Stunned Afam,

You have the right of it, but you have forgotten that I am nothing if not a Crazy Ass White Person (CAWP). Their crazy can't possibly surpass mine. All I have to do is go off my meds. But I'll keep those cards close to my chest. I will settle down soon I think. With any luck I won't lose my appeal the moment I clean up my act.

Gil.
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Gil

I don't think you will. You seem different. As long as you remember that you have value, you'll be fine. Remember that a man that who does nothing but seek out another for whatever reason, makes it clear that he has nothing to offer. After all, if he did, he would at the very least be fending off demands for that quality. Always leave them wanting more. Too much of you kills your chances every time.

Afam.

Here's the last conversation I had with Gil: http://theramblingsofamadman-afam.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/notes-on-summer-flings-importance-of.html

Dearest Fam,

Fam, I'll be straight with you. I have found myself in quite the quagmire. This matter is more important than all other matters I have ever brought before you. It is quite literally a matter of life and death. If I do not win her, I cannot think of it. Imagining a future without her would be just as intolerable as the very future of which I speak. If you do not intervene I shall lose her! I love her so. I am fairly confident that I shall never love another. Even if I were to love another, I would rip my heart from my breast because that would be a sin and as the good Saint Paul says, if it causes you to sin cut it off.

You'll help me won't you?

Yours,
Ogilvy

Dear Gil,
...
...
Gil, before I say anything I think it is necessary to remind you of all your so called life threatening situations.

Ruby, Tina, Juliet,  Ophelia, Desmonda, Mariam, Neferet, Ellie, Emma, Georgie, Yeti, Moonface, Whale, Lady, Won-won, Deidre, Frog, Sam and Lia. Do I need to remind of what all these girls had in common? You swore that you would love them from then until the end of all time.

Please assume some semblance of decorum and common decency. Pull yourself together and stop being such a drama queen.

By the way what happened to Lia? Did you not serve her the food of champions, dodo (fried plantain)?

Love,
Afam.

P.s don't take the good saint Paul too seriously. If you did you would be without, a Penis, eyes, and hands... I think you might be tongueless too.


Dear Fam,

Thanks for your speedy reply. I think you might be right about the good Saint Paul and I. I doubt that the amputation of all my sinful body parts would stop my lechery. I am a fallen man.

About Lia, I really did love her, but while I was preparing the food of champions: dodo, Coks text me. You know Coks don't you? She's the colour of a pawpaw and she's really leggy. I think you liked her when you were 11. She asked me if I'd like to see a movie and I was like totes. Of course that banished all thoughts of Lia from my mind. My mind was too busy calculating the possibilities...


I decided that we would see a nice chickish movie, Brave (The Disney one where the protagonist is a 16 year old girl). I thought that the movie would warm her towards me considerably. I know it seems like a safe choice but do you remember what happened when I took Frog to see Zombie Land? The WORST! I was so undone by the horribleness of the date that I walked into a street light on the way home.

Anyway, we saw the movie alone, together. It was fairly romantic if I do say so myself. During the movie, love descended upon me and I was, I mean I am completely besotted with her. After the movie we both went home and texted for the rest of the day. The very next day conversation was stunted. It was then that I began to fear that I would lose her. I was balls deep in the pits of despair when I emailed you. Help me before she goes off me completely. Please!

Love Gil


Dear Ogilvy,

Oh dear! I think you've lost her already.

Don't worry I know a local girl here who's dying to meet you. She'll sort you out it's ninety-nine and three quarters percent guaranteed.

Love Fam

Ps. I think I might provide you with a script just in case. Let's maximise all the possibilities of success!

Happy Days,
Afam.

Tonight, I spoke to one of my favourite people in the world, Bibi. I'm quite proud of Bibi as she was christened Hirst by the University of Edinburgh. This is no minor achievement. Bibi and I have quite the odd relationship. You see I first met Bibi when we were 16. My parents had been invited to a party and as parents tend to do they dragged my siblings and I along. On arrival at their house I was greeted by Bibi, one of the daughters of the hosts. I was in awe of her. She had the most regal face I had ever seen. I would post a picture of her here but I'm fairly certain that the moment I do this I will be gifted with an intercontinental smack. Such is the power of her influence.

At 16, the male mind is very simple. These were my thoughts exactly.

Afam:She's pretty.
Fam: She's short.
Afam: She's clever.
Fam:Ask her out?
Afam: What if she says no?
Fam: How could she say no to this?
Afam: We're the height of dweeb at the moment Fam. Braces and glasses... Not the best look.
Fam: Too true. We must wait for a sign from the universe.

The sign from the universe came 2 weeks later. I had gone to the cinema with a friend of mine, I like to call the BFG. The BFG is exactly that, a Big Friendly Giant. On our way out of the cinema we ran into Bibi. She greeted me with the BIGGEST HUG in the history of HUGS. I thought " SUCCESS". The BFG was also impressed. I asked her for her number and she was only too happy to give it to me. I thought that my teenage curse of obscurity had been lifted. I thought that I would no longer be the wall flower I had grown accustomed to being, that the universe had seen fit to throw me into the spotlight. I was so pleased. When I got home I couldn't shut up about it. I went to my mum, who at the time was the cool parent confidante most teenagers seem to want but never get to have.

Enter Mum
Afam: You won't believe who I ran into at the cinema.
Mum: Who?
Afam: Bibi.
Mum: (Her face brightens up) Oh? That's nice.
Afam: She gave me her number!!
Mum: I'm gad to see that you're making friends.
Afam: I plan to be doing a little more than that.
 Mum: She fixes me with a look of genuine amusement
Afam: You should have seen the hug she gave me. It was a shade more than friendly. I dare say I'm half way there already.
Mum: Yes you're certainly more than half way there.
Afam: I just knew that my time had finally come.
Mum: She's your cousin.

I would never live that down. But Bibi and I became fast friends and facebook spouses. We go on all sorts of adventures together. There was one time we walked into an art gallery and had the following conversation.

Afam: Honey, this painting is rather interesting.
Bibi: Why yes darling, i think it's simply amazing. I mean the depth...
Afam: Yes, what about the depth?
Bibi: Oh yes the depth...
Afam: ...
Bibi: I am overcome with emotion. (At this she dropped to the floor)
Afam: I think she needs a seat and a glass of water.

She was propped up and seated, by the sales woman present and myself.

Bibi: I really don't know what came over me. I was rather overcome!!
Afam: It's quite alright. I myself found my nethers stirring at the sight of it.
Bibi: It seems to a unique effect on everyone. I was moved to my very soul.
Afam: We simply must consider purchasing it.
Bibi: We must.
Afam: But where would we put it?
Bibi: The toilet.
Afam: That's a rather odd place for a painting.
Bibi: It's just that if anyone else is overcome as I was overcome, then I imagine that it would be best if there was a toilet nearby...

I was nearly dying with laughter at that point. Then she got up, readjusted her skirt and headed towards the exit. I apologised to the sales woman and followed her out. Once outside we were wracked with violent fits of laughter. When we were done, we straightened our vestments, put on our aviators, linked our arms together and walked off into the urban sunset. We were obviously the height of cool.

How we thought we looked.

Happy Days,
Afam.

Summer's here again and as you prepare to embark on trips, holidays and work experience you're well aware that society has one rule about summer time; that during the course of your summer you find an individual who you shall, tease, flirt with, date or shag for the duration of the summer alone. This relationship may be referred to as a summer fling, and the individual you choose to embark on such a venture with may be called your summer "p" or you may use the following lengthy description; guy or girl with whom I had a summer fling with. It is obvious that summer "p" is more appropriate.

A while ago I received an email from a friend complaining bitterly about his failed summer investment. He had chosen the wrong company to invest in over the holidays as a result when we lads were trading our stories of success, he was sharing his tales of woe and misfortune. It was a great misfortune indeed.

Please find below a copy of the email I received at the end of the summer last year.

Fam,

I was on the phone at 2am proclaiming my undying affection for Sam- my imaginary girlfriend. To be honest she wasn't that imaginary and the last time I checked being teased mercilessly for three months is a prerequisite for getting promoted to boyfriend status. Sam said that she didn't have any answer to that. She also apologized several times. I thanked her for smashing my heart into a thousand little pieces. I know this sounds really dramatic but truth be told I was only heartbroken for an hour. This is a massive improvement from my high school days, when I would descend into a trance like state for several months. In the context of this email the trance would be represented as several blank lines.



Four blank lines (You see, I am greatly improved.)
 
Unlike a certain *cough* Stephenie Meyer. Of course just by saying her name I've lost man points. Sam for all intents and purposes is a troll. She makes a blue whale seem tiny, only captain Ahab would find her attractive at this point. At least that's how my dreams portray her post 2am conversation.

Ogilvey

 I fired a quick reply. When a friend is in need, a reply 2 days later will not suffice. One must drop every darn thing and galvanize oneself to activity. 

Gil

I am very sorry to hear about your misfortunes and I sympathize with you about the state of your heart. I can only hope that the pieces are coming together as we speak. How did she manage to tease you for three months? Furthermore, I must question your taste, for you permitted yourself to be ensnared by such a beast. I fear that you haven't told me anything at all. You have my deepest sympathies in your hour of need. Feel free to call on me whenever and however.

Afam.


His reply didn't take long.

Fam,
 I was introduced to this beauty by a great friend of mine. You might have met her at my party last year, Liza. She told me that she knew the perfect girl for me and that she was on the verge of leaving her boyfriend. So I thought that it would be prudent of me to swoop in and catch her on the rebound. Liza agreed. I began wooing her ardently. We would go to movies and hold hands. We would text all day and then talk all night. I believed that I was falling in love. She was all I could think about. But there was a situation. While she and her bf continued to fight bitterly they hadn't called things off. I was called away to Malta by my internship. During my absence she and the boyfriend reforged the links of their relationship with titanium. Even worse was the fact that I wasn't informed of the reforging during my time away. I returned to a hefty phone bill (I may need your help paying that off old chap) and no girl. Is it not tragic?

Ogilvey.

Gil,
I'll try not to be too critical of you because you appear to be depressed and broken. There's no fun to be had kicking a dog while it's down. But be rest assured that when you do get back up I'll be the first to land a firm kick (this kick may be physical). You broke two cardinal rules here. The first was that you allowed yourself to be advised by Liza. She knows nothing! Straight girls don't know how to get girls. If they did they would be lesbians. We learned this together from L'auberge espagnole. Where Isabelle (a lesbian) played by Cecil De France, instructs Xavier played by Romain Duris on the art of seduction.

Left to right, Isabelle, and Xavier

The second crime is that you involved my bank account in your troubles. I know that it's bros before hos (whores) but money comes before them both. I find it immensely annoying that you gambled my money as well.
Having said all that, yes it is quite tragic. We can't travel through time. If we could I would make it that it was her who ended up hurt. We can only build on this. If you have promised to be the best god-damn friend she's ever had then you're going to have to break that promise. I'm not going to listen to you whine about being so close but yet so far. And I'm certainly not going to pick you up after every scheme you plant to break them up fails. You'll be severing all ties with the wench effective immediately and should she complain you'll be as mean as humanly possible. I know that you'll find this difficult, but remember that she wasted your time and my money(My money is obviously more important than yours).

Love you lots,
Afam.


Fam,
My deepest apologies. You know me too well, because I had promised to be her best friend, because we do banter well together and we have a lot in common. No worries though, I'll heed your advice. I'm sorry about the money bit.

Love you like always,
Gil.

That folks is how I roll. As you embark on your summer flings, I advise that you tread carefully. Of course I shall be here if the shit hits the fan.

Happy Days,
Afam.