Dearest Fam,
Fam, I'll be straight with you. I have found myself in quite the quagmire. This matter is more important than all other matters I have ever brought before you. It is quite literally a matter of life and death. If I do not win her, I cannot think of it. Imagining a future without her would be just as intolerable as the very future of which I speak. If you do not intervene I shall lose her! I love her so. I am fairly confident that I shall never love another. Even if I were to love another, I would rip my heart from my breast because that would be a sin and as the good Saint Paul says, if it causes you to sin cut it off.
You'll help me won't you?
Yours,
Ogilvy
Dear Gil,
...
...
Gil, before I say anything I think it is necessary to remind you of all your so called life threatening situations.
Ruby, Tina, Juliet, Ophelia, Desmonda, Mariam, Neferet, Ellie, Emma, Georgie, Yeti, Moonface, Whale, Lady, Won-won, Deidre, Frog, Sam and Lia. Do I need to remind of what all these girls had in common? You swore that you would love them from then until the end of all time.
Please assume some semblance of decorum and common decency. Pull yourself together and stop being such a drama queen.
By the way what happened to Lia? Did you not serve her the food of champions, dodo (fried plantain)?
Love,
Afam.
P.s don't take the good saint Paul too seriously. If you did you would be without, a Penis, eyes, and hands... I think you might be tongueless too.
Dear Fam,
Thanks for your speedy reply. I think you might be right about the good Saint Paul and I. I doubt that the amputation of all my sinful body parts would stop my lechery. I am a fallen man.
About Lia, I really did love her, but while I was preparing the food of champions: dodo, Coks text me. You know Coks don't you? She's the colour of a pawpaw and she's really leggy. I think you liked her when you were 11. She asked me if I'd like to see a movie and I was like totes. Of course that banished all thoughts of Lia from my mind. My mind was too busy calculating the possibilities...
I decided that we would see a nice chickish movie, Brave (The Disney one where the protagonist is a 16 year old girl). I thought that the movie would warm her towards me considerably. I know it seems like a safe choice but do you remember what happened when I took Frog to see Zombie Land? The WORST! I was so undone by the horribleness of the date that I walked into a street light on the way home.
Anyway, we saw the movie alone, together. It was fairly romantic if I do say so myself. During the movie, love descended upon me and I was, I mean I am completely besotted with her. After the movie we both went home and texted for the rest of the day. The very next day conversation was stunted. It was then that I began to fear that I would lose her. I was balls deep in the pits of despair when I emailed you. Help me before she goes off me completely. Please!
Love Gil
Dear Ogilvy,
Oh dear! I think you've lost her already.
Don't worry I know a local girl here who's dying to meet you. She'll sort you out it's ninety-nine and three quarters percent guaranteed.
Love Fam
Ps. I think I might provide you with a script just in case. Let's maximise all the possibilities of success!
Happy Days,
Afam.
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