There are some things that we grow so accustomed to that we fail to see what it is about them that is odd. I realise that the phrasing of that sentence is a little strange. It might be comfortable for you to read it as there are some things that we grow so accustomed to that we fail to see what is odd about them. I cannot tell you which of the sentences I prefer. They both feel like my children and I refuse to choose between them for while the first one isn't very good looking it has such character, and while the second is very pretty indeed, it is also mind numbingly dull.

@afam20 is it d original clip u dnt like, or d fact dt its been branded on so many tees, or there re lots of not so hilarious pics of it?
— Bobby Ezidi (@datsbobby) March 20, 2013

 It just occurred to me that many of you might wonder why I, Afam did not categorically comment on the video below.
Yes, it seems like the sort of thing I'd do doesn't it? Contribute my ascerbic wit and lofty manner to the very public skewering of Mr. Obafaiye Shem the Lagos State Commandant of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corp (NSCDC). If you thought I would then you don't know me very well. There's no fun to be had kicking a dog while its down. Furthermore, being the last straw that breaks the donkeys back is never in anyone's best interests, because all you're left with is a broken donkey. And you know what happens to broken donkeys don't you? We put them out of their misery. A single shot to the head. It's as good a way for any to go.

I was not at all surprised by Mr Shem's performance. You see, after spending the vast majority of my life in Nigeria, I am no longer surprised when I come across a Nigerian that isn't well spoken. It no longer tickles my nethers. It doesn't excite my innards and inspire eruptions of laughter. There was a time in the past when I would have thought it incredibly hilarious but I, Afam am physically incapable of laughing at the same joke for a decade. And when he speaks marginally less well than the president and infinitely better than the first lady, he is to be praised, not scolded or mocked.

Him not knowing what the NSCDC website is doesn't make him any better or worse at his job. The only thing that can be gleaned from this is that he was ill prepared. Lastly we must thank the Channels team for being the height of propriety and paragons of professionalism. No, the last bit was sarcastic. Do you mean to tell me that three people from the Channels television show, Sunrise Daily interviewed the good sir and we still don't know who the Oga (Master) at the top is? How spectacular!

Happy Days,
Afam.

Note:
 Here's what one incredibly well spoken Anonymous commenter had to say about it:

"I disagree with this post. Its not the fact that his vocabulary was poor that's the problem and its not even so much the fact that he knew nothing about websites, talk more of that of the nscdc. The problem is the lying and attempted deceit. He could easily have said he wasn't in the position to answer but because he'd already told so many lies in the earlier parts of the interview about "gadgets" and plans the nscdc has to change this and that, he couldn't possibly confess that he didn't even know the website. It shows the height of corruption, the fact that he kept blatantly trying to lie about it and it gives insight to how he carries out his job. When in a tight spot, lie and deceive your way out. Its not a problem we should "get used to" its a problem we should try to weed out of our economy even if it means using him as a scape goat to scare a bit of honesty into others like him. If for nothing else, at least that they may stop disgracing the nation."

I agree wholeheartedly with our nameless friend but I wouldn't say that she has disagreed with me, I think she's just added greater scope to the argument. So should Mr Shem be skewered because he doesn't speak well and because he doesn't know what the website of the NSCDC is? No. But, if he is a lying and deceitful charlatan currently employed by the tax payer then he should not only be skewered but deep fried like a kebab. Whichever way you look at it, I feel that people should come to see that there is nothing about it that is funny.

It is reported that two students of UNILAG committed suicide in January. The first, Damilola Durojaiye, a computer science student hanged himself while his parents were away at the cross over service praying in the New Year. I cannot imagine what they must have thought when they arrived home to see their son stiffening from rigour mortis hanging from wherever it was that he hanged himself. I think everyone will agree with me when I say that that is not the ideal way to begin your year. The second, Seun committed suicide by ingesting an undisclosed substance. The rhetoric in Nigeria is that suicide is an uncommon cause of death in Nigeria. However this seems an inaccurate assumption to make because our statistical measures being what they are make it nearly impossible to determine who has died from what.

Famz is not a new thing in Nigeria...

I'm sorry about the opening line. You see, it's a little bit of an inside joke. When I was a very young school boy a little over a decade ago at a rather good Nigerian boarding school, I did a subject called the Introduction to Technology. In this subject I was taught that the definition of technology was "Technology  is not a new thing in Nigeria." If your answer did not include that phrase, it was a little better than rubbish.

Now that you understand I'll begin again.

Famz is not a new thing in Nigeria. Now you're probably thinking, "BUT WHAT THE METAL GARRURUMON IS FAMZ?"

Metal Garurumon is a digimon. I often insert the names of pokemon, digimon and other such nonentities in the place of swear words because being a potty mouth can never ever be attractive. Inserting the names of Pokemon, digimon and other such nonentities is infinitely more interesting than swearing because you'll be thought of as a geek. Geek is sheek. This is probably a good place to state that this paragraph is asexual.

Behold Metal Garrurumon

Because I really didn't know how to define the word famz I turned to the Urban dictionary because it's generally a good, well informed source on all relevant global matters. The Urban Dictionary defines famz as...

"a nigerian word popularly used amongst the children of the rich elite especially in Lagos. You know, students in Grange, Whitesands, Greensprings, Redeemer's, Vivian Fowler, Lagoon, Atlantic-Hall, Olashore, Avi-Ceena, Dowen, Corona e.t.c

It refers to a situation where someone you do not know familiarises themselves with you because they have heard about you or because you're such a friggin legend or because you're popular. This typically refers to someone who is not in your social circle or someone who may be trying to infiltrate your social circle just so he/she can say "shiit i know him/her, we're friends"


The above is heavily paraphrased. I wasn't able to put the actual quote on the old blog without altering it. If you are so inclined you may find the original here

If you are the sort of person that would allow filth like this to spew from your mouth or roam about in the undoubtedly empty fixture you call a head then remove stick from anus immediately. It's not that serious and you're not that important. If you are so fortunate that people should seek to befriend you because of your reputation then be thankful. If you find that their advances are improper and/ or uncalled for then be polite about it.


The thing about the word famz is that it's age specific. It should only ever be used by those between the ages of 11 and 17. Those in their spring time of youth. The spring time of youth is an amazing time. It allows for the indulgence of every stupid impulse one might have.

I'll share one of my very daft impulses with you. When I was 13, I decided that it was about time that I started sagging. There's really nothing sexier than some bum cleavage right? In comparison to the other boys at school my boxers were pretty decent too. They were too decent to not be on public display. They were all Marks and Spencer's pick and mix with the exception of one or two Gap numbers. It was on one fine saturday morning that I realized that while sagging might be cool it wasn't for me. I'd sagged my gym shorts during early morning exercise. While doing push ups the elastic band of my gym shorts tugged on the base of my boxers and revealed my arse to the entire year. I did not realise this until some concerned citizens tapped me on the back and informed me that I had been mooning everyone for the better part of 5 minutes. My trousers remained rooted to my unusually high waist after that. Sagging is not for everyone. Fortunately it's no longer cool. I think it was quite the unhygienic trend. One layer between the gassy expulsions of your body and the unsuspecting world is not enough.

To relieve the twenty somethings that may or may not have peaked in high school of their shame (Because using the word famz at your age is rather shameful), I Afam have come up with a most ingenuous plan.

From this day until the end of all days the verb To Famz  will now mean to read the ramblings of a madman Afam.

The noun Famzer will be restricted to one who reads the Ramblings of a Madman Afam.

In a sentence:
I did a lot of Famzing yesterday. Afam is such a clever chap!

I am a Famzer. 

There's no need to thank me. Yes, I am the kindest most considerate soul in all the world. So I'll get at you later Famzers.

Happy Days,
Afam

My country is magnificent! It is a thing of beauty! It is a piece of moving, living art. It must not and cannot be criticized for any events that happen within her borders. It is a 52 year long epic. Were the full story ever to be captured in film the even the preview would be so marvelously exciting anyone with half a mind would be forced to see it. What news headline have we not obliterated? We have done it all. I fear that we have exhausted all possible avenues for excitement. If you have no idea what I am talking about then feast your eyes...

You can count a few pairs of legs here. It does not appear to be some organised lynching but a spontaneous lynching. This makes it all the more spectacular for an organised lynching is a common occurrence. It is much harder to get a group of completely unrelated people to observe a the beating, then stoning and burning of four teenage boys.

That's one of them burning.

They've started quite the blaze haven't they? We should make this a poster. I dare say that it would be just as popular as Thích Quảng Đức, the Vietnamese monk that set himself alight.

Had this been an impromptu burning I would have said that the mob was angry. I would have said that it was an irrational heat of the moment sort of thing but I don't even have that excuse. Like I said earlier, they beat them, and then they stoned them (the stones were not at all small, I would say they rocked them but it doesn't quite have the same flair.) and then they burned them.

This is the real Nigeria. A country where we complain about violence, injustice and corruption but it's all a farce because deep down (or maybe not even that deep down) we are all like this. We are the type to beat, stone and burn four young lads on a mere suspicion. It doesn't even matter what they did because I can't say that any man deserves this.

They say show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are. This phrase is infinitely adaptable. Show me your people and I will tell you who you are. The answer stares us in the face. We are Babarians, We are Animals, We are Nigerians, the purveyors of Jungle Justice and other such practices. The people scream do something! I say if screaming is all you're doing then you are obviously one of the above.

You need not do anything now. What you do need not be perceptible. You're not doing it for the praise of men, you're doing it for your safety, because you see it now don't you? I know that your vision may have been clouded before but it must be clear now. You are one of those burning boys. In the right circumstances anyone of us could be them. So save yourselves.

As always, Happy Days,
Afam