So I was walking about in my garden this morning

Yes, that is me. And yes, I dress like this when I'm in my garden, because it is my garden.

Now you can see me properly. I'm wearing my Afam Strawhat. The more discerning of you will have realised that I've changed my name on twitter from Afambewbew to Afam Strawhat. That's who I am now. I'm the straw hat wearing fisherman of the city that doesn't have a fishing rod. Attend me. Where was I? The shades are Cartier's, the necklace thingy is nameless, but it's flawless. I got it from the crafts market near where I live. The shorts are Muay Thai shorts, and the trainers are from the Yohji Yamamoto collaboration with adidas. They're Y-3's.

ehem...

Yes...

I was walking about in the garden feeling myself

If you didn't know how to feel yourself, learn your lesson. This is how you do it. I can't explain it. You either get it or you don't. You get it? You gerrit? I can get it? I know.

When the Universe struck me with news.

I was like NO! I'm not ready. HEEEEEEEEEEEH!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Slow down.

But the Universe waits for no man. Shehe (because the universe is both he and a she) said to me, "Afam, Temi Dollface just dropped a new song."

I removed my hat from my head, clutched it to my chest and screamed the scream of a crazed fanatic. Errr Maaa Gerrrrd I wasn't ready! She told me she'd been working on something a few weeks ago, but I was still unprepared. I hadn't even heard the song at that point, but I was freaking out. ERRR MAAAAR GEEEEEEEEEERRRRD AFAM

I clutched my balls to steady myself. But even that wasn't enough to calm me da fuq down. OH MAAAAAAAAAEEEEER DAAAAAAAAYS AFAM

And then the excitement escaped from me. I couldn't contain myself.

I said "REGGIE", "CAPTAIN REGINALD ODI!!!!", "TEMI DOLLFACE JUST RELEASED A NEW SONG!!" "YEAH! SHE JUST RELEASED A NEW SONG NOW!!" "LIKE NOW!" I'M GONNA TELL ERRBADDDY AFAM

That's captain Reginald and I. There I'm wearing my Slazenger swimming shorts from my University of Manchester swimming society days.

....
Captain Reginald didn't say anything back because he was sleeping and farting somewhere. It was at that time that the Universe took the initiative to download the song, its video and the behind the scenes documentary of the video which shows how she and IBK Spaceship Boi wrote the song into my head.

While the download was happening, the sky went dark and everything turned blue. This is what happens when the universe is doing magic. It was quite painful. It was like taking a dump while being severely constipated but in your head. Yes. It was like taking a constipated head shit. TAKING A HEAD SHIT AFAM

When the magics released me, I sprang up like a champagne cork. "THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR BLESSING ME TODAY!!"  I yelled. I also waved goodbye to the universe because you can't keep the universe about you at all times. Heshe can be quite wicked. Heshe isn't a good friend to have.

And then from that position I,

I jumped up and got my eagle on. That is to say that I spread my wings... My legs are spread aren't they? I yelled in ecstasy for the song is brilliant. this is how I feel when the people I like do good work. It's light and it shows Temi's voice to great effect. Its production is minimal. Most of the time she's accompanied by a piano, and even when the drums, claps and maracas come in she isn't over shadowed. It's certainly more intimate than her last offering, Pata Pata. The harmonies she does with IBK Spaceshipboi are tight. They've got such great chemistry. I don't believe that we've heard all she's got to offer. She belts, she squeal, she's husky and then she's full. I for one look forward to her album. And let's not forget IBK Spaceshipboi. His falsetto is incredibly successful in this track, and those who watch the behind the scenes video will marvel at his talent. They both make it look so easy.  And as if all of that were not enough, the song has got a great message. It's got my stamp of approval.  Give it a listen will you?

Happy Days,
Afam

I've got a glass of Bacchus tonic wine in front of me. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty grim. It's exactly what you'd get if someone took some port and mixed it with tonic. It tastes like medicine and not in a good way. I suppose it's an acquired taste. Yes, it must be. I assure you that by the time I type that last word, I will have acquired it. It tastes like struggles. When I was in University, I drank cheap shitty wine by the kilo because I believed that cheap shitty vinegary wine was a fundamental part of the student experience. The same shall be true of Bacchus. Bacchus shall be the beverage of my mid-mid twenties to my mid-twenties. I shall approach them for an endorsement tomorrow. I'm in my the end justifies the means phase. Drunkenness is no great distinguisher of poisons and all alcohol is poison. You're probably thinking that this one is about Bacchus, but it isn't. It's about a super exclusive party that I, Afam, was invited to because I am Afam, and I am great. If you disagree with me go away. Your bad mojo is jinxing me. I kid. I don't care why you read, as long as you read. In your hatred, in your love; in your revulsion, in your adoration; read my blog.

Here I'm wearing a United Colours of Benetton white shirt with floral embroidery. It's a great fruity shirt. It's dressy without being conspicuous. I'm also wearing blue jeans from Espirit and brow tassled loafers from Russel and Bromley. That's what I wore to the party by the way

I just remembered that I forgot to tell you what exactly Bacchus is. Bacchus is a Nigerian made tonic wine. I don't know where they get their grapes from, but I can tell you that I'm 3 sips in, and I love it already. Forget about all of that rubbish about it being grim. It's grimly awesome, and it's the best medicine I've ever tasted. It's pretty strong at 18%, but strength is also equal to economy. As a trained economist, I'm all about the economy of things. Yes, SYSTEM, EFFICIENCY AND ECONOMY!!

On the day of the party, I had another. It was the Reloaded magazine party. There was a time when I might have done some work for them, but I think that's dead now. I'm not sad. Sometimes things don't work out and there's beauty in that. You pick yourself up and walk. If you're lucky you run. I'm lucky. I'm sprinting. The Reloaded magazine party was meant to start at 5pm, but when I got there at 8 it hadn't started. I didn't wait for a minute. There was no point really. You see in my world every moment is pregnant with opportunity. If you go to this party, and speak to this person who's incredibly important, you might get work that's big enough to change everything. Every moment is filled with the promise of success. On that night in particular, I was over it. I wasn't going to wait till 10 for the dream of a dream. I found the very idea of it dishonourable. I'm Afam. I'm no man's doormat. I won't let anyone cut open my head and shit down my neck for free. So I hopped in the pimp mobil and sped to Ikoyi.

I could tell you where exactly in Ikoyi the party was but I won't. And I could tell you which prominent Lagos family hosted it but I won't. Those parts of the story are uninteresting to me and so I shan't bother with them. All you need to know about the house is that it is beautiful. And all you need to know about the family, is that I felt welcome. I was invited by a young lady called Dede. She's magnificent. That phrase is enough. Any more words extolling her virtues would only diminish her in your eyes. In this instance, your eyes are the ones that matter most for after I put this up, I lose all possession of it. You will interprete it the way you see fit and I will have to live with your various interpretations. If you say that it's sarcastic, it is, and if you say that it's fake, then it is. But I'm a rambling madman, a phrase will never be enough. Even if it is enough for you, it'll never be enough for me. Dede wears a mask at all times. It's a perfectly natural mask, and that's its best and most damning quality. She makes it clear that there's more than one level to her, and you envy the people who've made it past the first. The amazing thing is, when you're speaking to her one on one, you're never quite sure what level you're on. Her smile is easy. Her movement is self assured.

The decor was vaguely reminiscent of a harem. It had something to do with the low sofas and the primary and secondary coloured lighting. The crowd was weird. Well off Nigerian twenty somethings together are always weird. They're too concerned about how they are perceived to let loose, so even when they speak to one another, the conversation is stilted and stiff. They're far too wound up to have fun when they're gathered en masse. So they tend to stick to the people they know best, surrounded by copious amounts of the only legal social lubricant apart from cigarettes I know of.

The thing about this party is that they somehow manage to get the best, most entertaining, most exciting performers every year. This year they had Temi Dollface, Ice Prince Zamani and Wizkid.

Temi Dollface, is an extraordinary performer. She makes every effort to involve her audience. Most Nigerian performers screech to their backing tracks but not she. Her music is always live. She travels with her band back up singers who double up as azonto and etighi masters. She's only got one single so far, Pata Pata. It's a banger, made all the more interesting by its interactive video. The crowd was difficult. The children of the rich aren't ones to display their fandom publicly. Before they deign to sing along, they probably have the following conversation with themselves in their heads.

Enter Super Rich Kid (SRK), and Super Rich Kid's alter ego (SRKA)

SRKA: I love this song. I think I'm going to go to the dance floor and dance like a dervish.

SRK: You'll do no such thing. Look at everyone watching. People will talk.

SRKA: But who cares? Everybody talks. Let them say what they will.

SRK: I care. And who's the person we'll be dancing to? They're nobody. 

SRKA: But I really like the song!

SRK: I'd understand if it were Dbanj or Wizkid but who the who is Temi Dollface? 

She's used to this sort of thing. It's difficult to be as stiff as our exemplary fellow when she takes the stage. She was so determined to gain the attention of her audience that at one stage she lay down on it and said that she wouldn't stand up until our reaction got louder.

Yes, she's looking at me here. I'm a little bit of an attention grabber... or she's a little bit of a camera lover. I only had my iphone camera but I wasn't going to miss this shot.

She's taking off her shoes here. I suspect that they were hurting. I was shocked, but not that shocked. Temi's a little bit mad you see. That's why we get on. Or I think that's why we get on. Yes, I'm being a little familiar here. Maybe I'll get the courage to ask her for her blackberry messenger pin the next time I see her. I'll keep you posted.

How Gaga is this?

Sometime after her came Ice Prince Zamani. He was alright, but I didn't get any pictures so I'll skip him. Don't be rude. He got a mention. That's enough isn't it?

Lastly we have Wizkid.



I quite like Wizkid, he's got as many hits as Dbanj  in less than half the time and that's a commendable feat. His face is too fresh though. I mean, it looks prepubescent. I'll probably ask him if he wears makeup the next time I see him.

The party was totes amaze.

That's me with a can of Gulder. Gulder is a decent Lager you know?

I'm tired and tipsy now, so I'm going to go to sleep. You don't mind do you? I'm not sure what this post was exactly. It's quite possible that I lost my way half way through. Until next time.

Happy Days,
Afam

Yo! Yo! Yo! So those weren't all my pictures. I've got a few more. I've got to say, being a fashionisto is paying off on the instagram front. My following isn't that large yet, but I'm sure it will grow like a weed. Weed... That's a nice word. I like it when I feel weedy. And I like that weed has many meanings. Yes, I like the word "weed". It's full of possibilities. Most words are, so I suppose this is why I like words. Anyway, I've got to hurry up and finish this so I can get back to life. I haven't been to Stranger, that store in Lekki since Wednesday and I need a top up. They get my sort crazy over there.

Anyway, let's begin! I like beginnings. I like that I can't see the ending at the minute. I'm sure all of that will become clear once we begin.

Here we've got Tomi Odunsi. She was styled by Rukky Style and I hear she's an actress on tinsel.  She's gorgeous isn't she? When I saw her, I walked up to her and said, "sistuh, sistuh, I gats take your pisho." She obviously acquiesced. if she didn't she wouldn't be here so aren't you gad for it. I love what she's wearing though. It's really pretty. Her shoes are great too. I obviously like the subtle things more than I do the loud.

This is great you know? She could be hiding a carnival up in there but I'm sure that she isn't. You look at her and you can tell that she's a great super nice and cooky individual. These are all good things in my book. I'm going to go out on a limb and call it boho chic.

Bayo Oke Lawal and Tomi Odunsi. Smize Bayo, Smize. Dude's fierce face is a little too fierce. I can imagine the photoshoot that was going on in his head.  Look a little to the left. Chin down. Stare into the distance. Imagine that there's a safe full of money at the end of the runway. Lust after it. Yeah! Give it your I'm going to rape you now look. And there you have it. I have to say that Bayo looks good here. He didn't really dress up during fashion week because he was working. I was pleased that his man cleavage was absent. Anyway, He's wearing a blazer that he made, a shirt that he made, and a tie from Primark. I shit you not. Dude is a fashion KING!! I have never seen anything primark look that good. I shall tag them in this. I don't know where the trousers are from but the shoes are Armani. They make a pretty couple don't they?

This is Damilola Adegbite. I love her body. It reminds me of one of the characters in a jackie Collins novel I read once. I'm not going to tell you why because #inappropriate but if she ever asks me I'll drop it like a slut. She looks awesome. I dig it. Her dress wasn't made for sitting though.

Erm I'm kind of sort of not a camera man. I'm a blogger. And the event didn't pay me a salary. So it's a little awkward when you grab my arm and demand that I take your picture. I'm happy to do it most of the time, but you don't demand charity you know? I've got a job to do and stuff. They look super pretty don't they?

I rate this dood so highly. He was one of the presenters last night and he did a bang tidy job. He had his game face all night. I think I like South Africans. The one's I met last night were brilliant. He looks good, and I like his socks.

This woman, Brenda Wairimu is such a doll. You'll see a better picture of her later.

Here you have Lawrence, Vimbai and IK Osakioduwa all smiling like perverts. I kid. What! Sometimes my jokes aren't funny. I have to get my rocks off too you know?

That guys head ruined a perfectly amazing shot, so thanks man, for ruining my life.

This is Vimbai again. I'm obviously secretly in love with her. MMmmm She sweet like chocolate. I'm practicing my African American speech. This was outfit number 2. It wasn't my favourite one that she wore, but she looks great in this shot, and it's all about the shot right?

Here we've got Makida Moka. he's wearing an custom made dress by Ituen Bassey. It's stunning. She's stunning. Do you understand that she's not even trying to look stunning? That's her face dead on. I'm going to ask her to be my baby momma. I need those genes in my gene pool. Afam and Maki swirl. Boom Chaka Wawa.

In all fairness Bayo's an amazing sport. Here he's looking at the Orange culture cookies on the menu. He is the biggest advocate of self promotion I've ever met. Which is why I have dedicated a future 40,000 naira to buying one of his designs. It's the coolest smock I've ever seen. I'll blog about it sometime.

These ladies wanted a picture too, but they asked nicely, so I was happy to do it. They're so shiny!

And this is me, celebrating the fact that I, Afam, got yet another press pass.

Vimbai again... She had three dress changes last night. I liked this one the best though. That's not to say that the others weren't great. Remember, IMOTEDA BEAT THAT FACE!!! How can anyone say that she doesn't look awesome. Take that haterade you've been sipping and shove it up your arse. What? You wanted to say something? Shove it even higher yo!! That's what I have to say to you @PoshAgabi on twitter.

Eku in Jewel by Lisa. She makes me sigh. That's how pretty she is. I think I say pretty too much. I'm going to stop taking pictures of pretty people now. They just oppress the non-pretty. I was fairly pleased that handsome chap (Denola) wasn't there. I would have gone home depressed. If you're good looking you should at least have the common decency to be poorly dressed. I feel better and I didn't mean that. Not really... anyway this is about Eku, and she looks great. It's so simple, and elegant.

This is a sign that the Lord has come down. Those legs. Ah Gaddem. Afam, can you handle it? Afaminator, can you handle it? Afamefuna, can you handle it? Because I don't think you can handle it. And I can't. Legs for days. Legs on legs on legs. Poise on poise on poise. She is exquisite.

Temidollface gave the best performance of the night. During her performance she stomped off stage, sat on my laps, and did a little dance for me. I was in shock, I call it Temishock. She is fierce oh! I'm going to her next concert with my crew. That's me, Captain Reginald my 6 year old Rottweiler and aspiring photographer, and my two cameras. It's an Afam party. Welcome to my Afamourage.

This woman! She has a beautiful soul. She isn't that short in real life. She was just trying to hide her slippers. I think she looks like Serena Williams and I mean that in the best way possible. Her name's Moloisi Mabeba, and she haileth from South Africa.

This right here is Chioma Afe, who works for DSTV. I like what she's wearing. It's flattering. She looks good, but I wish she had stars underneath the Adire cut outs. That's adire no? You know I don't know what adire is. I call anything that looks traditional adire. How bad of me? I'll change my ways immediately. The only thing I don't like about that dress is the zip down the front. It's bizarre.

And here we have Duro Onokunle. Her smile is the most contagious thing. I really like her hair as well. It suits her.

This right here is Jennifer Alegieuno.  I don't hate it. She's looks okay. I'm not so sure about the purple and yellow combination but it wasn't the worst thing I saw all evening so, I'll move on. Before I go, it seems that I've only just become sure about the combination. I don't like it. Yellow and purple do not compliment each other at all. Gurr who styled you? She does look pretty though.

Here we've got Linda Ejiofor. I strongly believe that that's her name, but I may be wrong. She looks great doesn't she? I like the cut out at the waist but cut outs are so 2012 aren't they? We're practically in 2014 y'all! And someborry beat that face up!

This is Ivie in a dress by Cici Mae. It was the most fashion forward dress there. I don't think I'll say any more than that. I liked it. I like it still. It's interesting to look at.

Ivie again. She's a babe.

The entertainment on the red carpet was provided by Osameji entertainment. It's owned by two twin sisters, Taiwo and Kehinde. They were fun. I enjoyed their cultural rhythms. I suspect that they may also be cultural dance specialists. I find this detail interesting.

The dress is nice, but I don't understand why she's wearing that bag and that chunky necklace and those shoes. Everything about this look but the dress and the make up is wrong. The weave needs to go. I'm sorry it does. I think she might have benefited from the powers of an updo.

two words, DISCO QUEEN. The men look like her body guards though and that's unfortunate.

Praiz. I think that's how it's spelled. Praiz sang very well, but he was on right at the beginning, so not many people listened. He did dress well, and I suppose that counts for something.  Next time don't let them put you on first. The devil is a liar.

Bah! They're all pretty. But that womans cleavage yo is a big that is beautiful. It's important to say because not every big is beautiful. When your muffin top has a muffin top, that isn't how you are naturally, that big is not beautiful, you're just fat. Of course there's nothing wrong with being fat, but don't go around saying you look like a "normal woman". Make like Gabourey Sidibe and own your fatness. Having said all that these women are larger than size 2 and they're all stunning.

Brenda Wairimu, I have no words. I kid. I always have words. Epic. Stunning. Fantastic. Doll. She is such a doll. Any way you look at her she's a doll. The dress, flatters her to no end. And the styling and her make up compliment each other. Success! This is the standard people, meet it!!

Temi Dollface was the best performer of the night. She's a machine. And those shoes, they're like midnight. I love her style. I really do. She was singing to me at that moment. Can you see her looking at me? And, she can azonto like a monster.

 I had fun. I hope you did too. I've got to jet. There's this thing called The Experience in a lethal bizzle, and I'm covering it so... there.

Yes, I left my belt at home. Why did I leave my belt at home? It's a simple answer,  we had a fight and it isn't speaking to me. I called it ugly. It didn't like being called ugly so it refused to look good on this outfit. Belt-kun please forgive me, I don't know whatta do. Please forgive me, when I'm not loving you. That song came straight from Nollywood. I quite like Africa Magic you know. The other day I watched a movie where there was a winnie the pooh ojuju calabar, and witches and wizards were duelling like they were in Hogwarts. It was such good fun. I laughed my arse off. Feel free to slam me for my shoddy appearance. Like I said, it isn't personal. Eku and I look like best friends here. This is a good thing. Now I can be like she my homie, mhmmm. Don't judge me. I've already judged myself.

Happy Days,
Afam