Ifeanyi Nnwune's Spring Summer 2015 collection and Other Stuff.
Afam
16:10:00
On Haircuts and Life
Afam
17:12:00
Some people look to God for the future. They ask him questions like,
"Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And what will become of me?"
In this regard, I am perhaps luckier than they are, because my list of incessant questions about my fate is shorter than theirs by one. If I were a prophet I'd say to myself,
"Afam, in your case, there's nothing more certain than death and baldness."
There's nothing extraordinary about the former. All men must die. But for the latter it's a different story, not all men are blessed with premature baldness. To deal with this my friends have been incredibly helpful. They've said,
"Afam, your forehead grows more foreboding by the hour, and your widow's peak grows lonelier by the day. Won't you forsake your rather unfortunate locks and go bald? And then you should grow a beard too."
My answer so far has been a hale and hearty no. The bald head, outlandish beard look only works when the bald head isn't vaguely reminiscent of an alien's, and the ears aren't distinctly elfen, and the beard isn't more patch than beard. Furthermore, if I were to comply, I would end up looking like a hipster." Hipsters make the effort to be hipster, normal well adjusted people that are quirky, just look quirky. There's no need to try.
I had a problem with no solutions in sight. I grew disenchanted with my childhood barber, Sam, after each uninspiring haircut. And any attempts at switching things up were met with a raised eyebrow that said,
"Afam, what you want is alright, but your father, the dear and great Papa Afam, tips more than you probably earn for a week's work. It's an arrangement that I quite enjoy, so let's stick with the parentally approved number one all the way round your receding hairline be damned."
I was at my wits end, and that's when Simeon came into my life. I was desperately in need of a haircut, and Sam was nowhere to be found, so I went driving. Some of you would say,
"Afam, there's a barber on every street corner! There's no need to roam the streets searching for one!"
But I can't do that. I live a bumpy life, and haircuts under N500 naira (£1:50) tend to give me nothing but bumps, so I needed to find an appropriately expensive guy to do the deed. I drove around Lekki for a bit before I found a little place on Layi Yusuf Crescent. When I sat down on the chair, I told him not to ask me what I wanted, and informed him that with me he was hair stylist first, and barber second. He set to work immediately. In the end I got a fade that I'm convinced that only he can do, with a side parting that's straight out of the sixties. I was pleased.
In life, there are people who'll tell you this and that, and try to bend you this way and that, but if you're looking to make a change you won't find it outside. You'll have to look within, and then you'll have to make the step. It isn't enough to daydream about your future, and wonder about what would have been, and what could be. In most cases, what would have been can still be, and what could be won't be if you do nothing. Sometimes you've got to go and find your barber yourself. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I think finding your barber, is the first step to becoming your own man. A good barber is a brother in arms. He'll make sure that even when things in your life are at their worst your hair is still cover boy pretty. For women confidence starts from the heel up, but for men, it starts from the head down. Get your head screwed on straight and the world will be at your feet.
The House of Afam Election Results Live Blog
Afam
20:13:00
Ah my famzers! Life is terrible indeed. I was milling about at home when my father, the great and esteemed Papa Afam called me.
Enter Papa Afam and I, Afam
Papa Afam: Afam!
Afam: Yes dad! What have I done?
Papa Afam: Don't worry about that. I'll sort you out later. Go and get a biro.
Afam: What for?
Papa Afam: I have these papers! I have been recording the election results.
Afam: Manually?
Papa Afam: Yes. I don't trust those machines. Have you got the pen?
Afam: Can I open a spread sheet?
Papa Afam: Don't over complicate matters. That is your problem. Someone will ask you to do A and you will start thinking about A, B, C, D, and E.
Afam: If you insist. But I'm going to get the laptop and live blog the election results.
Papa Afam: What is that?
And that my friends is why I am still a blogger. Also I cannot sit upstairs idle, writing numbers down on a sheet of paper. I'm not a dull person.
BREAKING!!! The dailypost Ng reports that there are Massive protests in Enugu over the outcome of the national assembly election held in Enugu East senatorial zone. Apparently the people in that zone didn't vote for Senator Gilbert Nnaji of the PDP, who won, but for Governor Chimaroke Nnamani of the PDC. Yes the PDC. That is the People for Democratic Change.
By the way I'm currently laughing my buttocks off at this tweet.
It's a reminder that we should chill a little. Not every time fight on twitter, sometimes laugh about Congo Grey parrots.
But let's get back to the main matter! Where is Jega? It is 8:24! What if he has been taken? Because of my ignorance I decided to consult with Papa Afam, who is generally quite knowledgeable about these things.
Papa Afam: Jega is in his house in Abuja.
Afam: Isn't he 25 minutes late?
Papa Afam: Don't worry he'll come out at nine.
Afam: Do you think he's under duress?
Papa Afam: I don't know.
That wasn't very helpful was it. We're currently listening to Femi Fani-Kayode talk and that's enough to make anyone grumpy. He is one parrot that could do with a de-feathering.
20:30pm... not exactly breaking but still relevant... The Edo Deputy state Chairman of the All Progressives Congress has actually been taken. PM News Nigeria reports that soldiers from the Nigerian Army School of Electrical and Mechanical Engineering stormed his house in Auchi and took him. If anyone knows where he is, please tell someone. It's actually quite sad. I hope he's safe.
20:37pm. There've been a few Anti-Igbo rants on twitter because the Eastern states have a PDP bias. APC only got 14,000 votes in Enugu, and that my friends is an epic fail. Here's an Igbo rant that I saw.
The guy's obviously a moron. I don't think I can say any more than that, about that. Just because someone knows what a qwerty keyboard is doesn't mean that they went to school. #theend
20:50... The returning INEC (Independent National Electoral Commission) official for Enugu just said that he made a mistake with Enugu's results. Apparently APC polled 22,690 votes not 14,157. I smell a fish. You can't just ruck up to the podium and change your story without first giving us a story. Enugu smells like fish at this point.
21:00... And APC takes Kano. 1,903,999 to PDP's 215,779.
21:05... It's a little bit tense now. All the banter has died. Jigawa's up now. I should probably give a special shalla/shoutout to KOWA (a political party that isn't doing very well they got 423 votes in Jigawa). APC takes Jigawa 885,988 to PDP's 142,904. APC got 85 percent of the vote there.
21:14... What is up with Channels' live feed. The thing is so scraps right now. Anyway in Katsina, APC got 1,345,441 and PDP got 98,937. There were no cancellations in Katsina, Jollificate! That means be jolly, and party and stuff. Mama Afam's been chased to her chambers by Papa Afam, because there are no phones allowed in the collation room.
21:19... And now we're in Kwara. APC got 302,146 and PDP got 132,602. APC snagged 69 percent of the vote there guys. APC seems to be doing quite well. There were no cancellations in Kwara either. More grease to your elbows Kwarites. It isn't easy.
21:23 - It's all going so fast now. I have no time for conjecture and silly fantasies because now they're in Kaduna. On a side note it's thundering and this is scary because the cable is fiercely incompatible with rain. Anyway, APC is doing some heavy damage in the North. They got 1,127,760, to PDP's 484,085. APC got 70% of the vote and they're currently leading by about 4.5 million votes.
21:34 - It's an APC bloodbath in the East! I guess the Igbos want anyone/anything but Buhari which is fair enough. In Anambra, PDP won with 660,762 votes and APC virtually died with 17,926. Anyway you look at it, it's just terrible. This is the stuff of nightmares. And now we've got more Nightmare content because it's time for Abia.
22:05 - This break is a little bit long. Papa Afam is currently giving predictions, but I can't see the sense in it. The results will be the way the results will be. But if you're interested in that sort of thing, we're predicting a win for APC. Don't look at me anyhow, Jonathan winning would be a tragedy. Mama Afam's prepared some nibbles! Three cheers for the woman!!!
Anyway I'm going to see what the tweeps on twitter are saying.
I don't really get what Jega is doing to be honest. Why do they need so many breaks! And I understand Black People's Time but since when did 10 minutes turn into an hour; such bad behaviour! I'm about to become a Naijacan't, or even more of a naijacan't than I am already.
22:53 - Akwa-Ibom has produced some shocking results! What has APC done to the Southerners? Everyone knows what PDP's done (allowed Boko Haram to rape and pillage unchecked, tanked the economy, turned the Nigerian populace into Rihanna (we're all saying Bitch better have my money). That's enough preamble for now. PDP got 953,304 votes and APC got 58,411. Chai!
22:57 - Now we're in Imo state. Apparently Mama Afam knows the INEC official reading the results, Professor Ibidapo Obe. My parents are mysterious people. He seems like a good guy though! Cracking jokes. He's also quite clever! He made his own summary sheet. Jega (the bossman) told him to heat up some of his cool and read the thing from the original document. PDP trounced APC 559,185 to 133,253. It's better than a lot of the other eastern states, so I think APC will be happy with that. It's great to know that you're not completely loathed.
There were cancelled votes in some local governments because the Polling Officers were playing where is the polling officer? with the voters. Diaris God Oh!
23:08 - It's Plateau's shot at the podium! PDP - 429,140, and APC - 549,615
Papa Afam: Goodluck has lost!
Mama Afam: Amen
There's a lot of conversation here about Plateau being a swing state. Papa Afam said, "It could go either way." All I could think of after this was the bisexuality of the state. Is there something wrong with me? To be honest, APC and PDP might as well be different genders.
23:17And that's it for tonight guys. They've literally just called it a night, after doing half the work! Holy Jehoshaphat! As a result of their tardiness, it's cloudy with a chance of violence.
Stay Safe. Happy Days.
Afam
Enter Papa Afam and I, Afam
Papa Afam: Afam!
Afam: Yes dad! What have I done?
Papa Afam: Don't worry about that. I'll sort you out later. Go and get a biro.
Afam: What for?
Papa Afam: I have these papers! I have been recording the election results.
Afam: Manually?
Papa Afam: Yes. I don't trust those machines. Have you got the pen?
Afam: Can I open a spread sheet?
Papa Afam: Don't over complicate matters. That is your problem. Someone will ask you to do A and you will start thinking about A, B, C, D, and E.
Afam: If you insist. But I'm going to get the laptop and live blog the election results.
Papa Afam: What is that?
And that my friends is why I am still a blogger. Also I cannot sit upstairs idle, writing numbers down on a sheet of paper. I'm not a dull person.
BREAKING!!! The dailypost Ng reports that there are Massive protests in Enugu over the outcome of the national assembly election held in Enugu East senatorial zone. Apparently the people in that zone didn't vote for Senator Gilbert Nnaji of the PDP, who won, but for Governor Chimaroke Nnamani of the PDC. Yes the PDC. That is the People for Democratic Change.
By the way I'm currently laughing my buttocks off at this tweet.
@Gidi_Traffic I need an avian vet. My Congo Grey Parrot is de feathering himself despite been placed on vitamins. Tx.
— Creative Brat (@CreativeBrat) March 30, 2015
It's a reminder that we should chill a little. Not every time fight on twitter, sometimes laugh about Congo Grey parrots.
But let's get back to the main matter! Where is Jega? It is 8:24! What if he has been taken? Because of my ignorance I decided to consult with Papa Afam, who is generally quite knowledgeable about these things.
Papa Afam: Jega is in his house in Abuja.
Afam: Isn't he 25 minutes late?
Papa Afam: Don't worry he'll come out at nine.
Afam: Do you think he's under duress?
Papa Afam: I don't know.
That wasn't very helpful was it. We're currently listening to Femi Fani-Kayode talk and that's enough to make anyone grumpy. He is one parrot that could do with a de-feathering.
20:30pm... not exactly breaking but still relevant... The Edo Deputy state Chairman of the All Progressives Congress has actually been taken. PM News Nigeria reports that soldiers from the Nigerian Army School of Electrical and Mechanical Engineering stormed his house in Auchi and took him. If anyone knows where he is, please tell someone. It's actually quite sad. I hope he's safe.
20:37pm. There've been a few Anti-Igbo rants on twitter because the Eastern states have a PDP bias. APC only got 14,000 votes in Enugu, and that my friends is an epic fail. Here's an Igbo rant that I saw.
The guy's obviously a moron. I don't think I can say any more than that, about that. Just because someone knows what a qwerty keyboard is doesn't mean that they went to school. #theend
20:50... The returning INEC (Independent National Electoral Commission) official for Enugu just said that he made a mistake with Enugu's results. Apparently APC polled 22,690 votes not 14,157. I smell a fish. You can't just ruck up to the podium and change your story without first giving us a story. Enugu smells like fish at this point.
21:00... And APC takes Kano. 1,903,999 to PDP's 215,779.
21:05... It's a little bit tense now. All the banter has died. Jigawa's up now. I should probably give a special shalla/shoutout to KOWA (a political party that isn't doing very well they got 423 votes in Jigawa). APC takes Jigawa 885,988 to PDP's 142,904. APC got 85 percent of the vote there.
21:14... What is up with Channels' live feed. The thing is so scraps right now. Anyway in Katsina, APC got 1,345,441 and PDP got 98,937. There were no cancellations in Katsina, Jollificate! That means be jolly, and party and stuff. Mama Afam's been chased to her chambers by Papa Afam, because there are no phones allowed in the collation room.
21:19... And now we're in Kwara. APC got 302,146 and PDP got 132,602. APC snagged 69 percent of the vote there guys. APC seems to be doing quite well. There were no cancellations in Kwara either. More grease to your elbows Kwarites. It isn't easy.
21:23 - It's all going so fast now. I have no time for conjecture and silly fantasies because now they're in Kaduna. On a side note it's thundering and this is scary because the cable is fiercely incompatible with rain. Anyway, APC is doing some heavy damage in the North. They got 1,127,760, to PDP's 484,085. APC got 70% of the vote and they're currently leading by about 4.5 million votes.
21:34 - It's an APC bloodbath in the East! I guess the Igbos want anyone/anything but Buhari which is fair enough. In Anambra, PDP won with 660,762 votes and APC virtually died with 17,926. Anyway you look at it, it's just terrible. This is the stuff of nightmares. And now we've got more Nightmare content because it's time for Abia.
22:05 - This break is a little bit long. Papa Afam is currently giving predictions, but I can't see the sense in it. The results will be the way the results will be. But if you're interested in that sort of thing, we're predicting a win for APC. Don't look at me anyhow, Jonathan winning would be a tragedy. Mama Afam's prepared some nibbles! Three cheers for the woman!!!
Anyway I'm going to see what the tweeps on twitter are saying.
😂😂😂😂 “@iamforbes: As in, please, talk to us. RT @SappyJnr: My Igbo folks, I never knew y'all felt this STRONGLY Ahahn 😳”
— ErrMaGerrrd (@MotleyMusings) March 30, 2015
This is true. Igbo's what's up with you? Let's talk about this. Are you hurt? Is there a bee in your bonnet that you want to share with us? Sharing is caring? In other news, I'm looking a Protesting APC Women in Port Harcourt being tear gassed. Odikwa serious.I don't really get what Jega is doing to be honest. Why do they need so many breaks! And I understand Black People's Time but since when did 10 minutes turn into an hour; such bad behaviour! I'm about to become a Naijacan't, or even more of a naijacan't than I am already.
This Jega is a typical Nigerian Professor, making you wait 3hrs for a 10min chat
— A.A-A (@SirDorian_Gray) March 30, 2015
22:47 - Sorry about the lack of updates. I went to get a plate of Suya, because you know that the Mandem can't be hungry while watching this election results announcement. You see, I'm not about a struggling lifestyle. If you can't gbadun (enjoy) the somtin, then don't do it.22:53 - Akwa-Ibom has produced some shocking results! What has APC done to the Southerners? Everyone knows what PDP's done (allowed Boko Haram to rape and pillage unchecked, tanked the economy, turned the Nigerian populace into Rihanna (we're all saying Bitch better have my money). That's enough preamble for now. PDP got 953,304 votes and APC got 58,411. Chai!
22:57 - Now we're in Imo state. Apparently Mama Afam knows the INEC official reading the results, Professor Ibidapo Obe. My parents are mysterious people. He seems like a good guy though! Cracking jokes. He's also quite clever! He made his own summary sheet. Jega (the bossman) told him to heat up some of his cool and read the thing from the original document. PDP trounced APC 559,185 to 133,253. It's better than a lot of the other eastern states, so I think APC will be happy with that. It's great to know that you're not completely loathed.
There were cancelled votes in some local governments because the Polling Officers were playing where is the polling officer? with the voters. Diaris God Oh!
23:08 - It's Plateau's shot at the podium! PDP - 429,140, and APC - 549,615
Papa Afam: Goodluck has lost!
Mama Afam: Amen
There's a lot of conversation here about Plateau being a swing state. Papa Afam said, "It could go either way." All I could think of after this was the bisexuality of the state. Is there something wrong with me? To be honest, APC and PDP might as well be different genders.
23:17And that's it for tonight guys. They've literally just called it a night, after doing half the work! Holy Jehoshaphat! As a result of their tardiness, it's cloudy with a chance of violence.
Stay Safe. Happy Days.
Afam
