Life as a Blonde: Afam the Super Saiyan

 Let us imagine for a second (or even a fraction of a second) that I did not change the colour of my hair for the good of those less fortunate than I. For those of you who wonder about the nature of a man who would alter the good work done by the proclivities of genetic exchange and God (or whoever you believe might have put us here, The Big Bang, L. Ron Hubbard, Thetans etc.) let it be known that the hair has helped raise £886 for the benefit of the Ellen MacArthur Trust who do such great work that the very thought of them fills my heart with equal parts of cheer and sorrow.

Now where was I? The problem with digressing is that I often forget where it is that I was. Yes, I remember now. For the sake of entertainment, let us assume (like so many have already assumed) that I, Afam being a man-child didst most solemnly conclude that my so brown it looked black mop of hair was dull, drab and so wholly uninteresting that it was tragically unworthy of a head as spectacular as mine.

My head is truly a thing of wonder. The circumference of my forehead is so large that I often think of selling it to Vodafone or British Airways that I might pay the debts I have accrued over the course of my life. It is not an easy thing for Champagne to live off Cider income.

If this explanation doesn't suit you then you can imagine that I, Afam recently became a SUPER SAIYAN.

The Dragon Ball Z Character, Goten as a Super Saiyan

Me (Afam). One thing you must learn about the nature of Super Saiyans is that they are incapable of doing anything without screaming. In any given 20 minute episode of Dragon Ball Z where these Super Saiyans appear, you are guaranteed at least 15 minutes of screaming.

 Skip ahead to 3:54. I have no words.

At first I was rather ashamed of my head. I'm sure that the bulk of you are surprised that I who drink too much, talk too loud and am undoubtedly and incurably addled can feel shame but Super Saiyans are people too. We cry sometimes when we lose our voices. In those early days I covered my golden tresses and considered shaving my beard.

Even though I was fairly critical of it I didn't quite like it when other people were

Enter Afam and G-Sama

G-Sama: Fam, what have you done to your head?

Afam: (Cringing internally) How good of you to notice old chap. I bleached it.

G-Sama: Good Heavens! I almost mistook you for Djibril Cisse, Dennis Rodman, Chris Brown, Donald Ofik or some other such character.

Afam: Did you now? You compliment me so.

G-Sama: Did I strike a nerve?

Afam: Who knows? I do not believe that I have any nerves that can be struck by you.

G-Sama: Guffaw! Is this a temporary thing or is it the new you?

Afam: It is temporary but I have heard a lot of good things about it from my friends so I might keep it.

G-Sama: The devil is a liar! You mustn't listen to them.


You see, the people that go out of their way to tell me that they don't think it's me, or it doesn't suit me or that they don't like it, inspire a mini revolution inside me. I desire nothing save the power to break all chains that bind me. Furthermore the colour of my hair has got everything to do with me and nought to do with anyone else so as long as my head doesn't grow Medusa like snake heads and bite anyone in the buttocks reserve all comment lest I give you a strict lesson in the good of charity. I am in the spring time of my youth and as such, dyeing my hair is the least permanent, least damaging thing I can do. You must remember that I, Afam am only two scores and two and I have no tattoos or piercings, so cut me some slack.

Being blonde has filled me with such flights of foppishness and dandyism that I am incapable of stepping into the great outdoors without looking like anything but a spectacle. One of my famzers, Chiz saw me on campus and exclaimed while gasping for breath, "OOOOOOOH that boy is so scandalous"

I agree. #AfamForTheLadies

Happy Days,
Afam