Notes on the killers, Bruno, the gym and spanx... for men

The gym is an increasingly popular place in today’s day and age. I know it’s a little odd to say today’s day and age and not this day and age but I like the sound of it better. Coincidentally Day & Age is an album by the killers that I often play in the gym.

Where was I? Yes. As the world generally becomes as self and image conscious, as it is unconscious, the gym has grown increasingly popular. Very soon, I fear that there will be no one left with a distinctly average physique. People will either be slim, fit, toned and ripped or morbidly obese. You cannot criticize me for this, as it hasn’t happened yet. Even if it doesn’t happen in the next 50 years there is still a chance that it might happen. However if the world should end, and we find that it hasn’t happened then I apologise for misprophesying .

I’m being really bad today. I apologise. This is long winded, even by my long winded standards. I find this funny. Only God knows what has become of my sense of humour. Because I seem to be unable to focus today, I’ll launch right into it.

Men, there are two rules that you must absolutely obey when dressing for the gym. These rules are:

· NEVER GO COMMANDO!!

· EASY ON THE TECHIE GEAR!

I’ll start with the first rule, the never go commando rule. For the sake of simplicity, let’s call it the NOCO.

To go Commando means to allow your man parts free dangle in your trousers or shorts. (By man parts, I mean the parts that specifically make you a man. The source of your testosterone and your children)

Surely you can see how this is problematic. Say you went Commando in a pair of shorts and decided to use the treadmill. This will ultimately lead to a windmill of Bruno sized proportions. You’ve seen the movie Bruno haven’t you? You know what I mean don’t you? If you don’t, google “Bruno windmill” or “Bruno movie windmill”. Or say that you decided to do some sit-ups on the mat. I won’t even describe to you what will happen. If you do not know what I’m talking about, stop reading and leave! Just go. This isn’t for you.

With the emergence of sweat wicking body clinging technology some of us have been guilty of going to the gym like we intend to compete in the tour de France or run the 100m with Usain Bolt.

The problem here, is that everyone knows that you’re not. If you were you wouldn’t be in that gym, you’d be in another. As efficient, comfortable and slimming as they are, I suggest that you restrict yourself to one visible item of under armour per outfit. Of course you must keep in mind that underarmour is quite like latex paint. It will show those love handles and muffin tops if they are there.