The title of this article was rather unabashedly stolen from the Nicki Minaj song Starships, where she sings or raps or rap sings (I can't say what it is that she does exactly, I'm not expert. And even if I was, it's really difficult to analyse or assess something that has been so thoroughly autotuned, that I imagine that the sounds that come out from my headphones could have started out as farts) "Let's go to the beach each, let's go get away." I'm a little bit cross now. You see, before she released that ghastly song, I could say "let's go to the beach" quite comfortably, but now, every time that I say "let's go to the beach", the statement is accompanied with thoughts of Nicki Minaj and her gargantuan bottom. I, Afam, am of the opinion that anything larger than a handful is wasted. You may quote me on this.
Anyway the title gives this one away really. There are really no surprises to be found in this one. I went to Lekki beach. I wasn't particularly excited when I found out that I was going, and I didn't plan for it either. I don't usually go to Lekki beach. But hey, I'm writing a weekly column called Things to do in Lagos so why not.
So where's Lekki beach you wonder. It's in Lekki, which is a rather good bit of Lagos... Well, it depends on where in Lekki you are. Lekki can probably boast of the most exposed human shit in Lagos. I'm not messing with you. Shit isn't something that I joke about, and when you've got a dog that's got a penchant for human poo, each walk turns into a little bit of a shit finding expedition.
By human shit, I mean shit lying there, in the middle of the road. It isn't buried, and it certainly isn't tucked away in a bush. Most of the time it's just there on the sand. I think it's charming really. I'm writing a business plan centred around shit - a shit tour of Lekki.
To get to Lekki beach you turn right off the Lekki express way at the fourth round about and drive straight down. It isn't really a drive per say, as you have to drive through a mini market to get there, but that's the "African flavour" so whip out your camera and take pictures. When you go back to wherever you're from you can be like, "OH MY GOD!! Look at all the poor people I saw in Africa. They were selling stuff, ON THE ROAD!! They didn't even pay any attention to the car. I felt so UNSAFE! I've never felt so unsafe in all my WHOLE ENTIRE life, but that's why we were part of a convoy with three trucks full of armed policemen."
ps. I hope I don't need to tell you what it was that I did there. I don't really like it when people misunderstand me. I don't like, typically use a lot of like, because I'm like well spoken and stuff, and like that isn't very well spoken. It kind of, sort of says, that you can't string a sentence together, but who am I to judge? I drop commas, like I drop hot amala (This is a local delicacy. It's made from a flour that's made from the skin of yams. We don't really waste food here. If there's something that we do not eat then it's inedible. And that's why I sometimes call my dogs, my emergency food supply. Don't judge me, I'm part Calabar - people from Calabar our rumoured/known to have a craving for dog meat. HA HA... inside joke. I'm not sorry.)
By Lagos beach standards, Lekki beach is actually pretty decent. It's loads better than this beach
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| Those are the dogs. The beach is filthy, I know. It's probably only about 400 metres away from Lekki beach, so it's pretty remarkable that Lekki beach is clean. Don't fool yourselves, the cleanliness of Lekki Beach isn't some miraculous occurrence. |
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| That's not actually Lekki beach, that's Elegushi beach, and it's 200 metres away from Lekki beach. I know that's a little strange, but Lagos isn't exactly logical, so it makes sense here. Anyway, you catch my drift, and if you haven't yet, you're an idiot. Guys like this one pick up all the rubbish that the ocean spits out unto the sand. So, the next time you go to the beach and don't leave a sizeable tip, feel bad. |
Where was I? Yes, Lekki beach is pretty decent as far as Lagosian beaches go. They sell some really good weed there too. While I cannot personally confirm the goodness of the weed, as I don't smoke weed, the slow responses and far off dreamy looks that the people smoking were giving, was more than proof enough. They said that the particular brand of weed that they were smoking was "skunk" and it's supposedly rather cheap.
I didn't go alone. I went with these guys and a very nice bottle of lemon flavoured rum.
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Let's get down to it shall we? What's there to do at Lekki Beach...
You could ride horses, or have your kids ride horses, or pose with the horses. Just think about it. You could forgo the sore bottom and crotch that come with getting your nuts rammed into the saddle repeatedly and just have the rest of the world believe that you rode the damn horse! How cool is that? #Instagood.
You could also watch other people ride horses. It's fairly interesting, or at least I thought so at the time. I was fairly tipsy so I wouldn't trust my judgement on the issue.
You could buy costume jewellery and stuff. Interesting no?
Lastly and most importantly, you could enjoy the scenery. It is beautiful at twilight there.
Is it worth your while? I can't say I don't know what your while is, but it's definitely better than doing nothing and complaining that there's nothing to do. So go to Lekki beach. Take a few friends, and a bottle of Jack. It won't be the worst thing you've ever done. #DrinkResponsibly
Happy Days,
Afam
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