I know I'm a little bit late with this. I just read that article in Tatler. You know Tatler don't you? It's a High Society English magazine that's mostly more fluff than substance. I'm not throwing any jabs here. God knows we all need a little fluff every now and then. Just this morning I read a rather amusing and quite brilliant article about Jennifer George and her adventures with her puppy, Geoffrey at Puppy Training school. How extraordinary! Read it too if you like.

http://www.tatler.com/news/articles/puppy-training-blog/puppy-training---lesson-three

But that's not the article this article is about. This article is about an article titled, The Nigerians have arrived. It's a brilliant read. That sort of well researched writing makes me green with envy. Well done David Jenkins. You did a splendid job. I can't say how the article was received by the High Society uber posh ladies in London, but it did not go down well here in Nigeria. No, it didn't go down well at all. People thought it was sarcy, and condescending, and it was. There was nothing flattering about it and maybe that was what made it so brilliant.

How else are we to write about the wealthy from a country with a population of 170 million, 70% of whom live under £1.25 a day? Wealth is vulgar. Money is distasteful. Even if you've worked hard for it, you cannot deny that fortune smiled on you, and not the man on the street next to you. That's why the discerning rich act modestly, and give back generously. What was he supposed to do when Kessania Edewor-Thorley who hasn't shown any concern for the conditions of the Nigerian child, or Octopus, or Egret, or Cattle, or Global Warming or the Bengal Tiger, says that for Moneyed young Nigerians in London, it's Cirque du Soir on a Monday, 'that awful place Dukebox' on a Tuesday and Loulou's on a Thursday. And what was he supposed to do when she said 'so everyday's a champagne day. It's not, "It's your birthday!" It's "You got back from work day! Let's party!"' And what was he supposed to do when the people he's speaking to are alluding to £10,000 nights when they were teenagers? And when Rotimi Alakija was admitting to knowing of a £1.1 million champagne war by Nigerians at a club in the States? And when Vedelago said that he wants to buy a Porsche to go to the gym?

While the article was plenty snarky, it really wasn't snarky enough. It's one thing to have someone else write about you, but it is another to provide the firewood for your very public roasting. The saddest thing is that they who have been roasted probably don't know that they have been roasted. Or maybe they don't mind being portrayed as crass. If Richard Vedelago minded, he wouldn't have been loving the damn thing up all over his instagram.

Happy Days,
Afam

So I went to MMR. Yes, you know that already don't you? If you don't then stop, and click on this link... http://www.theramblingsofamadman-afam.com/2013/12/music-meets-runway-summary-of-my.html.

Okay. Yeah. We about to get a little hot and sweaty up in hurrr. Ladies let's go! Soldiers let's go! Is that the intro to that Pussy Cat Dolls song? Yeah! Am I ashamed of myself. No. I like me some Nicole in the Afternoons. This is the only afternoon delight I've been getting so you'll have to bear with me. Speaking of which, have you seen Anchorman 2? I need to. Anyway, today I'm going to tell you what the peeps wore to Music Meets Runway. I apologise if you're famous and I didn't take your picture. I don't care a lot about fame you see. The celebrity phenomenon confuses me here. Why would I want to ball like Don Jazzy? Don't you think that's under dreaming? I want to ball like Dangote!!!!!

I know it's a little bit late, but I've been busy, and tired and stuff. And I've been recovering from something that happened to me the other day. It was a very scary thing that happened. I think I might have PTSD. Anyway now I don't like electrical appliances of any kind, and gardens. I hope this passes. The Afam household garden is a fantastic one. It's too fantastic too not frolic about in.

Isn't it pretty? It's all thanks to the folks at Omar Gardens. In that shot, I'm wearing my Walt Disney hat, a topman tshirt, T M Lewin suspenders/braces, American Apparel trousers, and TImberland boat shoes.

  And we'll begin with a bang!

You remember him from Fashion Week don't you? Handsome dude, Denola Adepetun. When I woke up that morning,  a certain chap I call Balthasar the Bear told me that this fellow would be there. It was then that I made a note to take his picture because he's fairly consistent. He always looks good, and it's never too forced. Maybe the gold shoes are a little bit forced but they don't detract from how awesome the suit is. I want that suit. I'd wear it differently, and I'd probably be smashed off my face when I did but even I can't deny that this is pretty snazzy. I don't know what he's doing with his face though. I'm sure he practiced this smile in the mirror. While all of that's good and great and butterfly snatch his legs do make me laugh a little. It's always good to see a chicken leg comrade out there. I think the suit's from Asos. Budget fashion everyone. You don't have to splurge on a Mai Atafo suit to look good.

Taking pictures of people at these things is quite like picking up women at a bar. You have to separate the one you don't want from the one you want. This picture made me think that I might need a photography wingman. I'll ask my mate, Deji Joseph when he joins me in Nigeria. He's doing a masters in something businessy at the moment. He's my personal photographer. Every chap needs one.

I don't particularly like what the one on the left is wearing. Is that a tag sticking out of the hem of her shorts? Work it! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle! Hard. We've done it haven't we? Well I haven't because I really don't tend to spend a lot of money on clothes, but I don't judge. I quite like the one on the right. A backless dress on a slender figure kills every time. I don't know what I think about her make up though.

And again... The one on the right's name is Shalewa.

Here we've got Jumoke Raji is a sparkly number. For all its sparkles it lacks a certain punch. I'll just come out with it. That dress is so boring it's about to make me narcoleptic. However, she does look quite nice in it. I like her red nails. I don't think she was familiar with the concept of posing.

She's lovely isn't she? I'm not going to wax lyrical about her beauty because while she is pretty, she's only appropriately pretty but not astoundingly so. I like her face. It's the face of the girl next door. It's approachable and relateable and that's probably why she's so good at her job. Exceedingly good looking people are alienating.

The thing you don't know about Stephanies dress is that while it looks modest it isn't. It's got a legend of a slit on its left side. I'm not kidding! It literally goes as high as her armpit! It would have been the perfect "Oh no she didn't" or "Err Ma Gerrd Ah just saw errthang" moment if she hadn't worn a black minidress underneath it. Clever girl!! The dress is a Jill Sanders one, and she accessorised with Jimmy Choo jewellery. She's dressed well for someone who presents a style show on television. Most of those people tend to go over the top at these things.

Hello, meet Staphania. It's not glamorous at all, but I love it. She could have woken up like that. I like people that don't try at all. How great is her body though? If you have a body like this, this is how you should dress. Yes! Show it off! I also like the goth chick make up.

Alek Wek!! Whaaat! How hot is she? And that dress! Errr Ma Geerrrrd! She stole the room. I would pay a million bucks for her personality. No, I'm kidding. If I had a million bucks, I'd fill my room with it and stare at it.

These ones tried a little too hard.I would only wear what dude is wearing if I was drunker than Santa Claus. We all know that Santa is an alcoholic right? It's obvious. Could she sit down in that dress? I don't think so. Ah it's Ghastly! Ghastly I tell you. I have a dream, that the dress would KILL ITSELF. That's how horrendous it is. I hate it so. And the dude. Gah! Pah! I can't make words anymore. NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!!! You'd be better off naked... On second thought no... wear a burlap sack next time.

This is Princess Thomas. I love the dress, but the shoes are despicable. Isn't it obvious that that dress is meant to be worn with flats? Come on! Anyway her personality makes up for any style gaff she made. And her smile! The thing could light a bulb. She's also got a very good mouth for kissing. I'm going to move on now. I think I have a tiny crush. But I shall be released shortly. Anne-Marie is here...

Here we have Kunbi Oyelese. She's a designer. Her brands called April by Kunbi. She looks like a million bucks here. I do wish she was wearing some strappy sandals instead, because strappy sandals make everything look better. I know it may sound like I'm being picky, but a woman like her shouldn't look like a million bucks, she should look like ten million bucks. I mean look at her! She's beautiful in that wholesome natural way. Maybe if the dress had been a different colour... It's good, but it could have been brilliant. I like that she didn't wear a necklace, and I like her tiny shiny clutch.

Alek Wek again. That's a Lanre Da Silva dress.

This is Mariam A, and she's weating elegante by wq. I think it's a half smoulder here guys. Where do they teach this half smoulder? And why haven't I learned it yet? You see, I'm trying very very hard to become a selfie king like some instavillains I follow. Well there's really only one selfie king on my instagram and that's handsome dude, Denola. When I first followed him, the high number of likes on all of his pictures made me positively green with envy. Wait let's get back to Mariam. Yes I quite like the dress. It doesn't do wonders for her figure, but she does look good. I suppose the thing is that she's owning the moment. She isn't unsure of herself. She's worn what she's worn and she knows why she's worn it. I like it. I like it a lot. She was lovely too.

Ehem yes, where was I? I'm becoming a little bit of a selfie king myself. I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of them but I'll use every bit of myself for the blog. My face isn't a bad looking one. In the right light and with the right filter, and at the right angle it's a jolly handsome one. Some people like looking at handsome faces, so I'll put up a picture of my handsome face on instagram so you maybe wonder who I am, and check out the blog. This is my idea of a good selfie...

Yes, this is the guy critiquing your looks.

Okay let's go back to the matter.

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. This outfit is everything! The suit! The murse (man-purse)! The John Lennon aviators! The Brooch! It's all much too much. I can't deal with it. It annoys me. This man doesn't need a stylist he needs an editor.  And the suit doesn't fit properly.

I love the clothes but the jewellery is a little off. I can't tell you why there's a cuff on her arm. I suppose she was trying to toughen up the outfit, but some things aren't meant to be tough. I adore the skirt though. Yes, it's all pretty great and banging.

I love this. It's simple. It's easy. And she probably won't smell while she's in it. SomeThat's what I think about when I see women in velvet. Velvet in Nigeria? What sort of deodorant do you use? Because it must be some good shit. There's nothing forced about this.

Ah! These ones! They're my friends from Manchester! What Wurrr They Doing There? Well Zephia invited them down for some of the Lagos Rockeez. We over rock in Christmas. I've got three parties today. I will be victorious. Anyway how lovely they look.

In a weird perverse way, I like what dude is wearing. It's one of the things I might wear if I was going through an identity crisis. I would wear that shirt though. I know it's see through but I gats the abs for it. Or I will have the abs after another bout of the insanity. I've let myself go a little, but no worries, I'll be beach bodying off! in the New Year. That means I'll be beach ready everyday because the bod will be banging. As for honey, it's an okay, the world is okay moment. She's got a Lolita vibe. It weirds me out a little bit. The red socks are incredibly sexual without being sexy. Maybe they'd be sexy if I had a sock fetish, but I don't, at least I don't think I do. The dress is way too short. And what's going on with her make up? Brrrrr I'm going to move on now.

Here we've got Yung from LOS. I followed him on instagram but he didn't follow me back. VILLAIN. I kid. I don't care. I care. He has a stylist. He was styled by Zed-eye. It's a rather photogenic outfit. I like it. I wouldn't wear it though. It's a little too cool for me. I hope you know that I'm not cool right. I'm the furthest thing away from cool but that's cool too. I'm awesome

Gurrr on the right! Yeah! You! In the silver! Why the why are your socks dirty. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning so I won't bother with sentences for this one. I'll limit myself to shouty words that may or may not make any sense together. SLUTTY. WHORISH. INAPPROPRIATE.  CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. LOLITAS. VIDEO HO. NIGHT JOB. ALL THAT GLITTERS... GOLDEN GATE, SILVER TONGUE, DELILAH. MASQUERADE. GET THEE BEHIND ME. WHY? The why is the easiest part. They worked for Dollhouse, a new club that I haven't been to. It's somewhere in Lagos, but I shan't google it because I'm not sure that I want to go. It gives off a strip club vibe, and I don't like strip clubs. OrI don't like strip clubs in Nigeria.

Here we have Jennifer Olize. That's a little bit of a sexy dress you've got going on there, Jenny-Chan. The dress is stunning for her. It shows her body off to great effect. She's celebrating her curves. Now if this woman tells me that plus sized women are beautiful I'll be the choir behind her. But as I've said again and again, when your muffin top has a muffin top get yourself to the gym and stop saying that your size is normal. This is true for men and women.

Dude gets it. He just does. It shouldn't work, but it does somehow. I'd wear it but I'd wear different shoes. Shoes with laces that aren't boat shoes annoy me. I have brogues too, but I feel like they were made for kicking people and things. That's a good thing too. People are disgusting. They should be kicked. He's Faminu Akin

HOT LIKE FIRE!!! Ah yes! This is my favourite form of Christianity. I look at beautiful people and I thank my maker for making them. I didn't speak to her much so I can't tell if she's got a beautiful personality too. If she did it would be unfair won't it. If you don't think she's hot go away. It's my blog. It's all about me and my opinions. I will be the barrister of her face.  Okay. I lost myself a little there. She's magnificently turned out don't you think?

The black dude is Sound Sultan. Dude which tailor did you have make your suit? Behead him and then slap yourself. Look at those sleeves! Are you wearing your father's suit? And the hat is unnecessary. He looks like a pimp. I don't think he minds too much so everyone's a winner I think. White dude obviously doesn't care about any of this, and so I shan't bother with him. He's anti fashion and it's great.

Here we've got Tobi and Zephia. :)

GUFFAW!! I'm sorry but dude on the left is wearing the trousers of a pervert. His groin is staring into my soul. I need those things. They're so offensive! I'm starting to question my taste level. I like weird things. It works you know. Say what you will but what he's wearing makes sense. #eyesofthetige r#immakingeyesatyou #ireallymeanmypenis... I could go on. It makes me happy. What he's wearing makes me happy. He obviously has a brilliant sense of humour. Dude on the left is okay, but why the why does he have a hanky sticking out of his pocket. It's a little bit gross no? They're Iceberg Slim and Trafic of 323 entertainment, I can't say I'm surprised.

Here we've got Anne-Marie. I can't say a bad word about her. I have her number now. I'm going to text her in a bit. I think she looks like a darling. And she's incredibly sweet even though I deserve none of her sweetness. I suppose she's a bit like Jesus in that way. She dispenses sweetness by the bucket load.

The CEO dancers before they went on stage. I was such a fan boy! I was like, "Ezinne, Soliat!! haw are you doing?" And they were like, "Who da WHo is this? And I was like, "My name's Afam! I'm your biggest fan" and then they let me take the shot. While they were running to the stage because they had to dance during Dbanj's bit of the concert runway bonanza.

Like the dress , despise the shoes. But I hate the picture. I really must learn to take better pictures!

And here we've got Dede Bosagie. She's a darling this one. I've said it time and time again. I'm a simple man, I like simple things. It doesn't get any simpler than this, so it's lovely in my eyes.

Seyi Shay and friends. Gurr on the left, anyway you look at it, that dress is too short. It's a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. I find myself hoping that you wore underwear that day, or that you did brazilian wax because hair down there is apparently gross, and if it's going to get photographed as you leave the car before you get into the club then you should make sure it looks its very best. On to Seyi. I love her Reni Smith dress. It's maybe a little too dressy for MMR but I'll forgive her.

That's the same dress. It's like something from a dream. I'm not sure it's meant to be worn in real life though.

I love this image. They're all so stylish and goodlooking. I love it all the way down to the multi-tasking fingers of dude in the middle.

It's certainly dramatic. Other than that it gives me nothing. Delphine

She tried a little too hard I think. The thing on her head is much too much for anything. Ene Maya

Soliat of the CEO dancers. I think she was a little mad at me here. Look at her pursing her lips looking away from me. Soliat, don't run away from me, I want to get to know you more better. If you call me out for using more and better together, you're a moron.

She's so fresh faced and pretty! Ezinne of the CEO dancers. I know the dress is a little baggy, but it drapes so well!  It gives her a darling figure.

BADONKADONK

It's pretty but the stank face she's giving me is killing me. She's the boogeyman and she's coming to get me. When the boogeyman is as pretty as she, I don't mind. I'll leave the key outside for her. If you know her tell her to make sure Papa Afam doesn't see her as she sneaks into my room. If he catches her, we'll be married the next day, and I can't have that.

I really like this shot of the republic of foreigner girls, Selina and Carmen Sutherland. Do you think they have British Passports? If they do, I'll pop the question to one or both of them. The green passport I've got is chafing.

twinsies. I do quite like what they're wearing so yay!

Selina's wearing an ROF shirt and a skirt that she has. She doesn't remember where she got the skirt from and I feel her on that. It's a lovely ensemble. Very chilled. Very her. Is it weird that I can tell who she is even though I don't know her at all. This is what I love about fashion. When it's done right it's a brilliant form of expression. Of course not everything needs to be expressed. For instance, I pick my nose when I think no one's looking. It's a ghastly habit. You didn't need to know that. It's the same way I don't need to know that your a confused depressed human being going through a midlife crisis. Keep it between you and your therapist. Carmen's wearing an ROF dress too.

Here we have Orire Omatsola of Re Bahia killing it in all white. I love the practicality of it. She didn't pose. She's on the phone, and she's holding a bottle of coke. It feels original. She's wearing Re Bahia here. She looks great.

Lastly we have Toke Makinwa... Is she wearing velvet? Her big hair distracts from the top of the dress. I cannot tell you whether or not it was pretty because I didn't see it. I'm not feeling it. And by that I mean it's doing nothing for me. Her nails need to go. She probably stole them from a gargoyle. There isn't much about this I like to be honest. It would have been better if she'd only worn the bag. I think she needs a new stylist.

from left to the right... HELL TO THE NO!!!!!! WHAT DA WHAT IS HE WEARING? IT IS AWFUL. IT IS AWFUL AND I SAY AGAIN IT IS AWFUL. I do quite like how he's worn the shorts and leggings/long johns but I hate camouflage. It's as easy as that. Let's move on to the guy in the middle... I hate it but I love it at the same time. In fact I hate that I love it. Is that a leather jacket in Lagos? sweaty much? Guy number three did well. I have to say that they look good together. not very good, better, best.

I'm not much of a photographer, but I do want to take pictures of this dude. I'm too shy to ask him, so the next time I see him, I'll just surprise him with my big daddy DSLR. How's that for a Shangai surprise. The lady next to him is Ore Runsewe. We went to Uni together. I was a little scared of her. When she frowns, she looks formidable, and I only ever saw her in the library and she was always frowning so I never said hello. This was obviously before I became Afam. I used to be some other uninteresting, scaredy cat of a man, then I changed my name and I became awesome. She's really quite nice in person. I like the easiness of what she's wearing. If I were a girl I'd wear that.

The lady in the centre is Fade of the Beat fm. I don't like the dress that way. Maybe on a different girl. And maybe if it were styled differently. That dress is an easy dress. You can't dress it up. You must only wear it down.

This is how lipstick should be worn. There's this guy I follow on twitter... Fidoskibaba... He has a thing for lipstick, so I'm going to send this picture to him.

I can't. I just can't. I suppose she looks pretty. That's enough isn't it? I will add that her bum is a Dbanj dikoko bum, and that means that it is pretty spectacular.

Let's talk about those earrings. They're Chanel. They are tiny. The normal Nigerian wouldn't have worn Chanel earings, they'd have worn that lego Chanel bag just so everyone would know that they were wearing Chanel.