How to survive the hunt for a new barber

A man's relationship with his barber is sacred, but every so often we men must cheat on our barbers. It's an incredibly painful experience for a man to go through, but when you know, you know. I was with Sam at Nail Studios in Lagos for more than 15 years before I met Simeon.

When I turned 21, I realised that Sam still cut my hair the way he had when I was 10, a number one all around, no shaping. This was the moment that I knew that i would have to leave him. I was ready for a change but Sam wasn't willing to give it to me. It took me three years to gather the strength to leave.

After I left him, I toured the wilderness of Lagos looking for a new barber but I was unsuccessful at finding one. The hair cuts I received were so bad that I was inspired to write the following article, to guide you through the process of leaving your old barber for a younger more adventurous one. As with most adventures, the first few attempts are often misadventures.

Let us begin.

So, you've decided that it is time to get a shape up, a change up, or your regular haircut, and for one reason or the other things didn’t turn out quite as expected. Your barber decided that you needed a new hairline in the centre of your head.

You may not have known that your haircut was terrible, but your boss told you that he was considering signing you up to be the newest masquerade at his village’s New Yam festival. Don’t worry. All hope is not lost. These are a couple of things you can do to avoid carrying the ultimate, “something is not quite right with that man aura” until your next trip to the barbers.

Shave it off:
Hair grows. Every moment that abortion of a haircut continues to be on your head is a detriment to both you and good society. Your reputation may never recover from it, and for the rest of your life, people may ask how well your football career’s going even if your line of work hasn’t got anything to do with football.

Spare yourself the embarrassment and take it all off. You don’t need to go full on Boris Kodjo on anybody, just level it out. If you’ve gone and carved your girlfriend’s name on your scalp then you have no excuse. By the time the sun punishes your head for a few days, you'll see the light.

Hide it:
Hats aren’t just for fashion or style. They’re brilliant for covering all horrors that have to do with your head. If you’re a chap that’s never without a baseball cap then you really haven’t got anything to worry about. If you’re a corporate cat then option 1 will have to do. A hat in the office, no matter how suave will only earn you a meeting with H.R.

Blame it on the B:
Cover your ass. You didn’t cut your hair yourself. Your barber did it to you. Lay the blame on him and promise to get a new one. However this doesn’t really work, because you shouldn’t have been napping when he was doing his snipping. If the abortion of a haircut was your idea, then you may want to consider going basic for a while. Kill the innovator in you and stick with the regular stuff. You may not look like the coolest person in the room but no one will mark you as a possible sex offender.

Grin and Bear it:
Before you jump the gun and have your barber imprisoned for crimes against humanity, or shave it off, you may want to think again. One man’s terrible is another man’s cool. If the odds are in your favour, your haircut may make the improbable journey from the former to the latter.