One of the places we went to a lot this holiday was 355. It isn't the greatest bar in the world but it's guaranteed to draw a decent crowd. If you've got some place to be at 10 or 11 it's a brilliant place to begin your night. A double gin and tonic is N1,600, which is fairly decent when you consider that we got the same at Cova (the club on the top floor of Mega Plaza) for N3,000 on Friday.
We went to 355 last week Wednesday aka the last Wednesday of 2016 and it was lit. There weren't so many people that the bouncers grew presidential sized balls and started running the door like the mafia, but there were enough bodies that it was impossible to dance without accidentally grinding on or with someone else. This is what we call a decent crowd.
So what the what happened at 355?
There are two versions of the answer: the long and the short. The short version is that we met Tammy from the We Just Got Back Podcast. It's the best Podcast about Lagos life out there with a decent amount of time spent on a subject that occupies the minds of many a twenty something in Lagos: getting laid/knacking/straffing/ shooting a shot/ flinging the light sabre. If we were being boring we'd call it sex, but we can't remember the last time anyone in their right mind described sex as sex. There's always a new more exciting adjective for the activity. We also met John Boyega of Star Wars fame.
We started the night with a roadie: a bottle of coke augmented with copious amounts of Hennessy. Pre-drinking is necessary when you're essentially earning a beginner's salary. Those are really only good for petrol and weekly drinks at budget bars. If you're thinking about saving and being social forget about it. The only way to save in this climate is to sit at home and stick to the indomie diet. And even then, you can't eat more than 6 packs of the stuff per day. If you're feeling exorbitant you can add an egg once a day. Any more and you're a bottle of ogogoro (the cheapest alcohol available) living on a beer budget.
The moment we walked in we heard a tall pretty girl scream, "Afam!" Now we were taken aback because while Afam had told us that he was once a mini celebrity or something like that, we didn't quite believe him. He turned toward her and basically jump hugged her like she was an over sized teddy bear. Because he's a rather short guy, his head only came up to her breasts, but he hung on to her like she was an over sized teddy bear anyway.
Enter Afam and Tam
Tam: Afam it's so great to meet you!
Afam: You as well! I saw you at the Eat Drink Festival but I was to annoyed from the stress that it took to get there to say hello.
Tam: You should have! Come on! We're like old buddies.
Afam: You have the right of it but I have a question for you.
Tam: Shoot your shot!
Afam: Is your vagina fixed now? Last I heard it was broken.
Tam: We thank God. It seems to be working properly.
Exit Afam and Tam
This is one of the reasons why we don't like taking him anywhere. He's very likely to embarrass anyone he hangs out with because he's rather weird.
After milling about and half dancing for some time we saw a guy in a hat walk in. He looked dangerously familiar but we couldn't remember where we'd seen him. The one thing about him that struck us was that his skin was chemical peel fresh. There wasn't a blackhead or pimple in sight. Afam left us for a quick word with Bayo Oke-Lawal, then he came back and said, "Dudes! That guy in the black hat is John Boyega!"
"The star wars guy?" I asked, pulse racing, visibly shaking, and a split second away from a sprint to his table.
"Do we get to meet him?" I asked again. Afam laughed and said, "I'm not sure about you guys, but I probably will. I've got the connections."
That basically killed the night for us, so we stood there until Afam went to meet the biggest Nigerian in entertainment, John Boyega.
He walked up to the table, shook John's hand, held onto it for far too long and they exchanged a few words. When Afam returned we asked him what happened and he let out a very long sigh.
Enter Afam and John Boyega.
I walked up to him with all sorts of questions in my mind. I spent like a month of my life sending emails and tweeting at him and his team because I wanted an interview. I didn't think much about the interview, truth be told I only wanted to meet him. I have a thing about meeting successful people because I think good luck is contagious. When I actually grasped his hand like a drowning man clutches a straw all of that went out of the window. I stuttered and said, "H-h-h-o-oooo-w are you doing?"
"I'm good thanks. How are you?" he said it with great concern. I was about to say, "I have the worst cold man! I feel like I'm dying!" But I remembered that he was holding my unwashed hand, and I shut my mouth all the way up. Instead of informing him that he was probably going to get sick in a couple of days, I said, "I hope you're well"
"I am thanks." He said with a smile, and I walked away.
Exit Afam and John Boyega
And that my friend's is how the world's biggest idiot, Afam, met John Boyega and failed to get anything of use from him. I mean the chap didn't even get a selfie. If we ever meet him again, you better believe that we'll be walking away with a quote and a selfie.
Happy Days,
Troamteam.
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