Showing posts with label CELEBRITY. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CELEBRITY. Show all posts

Is Davido a Car Addict? Minor Bell ringing in head.

10:25:00
Another day, another sign that Davido is a probable car addict, compulsive shopper and recession teflon. Yesterday, the star prompted several melt downs when he bought yet another extraordinary vehicle for seemingly no reason at all. I heard a woman in the gym succumb to a bout of complaining as a result of it. 

What a legendary photograph. Standing on N83 million. If I had that much I'd build a cash altar and do thanksgiving by myself. 

This one is N33 million. That's what most people are reporting but how would I know? If I go to a Benz showroom I'll have a stroke and die. 


In the middle of her squats she wailed, “This Davido matter is really weighing heavily on my spirit. In two weeks he’s spent over N100 million on cars. Now, I’m looking at myself and I can only shake my head. What of me? Do I not work hard? I work very hard but where is the money? If it is here I can’t see it. Today, I spent N 2.2 million buying $5,000, and I felt good about myself, then I heard about Davido and I felt useless.”

All of this begs the question, how many cars does Davido actually need? If he continues at this rate he’ll have an expensive vehicle for everyday of the month! Now I don’t have any problems with this. It’s his money and he isn’t in any sort of political office. Furthermore, musicians aren’t known for their wits so we can’t expect the young man to know very much at all about a little concept called saving for a rainy day. But still, we’re in a recession and inflation is murderous. Would it kill him to chill a little?
I suppose money really is funny when you've got this many dollars. That's how his cook will be relieving him of a few notes at a time and he won't know. Old chap, won't you put it in a bank?
Another person who could do with a chill pill is Kcee. Yesterday, Linda Ikeji did the devil’s work when she posted a picture of him holding a Louis Vuitton bag bursting with dollars. Underneath the picture he said, "Shut up! I'm still making the money in bags. Keep talking while I keep balling. God is greater than we all.” He’s since deleted the picture, but it doesn’t reduce the loudness of the but why question that’s ringing in my head. I suppose this is because over the weekend a couple of charlatans smashed the window at the back of my very humble Toyota and took my hair clippers.


So please guys, I know money is sweet, but times are hard and your people are petty. CHILL!

Happy Days,
Troamteam

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Cool fm's Freeze says Go forth and Masturbate... We will! Most of us already do!

15:17:00
I woke up to an imessage from Afam that said: "You probably shouldn't go to work because you're currently a cesspit of disease and that's putting it mildly. With any luck you'll take the day off and write like your life depends on it."

He was right. After a late contraction of the Harmattan flu, I'm convinced that my body is almost entirely made of mucus. I'm sick enough that leaving my bed today is an unrealistic dream, but I'm not ill enough to not work. I've got a jug of lemonade, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a cup of Jinseng tea beside me so don't worry. I have it on good authority that this is all you need to beat the flu. 

As interesting as my battle with the plague is we'll have to abandon my battle with the flu for a more interesting topic: Freeze and Masturbation. 

Freeze is an on air personality that I simply have no time for. If I had one wish it would be that he'd shut up. I do not wish him well, I do not wish him the best, I wish that he would put a sock in his mouth and leave it there. His mouth runs on the devil's bile and SPEED. It spews rubbish and nonsense with such regularity that his address should be the dustbin. However even the most villainous villains in all the land are fated to have at least one good day every decade, and it turns out that his happened rather recently. 

Enter Afam with an editorial interlude

Easy Tiger. Even though Freeze appears to speak without much thought with worrying frequency it is far better to be polite to the point of rudeness than it is to be straight up rude. For the record this errant thought and probable symptom of Jack Daniels induced liberalism is not my position on Freeze or the blog's for that matter. It's simply a man calling it as he sees it.

Afam out!

The whole thing began when a young man asked Freeze if wanking/beating the baton/stroking the disco stick was bad. And he asked this because he's probably been going at it like a crazy sex addict. He even asked about sex toys, which is fairly alternative when you're Nigerian. 


When I read the question which suffers from far too much arse kiss, I thought Freeze would say something like, "Don't masturbate because that's how the devil ties the destinies of men in his enormous calabash." But the OAP surprised me. In a rare display of common sense, Freeze said that it was probably fine and that God would probably understand. The first reason he cited was health. It has been proven more than once that men who empty their sperm banks almost daily are less likely to develop prostate cancer later on. The other explanations he gave were a little wonky. 

He implied that because boys aren't getting married at 13 like they did in the time Moses, and because men no longer have thousands of concubines, it's okay to masturbate.

I mostly agree. In Lagos I'm almost completely celibate. If I didn't have my right hand helping out from time to time I think I'd go mad! I'd walk into a bar, see something that looks like a girl, get down on one knee and propose instantly. Christianity says that adultery and fornication are bad, and that's fair enough. Somehow, doing it on my own seems like the lesser evil.

Happy Days,

Troam team. 
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Cos' Angelina and Brad are no more... Take some words

23:46:00

Source: Wikimedia Commons/Georges Biard

I'm a little too interested in gossip. I would feel guilty about it if the same weren't true of most of you.

I was sitting in the car, miserable at the fact that my twenty minute drive home from work had somehow turned into a scene from a disaster film. The Lagosians on the road today drove like they were fleeing some great non-existent calamity, forming lanes where there were none, and swerving like they were avoiding rivers of lava. When I got to the end of the traffic, I was shocked to discover that it had no rhyme or reason. There was traffic simply because there was traffic. There was no accident, or bottleneck or police checkpoint. This is one of the many reasons why I say that no one is capable of understanding Lagos. In Lagos, madness is so common that I do not think that any are unafflicted.

It was in the middle of this great inconvenience that I heard the news that Angelina Jolie had done the unthinkable. She'd filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, citing irreconcilable differences. It was a thing I believed impossible.

Hand on heart, I believed that they'd be together till at least one of them died, and maybe not even then. It seemed unlikely that people as pretty as they would ever do themselves the disservice of parting.

Hollywood has proved itself again. If Brad and Angelina can't make it then I do not think that we should expect any other couple to. They seemed to be there for each other through thick and thin. She loved him when he lost his looks, and he loved her when she lost the things this misogynistic society would call the signs of her femininity: her breasts and her ovaries.

The flames of love that originate in that city are so fickle that they're unlikely to last even a second. I suppose it is a shame that they are now the couple that loved and had that love end with a document that says, "No! Our differences are too irreconcilable for me."

Happy Days,
Afam
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Where in the world is Demi Lovato, because Africa isn't a country.

19:37:00
Reblogged from http://voixmagazine.tumblr.com/

It is about time that the conversation about Africa changed. The conversation has been so ill informed that an unbelievable number of people still present Africa as one country, and not a continent with 54 countries.
On the 14th of August, Demi Lovato, the ex-Disney Princess and current American pop sensation tweeted this:

Now, I imagine she meant well, but could she not tell us where in Africa she was going? And if not that could she at the very least not have added a building or a person to her collection of frogs, caterpillars, cattle, monkeys, snakes, elephants, tigers and the sun? From her tweet, one can easily infer that she expected to be shown a sprawling savannah with an amazing outcrop of rocks where Rafiki was in the process of officiating Simba’s naming ceremony. I’m sure she was extremely disappointed when she found that not only did the animals not hold a party for her arrival, but that there couldn’t possibly have been any tigers in attendance because there aren’t any tigers that are indigenous to Africa. 
And what of after she hopped in the plane and flew to “Africa”. Surely she’d know where exactly in Africa she was as she’d have looked at her visa because believe it or not there are no “African” visas but no, she didn’t, so she still doesn’t know where in Africa she is. And no, I’m not making this up. Why else would she tweet this?
If Demi, a rather wealthy, reasonably well travelled 21 year old American is so ignorant, then what hope is there for the rest of them? I can hear the excuses forming in your heads. You think I’m reading too much into it don’t you? But wouldn’t you think it odd if I landed in Paris and said “Am I seriously in Europe right now?” 
As the lifestyle and health editor of Voix, I will attempt to change the conversation or at least contribute to it. Contrary to public opinion, or at least the opinion expressed here, there are buildings and people in Africa. When I say people I don’t mean wildlings roaming about in loincloths, I mean people doing things that people do everywhere else. I can’t speak for the whole of Africa (because it’s not a country), but I can speak for Nigeria (one of the countries in Africa), and I didn’t spend Friday night running away from an imaginary tiger. I went to a nightclub. It’s a decent nightclub as far as nightclubs go. And please don’t imagine that it was in a hut, and that we made music with animal skin drums, and bamboo sticks.
 So Demi the next time you tweet, please let us know where the devil you are.

Happy Days,
Afam
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