I fear I am cursed. In the early hours of the morning I was forced to endure bedraggling levels of fuckery and buggery that left me scratching my head in shame. If you recall, I did myself the favour of watching Heartbreakers starring Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt. I never thought it possible, but I seem to have bested myself.

You see after the incidents of this morning, I sought to forcibly raise my taste levels by reading a piece of literature so well renowned that it would wipe away the blemishes left by my cravings for rubbish and hopefully leave me with a new craving for the finer things in life (artistically). With this goal in mind I turned to Netflix for research. Right up there on the list of things I should like was an adaptation of The Importance of Being Earnest and Educating Rita. The first of these is an adaptation of a play of the same name by Oscar Wilde and the second is a relatively modern retelling of Pygmalion. I will discuss the latter later.

Armed with mild curiousity and the knowledge that I shall be reading the play in the near future, I embark on the task of watching the film (There may be Spoilers). The script is light and witty, the cast   formidable and skilled. The Director however, is rather heavy handed. The script is so witty and sharp that there is no need for so many scene changes. I found it a little distracting. Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian and Jason Best of the BBC hated it. They hated it so much that they both described it as a collapsed souffle.

In my opinion a collapsed souffle can be just as tasty as an upright one, and this one certainly was. I guffawed for half an hour. Such intense levels of faffery should be banned. Towards the end I could hardly take it, there was revelation after revelation and each one was funnier than the last. I have never seen Colin Firth act so foolish in role. If you combine this with the epic script your left with a something so spectacular, that no words in my vernacular, could describe this grave event, I was dumb with wonderment (Surely I don't need to reference Moulin Rouge?)

Below are some of the lines that I found remarkable:

Algernon Moncrief: The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she's pretty, and someone else if she's plain. (So TRUE!!)


Miss Prism: The good end happily and the bad unhappily, that is what fiction is. (When speaking about fiction to Gwendolen Fairfax)


Lady Bracknell: I have always been of the opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?
Jack Worthing: I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
Lady Bracknell: I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delecate, exotic fruit. Touch it, and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did it would prove a serious threat to the upper classes, and probably lead ot acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.


Jack Worthing: How you can sit there eating muffins when we're in this terrible trouble, I can't make out! It seems to me to be perfectly heartless...
Algernon Moncrief: I can hardly eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs.


Lady Bracknell: Are your parents living?
Jack Worthing: No I have lost both my parents
Lady Bracknell: To lose one may be described as misfortune, to lose both is carelessness


Lady Bracknell: At their age the idea is grotesque and irreligious, Algie I forbid you to be baptized!!


Lady Bracknell: The general was essentially a man of peace except in his domestic life.

Happy Days,
Afam.

Last night I had the singular pleasure or displeasure of seeing the disaster that is Heartbreakers (2001) starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sigourney Weaver. If you keep on reading I can't promise you that there won't be any spoilers as I continue to talk about this delightful mess of a film.

It's a classic tale told in a demented fashion. A mother, daughter team goes around conning men into marriage and divorce. I hope you're not thinking about asking about the point of this. Heck! I'd do it if I could, but it's too much effort and I haven't got the temperament for it. At the end of the first fake date I'd be seen declaring my undying love and affection from the top of my trusty Toyota Corolla and admitting that I wept when I saw the following films:

• Brave-heart
• Gladiator 
• Grave of the Fireflies (Anime)
• Moulin Rouge
• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
• Never Let Me Go
• The Time Travelers Wife
• One Day
• The Notebook
• Up
• Bambi
• Goodnight Mr Tom
• The Lion King
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and;
• The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.

The movie is a romantic comedy, so you know that both the mother and the daughter find love in the end. To give you a fair idea of the fuckery I endured I took the time to transcribe some quotes from the film.

William B. Tensy: If it is at all possible can you slap her around a little bit? (When speaking to the cops after asking them to take his housekeeper away.)

Jack Withrowe: My friends have this theory that i'm in love with you? (When telling Page/Jane/Wendy/Allison that he's in love with her. He is the definition of a fool. The saying, a fool and his money are soon parted has never been more applicable.

Page Conners: Shut up mother (Explains mother-daughter relationship perfectly. It is also important to not that Paige Conners is a Conner... A brief pause for laughter.)

Max Conners/ Olga Yevanova: You know how the Lord feels about having men in hotel rooms.
William B. Tensen: Not when the man orders oysters, champagne and room service.
Olga weeps
William B. Tensen: No worries I didn't charge it to your room.
(Olga was trying to extricate herself from a tricky situation by using the timeless excuse that God is watching.)

Max Conners/Olga Yevanova: If you marry me i believe that puts kipposh on deportation. (This was said to William B. Tensen.

At the end of the film two questions came to mind.

1. How did I sit through this calamity?
2. Does the fact that I enjoyed it make me a moron?

If you do end up watching it I assume that you will ask yourselves the same questions at the end because I am the definition of normality.

Happy Days
Afam