If you're in Lagos and in need of both a haircut and a drink then there's only one hot spot for you, Bar Bar. Yes, it's a bar that's also a barbershop. It sounds unsanitary but it isn't. The barbing salon and the bar are mutually exclusive.

Located in what can only be called the Lagosian idea of a strip mall, this place has everything. Manic Pixie DJs that go by Aye, tall men, short men, questionable men, posh men and feminists. You're also quite likely to see me, Afam, half man, half myth, and recovering alcoholic.

With free shots available depending on who you know, it's the place to go if you're drinking on a budget.

At Barbar you can dance like a dervish without fear that anyone's watching because no one is. The people that go here are almost uniformly selfish in that they care only about their good time. They mind their business and wind their waists, which is always and everywhere a good thing.

PS: Beware of the fantastic beast and madman Faratu for he's been known to hang about there. If he takes control of your night be aware that you have entered one chance. You'll wake up at 4pm the following afternoon with no memory of what happened the night before.

Happy Days,
Afam

If you're pre-diabetic and in the mood for a party fit for vampires of cake and calories, there's only one club in Lagos for you. Velvett. Not to be mistaken for the fabric that you only see on Lagosians who have a definite love for sweat patches and body odour or velcro, the reason I nearly murdered my last tailor.

Opened in the Harmattan of 2014 by the fatter, older, infinitely blacker, less hair having, but just as single Nigerian version of Russel Brand, the restaurant cum bar cum nightclub can be found bang in the middle of Lagos' Little Lebanon (it's definitely little something vaguely Middle Eastern. I can't tell where exactly. That A I got in my Geography A level clearly had a great impact on my life.)

This place has everything: A cash money stealing ghost that's taken up permanent residence in the drinks menu, vibing and vibalicious Afropolitans, shooting stars, the 30 year old guy that failed to adult (we love him anyway), and the impossibly beautiful girls of the yet to be formed theatre and dance troupe, Ruffles R Us.

As far as I know, this joint is utterly devoid of bouncers because they drove off in DJ Cuppy's new G-Wag. It does however have a password: I will chop your money like wan-tin-tin.

So run on down this weekend. It's lit!

Happy Days,
Afam

  
It’s a random weekend in October, with no great holidays and absolutely no great events. I do not doubt that many of you Lagosians are looking for something to do or at the very least somewhere to go. While both of these things are similar people in Lagos seem to prefer the latter to the former. Anyway, if you’re chronically addicted to stress, and in need of a sip, I know the place for you. The hottest club in Lagos at the minute is Sip.

The bouncers here are retired orcs from the now concluded film series the Lord of the Rings. They’ve traded in their pointed ears, and bad dentition for inconclusive pregnancies and a notoriously irrational door policy. Be that as it may there is reason in their madness. To get in you must apply the scent of corruption and old age, Eau de Chairman without reservation. If you cannot, then you must find it’s cheaper and infinitely more accessible cousin, Eau de Future Chairman, but that has no guarantees.

Built from the ashes of a sadomasochist, this defunct meat locker has everything: Bob’s your Uncle, Nigerian promiscuous daddy, exposed arm pits, ruptured ear drums, and the widest age range of aesthetically pleasing people you’re ever likely to see in the city. Although this could be my alcohol goggles talking.  

Found in the middle of Lagos’ centre of Excellence, it is the only club that is as busy outside the gates as it is inside the club. So head down there this weekend if you’re a hippity hopper with a penchant for beating afros. Standing and sitting are guaranteed but dancing is decidedly not.

If you’re a fan of the obese franchise, Fast and Furious there’s only one place for your nightly meanderings and Hennessy parkings in Lagos, and that’s Nitro. Club owner, Otunba Red Light has built a neon paradise from nothing but radioactive strobe lights, manly musk and the discarded pieces of the always coming back to life villain of the Transformer cartoons and films, Megatron.

This place has everything: exchange students from the premium strip club university down the road, Silver Fox, pyromaniac lighter fiends, small chops, Rihanna’s birthday cake and the answer to the question is that the pussy that Donald Trump grabbed? The answer is usually no. The last time I went there it was a cockfest; which is what happens when all the cocks fest for anyone who doesn’t have a cock. The number is typically more than one but no greater than six.

With all of this going on it is quite possibly the best club in Lagos. DJ Looking Hungry and Hype Man, Snap-Ma-Pisho form a musical partnership so strong that it renders all who go there near epileptic… but then again that could be the lack of a warning that exposure to flashing lights at the Nitro intensity can trigger seizures.

So come on down this weekend. The experience of paying for a long island iced tea that’s actually a vodka cranberry will blow your mind.

If you're into perversions of an oriental nature like Hentai and Octopus pornography the hottest club in Lagos is Lotus.

The club promoter is the cross between a Lebanese pangolin, a Jamaican swordfish and a Toyota, but he's got nothing on the architect. That one is a master of drunken technical drawing. He imported a cell from Guantanamo Bay and turned it into a haven for skinny biscuits, fat cats, obnoxious turtles and stanking skunks.

Found in the sky of one plot China Town, this place has everything: beached whales, little red riding Temitayo, rainbow beer on tap and the spectacular bar tender Airconditioning-can-just-like-to-decide-to-mess-up-anytime.

Head down there this weekend. Instead of bouncers and passwords, all you've got to do is gain the approval of a bamboo shisha pipe. She isn't half as discerning as she is hot.

Happy Days,
Afam

If you're looking for a place to get gassed this weekend then no filling station will do, I've got just the place for you. Lagos' hottest club for all smokey adventures is Vapourssssssss.

Located on the island's mainland this random convention is the creation of the perpetually high interior designer, We-Ain't-Got-No-Ventilation.

When you walk in head straight to the Bauna - a bar which is also a sauna, and order a Champ-Vape; You'll literally watch as the stuff drifts up everybody's nostrils but yours.

Be that as it may, this place has everything: A bottle factory, midget shaped chairs, cupid fountains, at least two members of the almost famous boy band DRB dressed in a bong costume - they're both the pipe, and your future son.

Join in the fun on the dancefloor and you'll bust a move to the truly spectacular sounds of DJ Dead Sauce and light skinned Idris Elba. I all but guarantee that you'll never have a better time in the city.

Happy days,
Afam

Source: Gidilounge.com

If you're looking to get numerically done in this weekend, Lagos' hottest spot is three hundred and fifty-five. That's a three, a five and an extra five.

Inspired by the collective mind fart of New York's Time's Square and a negative budget, this lounge is managed by a bespectacled prison warden who specialised in potions at Hogwarts before being expelled for dabbling in the dark arts.

Their wahalarita is so toxic that it'll have you, on the brink of disaster without knowing for certain if you're a mouse or a nymphomaniac mouse with a penchant for Malborough Reds.

This place has everything: green fairies, no fewer than 20 commenters from bellanaija.com and that fat mainland guy that no one invited.

So come on over! This weekend, they're having a tournament game of Wiz - Ojuelegba or Tekno - Pana.

The bouncer is the ram that you didn't kill this Eid and the password is Big Cassava.

Happy Days,
Afam