What? You doubt my good looks? Is my coat not lustrous? Is my colour not splendid? Do my eyes not twinkle? Is my posture not a wonder to behold? Afam himself declared that there isn't an adjective that could possibly describe my muchness. I am pure bred; the progeny of champions and I am treated as such. Even among privileged dogs I stand uplifted. But it was not always so. Before I met Afam, my prospects were grim indeed. Had he not intervened I might have become a lowly guard dog, as opposed to the master of external affairs of the Afam household. Yes, I have done well for myself. It's kind of you to say so.
I was brought into the world by the exertions of my mother. The moment my nose breached the confines of her body I knew that leaving it was a grave mistake indeed. I was assaulted by the acrid smell of burning diesel and some loud noises. Worst of all I found that I was destined to compete with 15 charlatans and scoundrels for mother's attention. I was depressed.
My mother, an evil bitch if there ever was one, was very wise. She knew what was good for pups, and had an even better understanding of what was good for herself. So she withheld the greater proportion of the milk for the strong pups and left the weak ones to starve. It remains a marvel that she did not eat us. Furthermore I felt the things, they latched unto me and sucked. Night and day they sucked. I didn't think anything of it for my brothers and sisters had them too. My mother and her owners were alarmed at my undoubtedly disheveled and scrawny appearance. They did not bother to name me for they felt that my fathers in the after life would perform the task adequately. They conspired to profit from my misfortune. As my untimely end approached, I was displayed before the masses with the hope that someone would buy me only to have me expire a short while after. But my God is a miracle working God. I was picked up by a man who I now call Papa Afam as a graduation present for his son Afam (this Afam had just graduated from high school).
Afam taught me that there was such a thing as love at first sight. He looked at me with those big brown eyes of his like I was the most handsome thing in the world, like I was all he could or would ever want, like I was the sum of all his desires. It was then that he carried me like Rafiki carried Simba and christened me Captain Reginald first of his name Blackdog of house Afam. His proclamation wrested me from the grip of that other place. He personally removed the things I'd eventually come to know as ticks and fleas from my coat. I never had to walk, for I retained a permanent position in his arms. We showered together, ate together and slept together. Even though we aren't as close as we once were I remain assured that his love for me is indelible. This is my testimony.
Afam has been through a lot since we met. There are times that I could not be with him due to insurmountable barriers, but now that he's back with me I will not relinquish him.
It has come to my attention that Mama Afam is conspiring to see him paired off with another. I detest this. Why should he be paired with another when he already has me? I know that Mama Afam and I have never really got along (I may have sniffed her buttocks a few too many times for our relationship to be repaired) but separating me from Afam is downright cruel. I, Captain Reginald, the current head of external affairs of the Afam household command all parties involved to Cease and Desist! You do not have my leave to discuss the issue. You do not have my permission to arrange Afam's affairs. He does not need to be matched. I will find him a suitable match at the appointed time and not one moment before.
Captain Reginald
No comments:
Post a Comment