Notes on Summer flings: The Importance of Dodo (Fried Plantain)

Fam,

Summer's come round again and I'm trying to rectify my errors from last year. I'm trying to remove that black mark against my name in the love department. You may or may not know that I have been chasing a particular female for some time now. Even while adventuring and Bunburying up and down town she was never far from my thoughts. When I played harpoon the whale (I recommend this game whole heartedly) she remained in my mind somewhere inbetween the harpoon and the whale. I try to remain professional and aloof when I'm around her, just like all the books say. I try to radiate the quiet confidence of Joe Black in the movie Meet Joe Black, I try to exude the charm of Hugh Grant, because that guys charm borders on twattishness. It's not right for a man to be so charming. Lastly, I try to embody the pretty boy looks of Chris Hemsworth, this is extremely difficult but I power through it somehow.

Whenever I'm around her I tighten the buttocks, push out the chest, suck in the tummy and assume a perplexed but cute, worried but strong, sexy but shy, pretty but deep, aloof but keen look on my face. Much to my surprise this has not worked. I have also tried wearing my man musk so that she's attracted to my pheromones, and various mating dances. These dances are often so complex and outstanding that after any display I am escorted off the dancefoor by burly men. This is undoubtedly to keep the hoards of females away from me. While there have been hoards of women, she has not been among them. I started to wonder what I was doing wrong, but then I found her twitter account through intense stalking.

She writes and I quote, "Dodo is the food of champions. It needs to be sweet and not soggy. No salt required". If I cannot dance my way into her heart then I shall cook my way there! Will you help me?

Later,
Ogilvy.


Gil,
I trust that this email finds you well. We will have to discuss some of the things you wrote... I fear that you may be overworking your facial muscles. While you are not at all bad looking currently, I'm fairly certain that if you continue with these exertions you will lose what little looks you do have. Having said that, I am quite pleased that you've come to me with this issue for I am fairly skilled in the frying of dodo.

Cut the plantain into neat slices and put them into a bowl. Heat a significant amount of oil in a frying pan. Here I'm working up the nerve to drop the plantain slices into the hot oil. This is a fairly risky task because chances are that the oil will react most violently to the introduction of the plantain slices and burn you.

Stretch out your arm, tilt the bowl and tense your quads. The frying of plantain is an art. It requires all your body parts to work in perfect tandem.

The moment you empty the plantain slices into the hot oil, you scoot backwards. In this instance, i have scooted backwards so quickly that the very capable DSLR Canon Camera cannot focus in time to catch me.

I have just come to a stop. I quickly check myself for any damage.

I am a boss. I have escaped unscathed.

This incident needs to be celebrated by dancing the dodo dance. It's very much like the tap that dance I taught you at school. You get low, and pelvic thrust like there's no tomorrow. If done right, you will look like you're humping the oven. Don't worry about this, I'm pretty sure that the oven enjoys that sort of attention.

Now it's time to transfer the dodo to a plate. I was still high off the fact that I had not burned myself. I'm a boss aren't I? Yes, That is an apron. Aprons are important so that you can properly channel the chef that you admire. Mine's called Fregz, but yours is probably Gordon what's his face?

Dodo is best served with Corned beef sauce and a dash of ketchup. No, it's not burned. I just like my Dodo on the dark side.

I hope you get the girl this time buddy. You have endured untold levels of suffering at the hands of females. It's a wonder that you haven't become a Jesuit. We're all rooting for you. Bring this one home to the lads.

Take care,
Afam.


To the rest of you louts, Ogilvy's already on it like a bonnet. I think it's high time that you hopped to it too. You've got a little over a month till the end of summer and I know from experience that you can fit two or even three flings into this space. Don't go as high as four because too much fun is always and everywhere a bad thing.

Happy Days,
Afam.