The Unfavourable Marriage Series: Vodafone, RIM, and Afam part 1.

A very important development has developed. Can I not say that? Well, I don't really care. This important development has put a stop to my hearty Lagosian adventures. I am convinced that there are three things in this world that could never mix, and I believe that several of you know exactly what it is I am on about.

This combination, this cocktail of misfortune, this eternal quagmire is the marriage of Vodafone, RIM, and I, Afam. I'll start this tale from the end. As we speak my £55 Vodafone phone bill is two days overdue. I am fairly sure that my bill should not be £55, because Vodafone owes me money. How did such a thing happen? I'll tell you.

In April or May, while pulling off one of my many all nighters, I heard a faint voice calling in the wind.

Enter Nightly Spirit

Spirit: Afam, Afam.

I looked around and wondered who it was that whispered to me in such a lovely and appealing voice, that made my mouth water with desire.

Afam: Who's there?

Spirit: Quarter Pounder with cheese, mmm.

Afam: I really shouldn't, I mean I mustn't.

Spirit: Go large with the fries. You know we make the best fries on the high street. Don't forget to try our medley of sauces. I know that we appeal to your infinitely adventurous palate.

Afam: My palate does yearn for the unfamiliar every now and then...

Spirit: That's the beauty of it, we're so familiar but yet so foreign.

Afam: Who are you? Tell me...

By this time there was a rumbling in my stomach going boom bada boom bada boom

Spirit: When last did you get a large Vanilla milkshake from us? You naughty chap. You've been cheating haven't you?

Afam: But they're so good at Archie's, I couldn't resist!

Spirit: Shut up! we've been catering to your every desire since you were six. That should count for something.

Afam: I'm sorry.

Spirit: No matter, there's no time like the present to rectify your negligence.

Afam: Yes, I'll leave right away.

Spirit: Don't forget to get an apple pie and a Mcflurry. Also don't forget to get that cheese burger with your student card.

With that dismissal, I wakeboarded from my seat in the Library. Yes, I did this. Don't doubt me

I was in such a good mood after this conversation with the spirit of McDonalds that I went skipping very gayly down Oxford Road in Manchester with my trusty Blackberry in hand. Before I knew what was happening, I felt myself vault through the air. I landed flat on my face, and my blackberry smashed into the ground with a lethal amount of force. It ceased to work instantly and no amount of coaxing could wake it from the dead. Being a lad who's well aware of the many shits that the universe can take on a human being during the course of a day, I brushed the dirt from my shoulder and continued to McDonalds, where I ordered everything the Spirit told me to. It was a splendid meal, even if it did come at the cost of my phone.

While one cannot belittle the obesity crisis sweeping the world, one can proclaim that McDonalds in moderation is good for the soul.

After my exams I sauntered up to Vodafone and to claim my insurance. The insurance company duly informed me that I could only make a claim on accidental damage, if it happened within the last seven days. This was obviously a clause that I had neglected to read when they asked for my autograph a year and a half before. I was also informed that it would take £100 to resurrect my blackberry. I bit the bullet and asked for it to be added to my bill at the end of the month.

Two days later I realized that Vodafone had gone above and beyond the call of duty and disconnected me. I went to the shop and they said that they needed me to pay the £100 immediately. I complied. Two days later, my service was suspended yet again. I checked my account online, and it said that I owed £100. I thought, "Gosh, it's so embarrassing that the first payment did not clear"(These things happen sometimes).

I paid again. I checked my bank statement two days later, only to discover that I had paid Vodafone twice (Rookie Error). As a student who's perpetually broke, this is a deadly error. One that must be rectified with no delay. How could such a thing have happened? They had ruined my finances! I called customer service to complain about the unreasonable development and they asked me to take my private and undoubtedly personal bank statements to the nearest Vodafone shop. I swallowed down the difficult and extremely bitter pill and strolled into my preferred vodafone shop with my bank statements in tow.

The Vodafone staff then had the audacity to scan and send my very unhealthy, and unbelievably private bank statements to a Vodafone office only God knows where, to do only God knows what with. After a little while they informed me that they had located my money and that they were unable to make an immediate transfer to my bank account. Could they not see that the double debit had pulled me into my unplanned overdraft, the fees of which are £50 pounds. They then insinuated that it was my fault that I was double billed. It was too much to take. I went into shock. I couldn't even complain. Believe it or not, Vodafone still had some more buggery up their sleeve. They deducted my next bill from the money that I had in excess and promised to send me the rest within 10 working days. I left the store without any spring in my step. I was extremely deflated.

Let's fast forward to today. After their horrific treatment I can confirm that my money has still not reached my account. I can also confirm that they have not deducted it from my next bill.

A little over a month has passed since this incident.

Vodafone why have you chosen to punish me so? It must be at the prompting of some universal entity, that you decided to wield your heavy hand of corporate bureaucracy against one incomparably tiny Afam.