I realise that this blog isn't really built for fashion blogging and all the things that come with it. I also realise that I am not your ideal fashion blogger for reasons that I shall list below.

• I'm far too short and unhandsome to be anything that closely resembles a model. 
• I've got into this bad habit of pin rolling my trousers. 
• I have the posture of a 90 year old slave. 

This episode of the 90s Baby Radio show hosted by Tosan and Juanita features Tyson Noir, a young Nigerian musician who is perhaps most popular for his song Mercy.

He is an interesting subject. The music video of Mercy is so distinctly generic that I feared that I would fall asleep while I watched it. It is the sort of song that they play before the party; low impact and easily forgotten. It isn't bad by a long shot, but it may suffer for it's lack of badness. If it were truly awful, I may have given it a second look. In spite of all of this, I firmly believe that his best is yet to come. On his youtube page, he performs a rather good cover of Michael Jackson's Human Nature. It shows that he is not in fact talentless. In Mercy, he fell victim to the wicked ways of pop. Pop music will make a mascot of you before it makes you a star.

He was more successful in his first EP, Dreaming in Colour. His single off that EP, Don't Cry (Ma Sun Kun Mo O) featured talking drums in its rather catchy beat. That is one of the many reasons why it's a good idea to commit three minutes and three seconds of your life to listening to it.


Have a listen and tell me what you think: @Afam20.

Or better yet, tell them what you think: @tosanwilts and@elmo_knows



Happy Days,
Afam

One of the best things about the Game of Thrones is how large its world is. There is no way its plot cannot move, and there is no story that it cannot accommodate. This week showed us how little we know about the future of Westeros and all the other lands that exist in George R. Martin's fictional world.

If you are spoiler averse, this is where you should leave.


This episode begins with Sansa. She enjoys a less than pleasant reunion with Littlefinger. He's one of the more mobile characters in the Game of Thrones, teleporting from North to South with very little difficulty. Sansa's evolution from doormat to assertive woman has been one of the joys of the season. She suffered at the hands of the Lannisters with all the qualities of a lamb being led to the slaughter and then she endured the sexual proclivities of Ramsay Bolton. She says, "I can still feel it. I do not mean in my tender heart. It still pains me so I can still feel what he did in my body standing here right now." It is clear that she no longer trusts anyone with her future. When Littlefinger reveals his intentions to protect her, she says, "You can't protect me. You won't even be able to protect yourself if I ask Brienne to cut you down."

With those words she showed a determination to take control of her fate. She's gained a measure of power and it is unlikely that she'll release it soon. To be powerless in the Game of Thrones is to ready yourself for death.

There's a battle in Winterfell's future. At the minute it looks like it will be the Starks and the Tullys versus the Boltons. Once the armies are in motion it is not clear which families will side with whom. Loyalty is not a quality that is common in the Game of Thrones.

After her scene stealing turn last week you may have expected more time with Daenerys, but we didn't get it in this episode. All she did was order Ser Jorah Mormont to find a cure for his greyscale. He's one of the people I think the series could do without.

The meat of the episode was a surprise.The Game of Thrones delved into the far too complicated matter of time travel. At first Bran was merely an observer in the past, now he knows that he's something of a catalyst. He knows that his words and actions in his present could have some sort of impact on the events that we now consider to be part of the canon. If the present and the past that leads to it, are likely to be changed or corrected, then there really hasn't been any point to the series.

God knows that I didn't watch five seasons of The Game of Thrones to be told it was all a dream.


Happy Days,
Afam

You learn the best lessons from the unlikeliest places. My partner, Mariam and I were sat through a lecture about punk music, hoping to get a story about how the spirit of punk is still with us, even though the music is not. One of the speakers said something that amounted to this:

To be successful, you need talent, ambition, luck, work ethic, and business taken care of. Of all of these, talent is the least important. Ambition and a good work ethic are obvious things to discuss when people talk about success, but people often disregard the importance of luck. You see, luck is more than just about divine providence. It is mostly about being personable. People who cannot relate well with others will more often than not find that they are unlucky. Luck is not something that is imposed on you. Luck, like most things in life, is almost entirely dependent on you. You either make it, or you break it.

People also underestimate the value of having business taken care of by someone other than themselves. Success is rarely ever brought about by the efforts of one person. It takes a team. It needs support to be achieved.

While you're thinking about all of that, here's my week in review.

The Blog:

This week I published 9 articles, and I wrote 8 of them. I know that I can do better than this, so I'll work towards that. I know that my time is limited, so it's all about making better use of the time that I do have. If there was a big announcement it would be that I've joined the four digit twitter club. Yes, I now have 1000 twitter followers, and it feels nice. Followers, subscribers, and users are a sort of currency when you do what I do.

In other news, I've set up two new tabs, the film tab, and the podcast tab. There'll be more in the future.

There's also a new website in the pipeline, and by pipeline I mean that I am thinking about actually paying someone to design something that's more attractive than what it is now. If you'd like to do this for free, then please send me a shout out. I'll become your best friend overnight. 

The best thing on the blog this week
Judging the work on the blog isn't the easiest thing to do because I can't possibly be objective about it. If I had to choose it would be the article about Azealia Banks, and I think the vast majority of you would agree. It is the thing that you read the most. 

What was hilarious
There's an article on a blog called Ugotalksalot.com that straight up killed me. It's called the conspiracy theorists guide to understanding Lagos heat. I didn't expect to laugh as hard or as loudly as I did. And I can't say exactly what it was about it that made me cackle like a witch on drugs. I won't spoil it. You should do yourself a favour and read it. If you don't laugh, email me, and I'll write you an apology.

The Book

I started reading Born on a Tuesday by Elnathan John. It's one of those stories that transports you. You stop judging the writing and you start breathing the words. In this book he creates a world that is compelling. Like most good worlds in fiction, it is funny, it is sad, and you never know what detail's going to creep up on the next page. I read it on the tube, and in bed. I'm only half way through, but I've been reading it for long enough to know that it is good.

The Music
This week belongs to Rihanna. She performed spectacularly at the Billboard music awards. There isn't much more to say about it. I didn't know that she had that performance in her, at least not live.

THIS WOMAN JUST FINDS WAYS TO MAKE YOU LOVE HER MORE AND MORE THIS PERFORMANCE IS PERFECT @rihanna #BBMAs https://t.co/Fk7JQWDs1W

— mama africa (@thatgirlsalina) May 23, 2016

The Films
I saw Xmen Apocalypse. It was a troublesome watch. It is two hours of content that I do not believe that I needed. After it I was left feeling that I had seen all I needed to see. Watching Neighbours 2: Sorority rising the following day was its tonic. The former was so heavy handed that it was depressing, and the latter was so light that my feet didn't touch the ground as I walked to the train station, and the train didn't touch the tracks as it transported me North. I live in a part of London that I find intolerable.

The blog that isn't mine that I read and liked
That honour, if it is an honour, goes to abikeayeye.com. She's funny in a matter of fact way that the best Nigerians are. She has a dream, that one day, Nigerian toilets will no longer need to have a bucket and bowl in case of incase-ity. That's a tweet that she wrote and her blog offers more of the same. If you're ever in need of a quiet chuckle then abikeayeye.com is the place for you.

Happy Days,
Afam

Like 1.2 million of you, I joined Tidal a month ago so that I could listen to Beyonce's Lemonade as it was intended. I watched the hour long video, and then I played her album in its entirety repeatedly. It's been a month but there has not been a day when I didn't listen to Sorry and flip the finger.

For those of you who do not know what Tidal is I will tell you. Tidal's a music streaming service owned by Jay-Z's company, Project Panther. 

After I'd listened to Lemonade, I did not leave. I thought that I would leave before the 30 day free trial was over but now I'm not so sure. I depend on music far too much. Before Tidal, I relied on Soundcloud and Youtube, and before that I had my hard drives. Three laptops and several crashes later my once formidable collection has been reduced to nearly nothing. Tidal with its impressive sound quality, larger than expected database and curated playlists was like oxygen for my music deprived soul.

I cannot tell you why it is better than its competitors. It has been years since I thought to use spotify, and I am still a virgin when it comes to Apple Music. But Tidal has captured my heart. While it proves sufficient I will not seek another.

There is one niggling problem though, and that is the £9.99 subscription fee that's due on Monday. I do not believe in paying for things when there is a cheaper alternative. Apple Music now offers a student rate that costs half as much as Tidal does, and I won't even have to pay that immediately because the first 90 days are free.

It isn't good to let money get in the way of a blossoming relationship so I reached out to Tidal to ask for a discount. There is no shame in living within your means. If you can't keep your pennies close, then you have no hope of holding on to your pounds.

@Afam20 There isn't a discount avail in the UK at this time, but stay tuned for updates!

— TIDAL Support (@TIDALSupport) May 16, 2016

It is with a heavy heart that I bid the good people at Tidal goodnight and goodluck. It is unlikely that the @Afam20 twitter account will grace your service this year. But don't worry, I have 8 twitter accounts that you'll become aware of in time. To fail to take advantage of a good deal is to say no to life. I don't plan on saying no anytime soon. @Don_Quixote21 will be enjoying you next.

Happy Days,
Afam

A couple of my cousins, brother and I decided to see X-Men: apocalypse on opening night in Lagos.  Any Lagos cinema goer would tell you that Marvel movies are big business here and trying to get tickets on opening night at the Palms would be an exercise in futility seeing as we all work and are not that die hard.  We settled on the 11.15pm showing at the Film House cinema in Surulere. I am a die-hard Film House person because the bants are quite frankly unparalleled.

We were fortunate to sit next to probably one of the biggest fans of the franchise.  He was absolutely enraptured and proceeded to give is a blow by blow of every single plot twist, character development or possible future dialogue that was relevant.

 He reminded us that Erik lost his parents in Auschwitz, that the monster in the box had to be Wolverine with loud gasps of ‘OSHE, GET IT!!!!!’ 


He was by no means alone in his excitement.  We all know the cast of X-men very well and know what other franchises they have been in.  We all also have probably watched every previous movie. Why else would we risk our cars being stolen in Surulere by watching a movie that late? I digress.

There was a LOT of clapping when anything major blew up or occurred (so like the entire movie).  A crowd favorite had to be when Erik’s secret son took the biggest punch of the movie as well as single handedly rescued everyone from Dr. Xavier’s school.  The crowd LOST THEIR SHIT screaming!!!!

My personal highlights throughout the night include…. ‘ERIK DON’T YOU KNOW HE’S YOUR SON!!!!’ 

And ‘GO SANSA!! GO YOU PHOENIX!!’ by a lady in the back
And when Stan Lee showed as he is wont to and someone said ‘Baba we missed you!!!!’

And not to mention in the end when Mystique was rallying the newly re-formed x-men someone yelled ‘DON’T YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT THE HUNGER GAMES, RELAX!’ 

I cried with laughter.  I couldn’t even be annoyed at the interruptions. They were bloody imaginative!

We didn’t wait for the end credits… cos it was 2am and it was Surulere.  I’m entirely game to watch it at another site though.

I'm thrilled to present the 90s Baby Radio Show, a fairly new weekly podcast series that I have nearly nothing to do with.

Ardent readers of the blog will remember Tosan Mac-Wilshire. When I met him I wrote the following:

" I was quite frankly astounded at the ferocity with which he transported his ample body up and down the arena. He was a sight to see. His moves brought tears to my eyes. I thought, "With moves like those who needs game? Here is a lad who will do well in the wild!" That was until that "your waist" song came on. He moved his waist rather abominably."

The DRB Lasgidi Adventure

 The show's hosted by Tosan and Juanita. It's a podcast that appears focus on the new school of African creatives. Subscribers get the privilege of listening to rather good interviews with the best of the Millennial Nigerian creative people. There's also something a little nostalgic about it. The 90s aren't coming back, but it's nice that there's a team committed to giving us weekly reminders about why the 90s were so great.

Like most podcasts that I like there is an ease to it that is refreshing. It may seem like your standard radio show, but it isn't. I too was deceived by the seemingly common format that it follows, until they asked one chap called Duks Arts the last time he had sex. My jaw dropped and my brain froze.

It was at that moment that I knew I had to become an avid supporter. If I support them hard enough, then they'll interview Tee Billz and ask random but well timed questions about his all too public meltdown. I can't trust anybody else with the task.

Brief side bar...
Tosan and Juanita, if you ever get Mr Tee of the Billz variety on your show please ask him the following questions

• Who is edible catering?
• What pills are you taking?
• How often do you see your therapist?
• What mental illness do you have?

My questions may seem incredibly bothersome, but they're necessary. We need to have more discussions about Mental Health in Nigeria, and there's no one better than the most public example of mental health issues to lead us in them. After Tiwa told the world how he practiced a certain type of disappearing magic on her money, it is unlikely that he'll find it easy to manage another musician. I believe that his next career move should be to become the face of mental health in Nigeria. 
 
In their first episode, they interview Boj.

For those of you who don't know who Boj is I'll tell you. Not very many years ago, there was a boy band called DRB. Boj is the Beyonce of DRB. I blogged about a song that they did here: What a Jam! - Selecta

Have a listen and tell me what you think: @Afam20.

Or better yet, tell them what you think: @tosanwilts and @elmo_knows

Subscribe on Soundcloud now because if you're only just reading this, it might be too late. Do that stitch in time. Save nine.

Happy Days,
Afam

In Lemonade Beyonce asks, "what are you going to say at my funeral now that you have killed me?" In the album her question is directed at her lover, but in life it extends so much further. It is what I ask when I consider that I may be killed for the colour of my skin, or my African beginnings. My words may seem paranoid, but they're not. When you're a minority, this is your reality.

At the PEN America literary gala, J.K Rowling said, "I find almost everything that Mr. Trump says objectionable. I consider him offensive and bigoted. But he has my full support to come to my country and be offensive and bigoted there. His freedom to speak protects my freedom to call him a bigot. His freedom guarantees mine." 

His freedom of expression may guarantee hers but it does not guarantee mine. If I were in America, I am fairly sure that I'd be one of the people that made the effort to protest. I would go to a rally with a placard, and yell things that I know to be true. He wouldn't pat me on the back and tell me that I was merely exercising my right to run my mouth. 

He would say, "get him out. Try not to hurt him.  If you do, I'll defend you in court. Don't worry about it." That's what he said at a rally in Michigan as a protester was escorted out of the venue. 

If I tried to storm the stage, I would be beaten till bloody and given medical treatment outside while anti-muslim rhetoric and swear words sailed above my head. 

Donald would then later say, "that's what we need a little bit more of."  

And if I planned to throw a tomato, he would say, "If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously."

These are not hypothetical situations that I've dreamed up to make him look bad. These are words that he has said. Some people may say that he was merely speaking, but that's a lie. He was asking people to harm me because I dared to disagree with him. His freedom of speech does not guarantee mine, it places me in acute danger. His words become the fists that punch and the legs that kick.

There is a difference between speaking freely and inciting hatred. It is my belief that Mr. Trump does the latter. If he were to come to the United Kingdom and say that Muslims should not be allowed here, some idiot would take his words as a call to action and strive to forcibly delete everyone that he believed to be Muslim.

When J.K Rowling defends his freedom of speech, she doesn't see that while his words do not count as a threat to her but they do threaten the safety of other people. And this is why she is wrong.

Happy Days,
Afam

I can't think of anything that's wrong with having a Baby Mama. If I could afford a baby, I'd probably have ten so that I could be called the father of many nations like one 2face Idibia. It shows a complete dedication to furthering the cause of humanity, religion or legitimacy be damned.

And it's in the true spirit of one of God's first commands. He said, "Be fruitful and multiply." And you have. So welcome to the league of extraordinary fornicators and happy accident causers. As far as I'm concerned, having a child is always a good thing.

You won't be the first, and you won't be the last. There are many that have come before you and they seem to be doing fairly well.

There's Flavour, who burst on to my radar with the song, Nwa Baby. At the time I didn't know that he was so commited to the horizontal Sawale that not even the physical perfection of two beauty queens would make an honest man out of him. And we'll never be able to say that his 2 chil'ens come from the shallow end of the gene pool. #FlavourIsTheWinner

If you're young and looking for a Baby Fatha role model, there's Wizkid. He performed the One Dance with one Sola Ogudu, and that led to the birth of a bouncing baby boy. They called him Boluwatife, and there's never been a more appropriate name than that. It means God's will be done, and it was done spectacularly.

If you aren't there treating all the women in the world like they're your baby growing farm, I've got the perfect example for you. After dancing the Shakitibobo for a good number of years with his long time girlfriend Aisat Suleiman, Olamide decided that it was time to make a baby. When he did, he called it Maximiliano, and the world said thanks a million Maximilian.

Then we've got Obafemi Martins and I must tell you, he's as talented as shooting goals as he is at scoring sons. Three women, three sons, he's really every African father's dream.

Concluding this infinitely short list is Davido. He Skelewu'd Sophia Momodu 21 months ago and now he's got Imadu. She turned one last week, and he looks to be as happy with her as he is with his career.

Burna Boy, there really isn't anything wrong with being an unmarried father. Sometimes, one poke is enough for success. It was the same with your music was it not? You made Like to Party, and the party of your life began. If you're unsure that the new embryo is yours the paternity test is for you. With the way you seem to be going there'll be another one soon enough. So welcome to the Baby Fatha team in advance.

Happy Days,
Afam

When you hear of the film, Queen of Katwe, you think of Lupita Nyong'o. You think of what she wears, and how she carries herself and the lilt that she has to her voice. She sounds musical and exotic in the way that only those who are products of more than one country can be. You almost forget that an extraordinary woman lies at the films heart. A woman that is perhaps even more extraordinary than Lupita. Her name is Phiona Mutesi.

A short documentary about her begins like this.

"My father died of AIDS when I was 3 years old. My mother could no longer afford to pay my school fees. It was very hard to not be in school. I was in the slums alone. I did not have hope, then I discovered chess. My name is Phiona Mutesi. I am the junior chess champion of Africa."

It is a story that has the makings of a legend; that a girl with nothing in the slums of Katwe could make so much out of so little. Even better is that it's an inspirational film that is made for us by us, given reach by the sheer scope of Disney. It stars Lupita as Phiona's mother, Madina Nalwanga as Phiona, David Oyelowo (Selma), and Ntare Mwine (Heroes).

You may not understand what this means so I will explain.

Life wasn't hard growing up. We were more comfortable than many Nigerians or Africans could dream. It was its own form of magic. I did not know then that I had the best of both worlds. The heart of Nigeria with the comforts of the west. You could tell me about London and I'd smile and say that I had been there. You could tell me of snow, and I'd tell you that I had touched it. But I could also tell you of empty fields and tadpoles. I could sing songs of cholera and hustle. The only part of my childhood that I can fault is that nothing was made for me. I was an outsider.

When I watched Cinderella or Angels in the Outfield, I was somehow aware that I was not there, and that those stories were not for me. When I read Enid Blyton, I was a Gollywog, and when I read C.S Lewis, I was not Peter or Edmund or Lucy. I was not a faun or any other fantastical creature that we met in the Chronicles of Narnia. I simply wasn't there. There was no place for being young black and African.

I was however on CNN. I had AIDS in South Africa, I was starving in Somalia, I had Ebola in Congo, and I lived in a slum in Nairobi. My culture was corruption and death, and I looked up to General Sanni Abacha, one of Nigeria's more famous dictators by default.

You may ask about the things we made for us; of Nollywood. But all I remember is Nollywood was even more terrifying than Carrie or Scream. The fear of being turned into a goat, or sacrificed to a spirit for money ran deeper for me than the fear of a serial killer. Nigerian films were watched with one eye shut, for fear that some evil spirit would reach through the television and seize me. And between the polish of the West and the distinctly home video quality of Nollywood there was no competition.

I didn't articulate this until I saw Dope by Richard Famuyiwa. It was a coming of age story with mostly black characters. I was stunned. I wasn't completely in that one either, but it spoke to me more than Sixteen Candles, Mean Girls or The Girl Next Door could ever dream. In that I wasn't a token or a product of Affirmative Action. I was the protagonist.

Now, Disney has made Queen of Katwe. It is one of the rare black stories that isn't destroyed in production, at least not where the cast is concerned. It won't be like Captain America where they insist that Lagos is pronounced Lah-gos and not Leigos. The name of my city obliterated at the hands of Marvel. Now, I've got to be aware that people may not know where I'm from unless I pronounce it like them. The thought that I should ever call Lagos, Lah-gos leaves an odd taste in my mouth.

In Queen of Katwe, there'll be no Blackface or Blacker-face. There'll be no shelving. It will be there front and centre at the Cinema, and when it leaves there'll be DVDs. It is heartening that my younger cousins and my future nephews won't have to rely on Snow White or Mary Poppins for their entertainment needs.

The film will be released on the 23rd of September this year.

Happy Days,
Afam

Our friends, TMT and Kojo have delivered the third episode of their podcast, Submarine and A Roach. This episode is called Open Day and it's mostly about their school boy experiences in Nigeria. When you read that it sounds like a decent conversation but it isn't; not by a mile. My Monday morning brain was completely incapable of coping with it. At one point I squealed. This is intolerable. No adult should ever squeal before Gin O'Clock (5pm if you don't work in a slaver's Bay).

The Love Machine and the Boat had a casual beginning. TMT was called away to wash dishes. It is how he pays his parents for the privilege of running the household.

Shortly after that we learned that TMT's boss is a proud but recovered Sex Addict Pastor. As we all know this is a pastor that was a Sex Addict until he was saved by Jesus.

Then a quote from Kojo cracked the air like a clap of thunder. "The Nigerian education system turns you into a crackhead." It resonated with me. At 15 I was practically snorting paper, and injecting my veins with ink. I had all the maturity of a 7 year old but the academic education of a 17 year old. It is a thing that only a Nigerian can understand.

All of this happened in the first five minutes.

Because of the truly outrageous nature of the show, I have decided that I can no longer listen in as I have in the past, with a cup of coffee in the morning. I will now listen to them on Tuesday Nights, with a bottle of Chardonnay and a bag of sweet and salty popcorn.

Open Day is their best episode yet.



Happy Days,
Afam.

Shout out to Geri! Please don't let her work too hard.

Also do feel free to give me a shout out. I work hard for the money.

This post has been edited fairly extensively. 

There was a better than good response to my last post about the Game of Thrones, so here's another. One of the things that bloggers must learn is that you are a slave your audience. They tell you what they want, not in words or emails but in views. If you want something, and I am capable of giving it to you, then I will. You wanted more about the Game of Thrones? Here it is as quickly as I could deliver.

If you would rather binge on Game of Thrones spoiler free, this is your cue. In a poll that I carried out on twitter I learned that most of you don't actually mind spoilers, so I have no regrets about revealing everything about the latest game of thrones episode: Book of Stranger.

The episode is named The Book of Stranger. If you follow the series closely you'll learn that The Stranger is one of the seven gods in the faith of the Seven, the predominant religion in Westeros. It's one of the more bombastic episodes in the series. I would say that it's even better than the red wedding. Having read the books, I saw the red wedding coming from years away. In this one I was blind. I hung on to every bit of the dialogue, and loved almost every scene. It was so good that I almost missed Arya and Bran, who did not appear.

So what were the big moments?

First off we've got the Stark re-union. Jon Snow and Sansa saw each other again. It was the first time that they'd been in the same room since season one and it was glorious. Sansa was rightly ashamed of the way she'd treated him because of his bastard beginnings and Jon was gracious. It was amusing to watch him realise how much she'd changed. The Sansa we've got now is a far cry from the Knight loving romantic that we first met. She's been tempered by the Song of Ice and Fire, and she's come out the better for it. They plan to march on Winterfell, save Rickon, and kill the Bolton infection that has taken root there. All in a day's work if you ask me. Mr Bolton could do with a stabbing or a flaying.


 Over the Vale Littlefinger appeared. He's still the boss there, and he's driving an army to Winterfell to help the Stark's resolve their homeless situation. "It's time to join the fray" he said. He's right about that. We've only waited five seasons for the privilege.

Osha got the X this week. It was a good ending as far as endings on the show go. She could have been flayed, crushed or battered to the afterlife, but she got a knife to the neck instead. She went down fighting too, but her feminine wiles and her knife reaching ways weren't enough to defeat Ramsay Bolton. After he killed her, he took out the knife and went back to slicing what I assume was an apple. It was a little bit of a disgusting moment. I cannot imagine that anyone could care for blood flavoured apple slices. They should have had a cameo from Hannibal to really drive the point home.

Daenary's got the last scene this week. She proved once again that fire cannot burn a dragon. There was a wicked glint in her eyes as she roasted her Dothraki Khal captors. She walked out of the fire naked and unscathed to all the Dothraki in attendance bowing in submission. It was a powerful scene. This commentator is definitely excited for next week's offering.


Happy Days,
Afam

There are moments of my life in Lagos that I will never forget. I smashed cars, broke houses, and slept on couches. There were shoulders in my mouth, calabash hats, palm wine raves and morning runs along Lagos' littered beaches with the dogs: Captain Reginald and Sabrina.

On one of our more memorable runs, Captain Reginald and I thundered in tandem to the tunes of Azealia Banks. I loved her then.

I was 24 and vigilant with my anger. My resolution that year was to be offended, her music and her twitter account channeled my frustrations almost perfectly. Her pettiness encouraged mine.

As 25 rolled around, and the sun on my angers set, so did my love for her. She'd made the mistake that all truly successful pop artists know not to. She'd stayed exactly as she was when we first met her on 212. Delivering three to four minutes of unfiltered attitude and vulgarity at every musical opportunity. Soon not even 212, the song that made me care was in my monthly rotation. She was like the friend that peaked in high school ten years later: uninteresting and fantastically dull.

When she made her return to the popular news cycle, it wasn't for her new song, the big big beat which is really quite brilliant. It was for her twitter account. She remarked that the ex-one directioner Zayn was a curry scented bitch and called him a Punjab. Skai Jackson, the 14 year old Disney star, asked her to simmer down after she insulted Zayn. Azealia Banks responded by calling Skai a little black bitch, predicting that she would end up depressed and addicted to drugs, telling Skai's mum to fellate a Disney executive, and advising that she get a boob job and a butt lift.

It is a shame that her heart is as ugly as she is talented. She seems to have made a habit of attacking people without rhyme or reason. And while that is bad, it is not the worst of her offences. I do not understand how someone can claim to stand for black rights and then racially attack anyone of any colour. She's made a mockery of genuine racial struggles spewing hate speech by the day, and she remains grotesquely unapologetic. At this point I cannot listen to her music without fearing that I am enabling her foolishness. After Beyonce released Lemonade, Azealia commented that it was the antithesis of black feminism. If that is true, it is a wonder that she cannot look in the mirror and see that she is the antithesis of humanity.

Since her last outburst, she's been suspended from twitter and dropped from the line up of Rinse FM's born and bred festival. The sanctions are well deserved. Idiots should not be given agency to spew their idiocy.

If you think that I'm being unfair, I'll leave you with a selection of her greatest hits.

Sarah Palin
Azealia tweeted that Palin should be gang raped and that the video should be shared on the internet.

Lily Allen
"Weak... she can't talk though... Not with that ugly husband she has."

The stone roses
"I wish you nothing but excrement and death."

Rita Ora
"Rihanna's understudy."

Diplo
You're a real fucking snake. You owe M.I.A everything you have.

Tiny aka T.I's wife
You have meth face.

Baueer
You're a pussy. You don't belong in Hip Hop.

Disclosure
I want to punch one of them in the face – the little one. The ugly one.

Kreayshawn
You’re a dumb bitch. And you can’t rap. I’ll sit on your face. … Fall back slut.

Happy Days,
Afam

If it were a crime to wear shorts so short that you were forced to wonder about the length of my underwear then I would be guilty ten times over. Some people consider them offensive or unspeakably fashionable, but I do not believe that I have ever really cared. The truth about clothes that they do not teach you in whatever school that people go to learn about fashion criticism is that clothes are more about the wearer than they are about the viewer.

It's like sweatpants. If you decide that a particular day is sweats day then that day is sweats day Joan Rivers be damned. I feel the same way about short shorts. If there is a time, and a place, and the wearing of them is unlikely to lead to an encounter with hypothermia, I usually always say yes.

I realise that they're a bit of a daring item of clothing for some, so I'll explain how it was that I became so comfortable in them.

When I was much younger than I am now, I spent a great deal of time running around swimming pools. Apart from all the health benefits that swimming offers, it gives all who do it fairly regularly a truly spectacular amount of comfort with their nudity. After you've been seen cavorting in speedos by a multitude, wearing shorts with a 5 inch long in seam is no great achievement.

Some people will say that you should dress like a fashion blogger, and take risks with the clothes that you wear, but I disagree. You should dress for your comfort, because you never look better than when you are comfortable with who you are and what you are. If you wear clothes that encourage this, you won't feel the need to apologise for anything or explain anything.

So if you feel the need to explain why you've opted for shorts that show your quad biceps to full effect then you probably shouldn't wear them. It would probably help if you didn't take any pictures with your arse hanging out. If you're a man, and your bum isn't instrumental in the business of your money making, then the look what a fantastic bum I have instagram picture is never a good idea.

Happy Days,
Afam.

 I apologise for the the epic manspread in that picture and I apologise for where my hand is in it. I was sleeping on my way back from seeing the grandparents. When I sleep I find that my hands do not obey the demands of public decorum. 

I never begin my day with the belief that I must be generous with my words. But after listening to the second episode of Submarine and A Roach, I must sing my compliments to the moon.

Our boys, TMT and Kojo are even more loose lipped than they were last time and the podcast is all the better for it. This week's episode is called, Mad Food: Fury Road. It's an awesome title for an episode, however, food is not my calling. Eating takes too long and planning a menu requires far too much thought for cooking to ever be a desirable activity. This is probably why my idea of a decent breakfast is 3 raw eggs, half a pint of lacto-free milk and 2 scoops of ice-cream.

As much as I dislike the fact that I have to eat, I did enjoy listening to them talk about it. I enjoyed it so much that I think that you will too.

So here's the second episode of Submarine and A Roach: Advancing the culture one podcast at a time. They're hosted by the Culture Custodian. I owe them an article.

Happy Days,
Afam

There's a new podcast on the scene. For those of you who don't know what a podcast is, I can tell you that they come in different shapes and sizes. They're essentially a radio talk show that you listen to on the internet. In this podcast, the self titled modern day revolutionaries, Submarine and A Roach seek to advance the culture one episode at a time.

It is hosted by two guys, Tmt and Kojo. It is unclear which one of them is the submarine and which one is the roach. I suppose this will make itself clear as they progress. It's made for Nigerians by Nigerians, but its got an international bent that I've come to appreciate in Nigerian content. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to hear Nigerian on air personalities who present their material with almost complete honesty. There are no fake accents here.

Submarine and A Roach is often funny, and occasionally profound. I've been following Tmt on twitter for years. There aren't many people that I really follow on twitter. I do not read his tweets in ones and twos. I read them by their hundred. Liking, retweeting and chuckling with reckless abandon.

Their first episode is called "It's Good Ex-ercise" and it's about the outlandish ways to get your ex back.

A quick warning, it isn't safe for work. Don't listen to it without your headphones, they do not filter.

Here's the first episode. Tell me what you think about it, or better yet, tell them what you think about it. I'm on twitter, @Afam20, and they're on twitter @Subma_Roach. Subscribe on Soundcloud or Itunes, because you really don't want to miss a thing. They're hosted by the Culture Custodian. They too advance the culture one bit of content at a time.



Happy days,
Afam

Fashion criticism is dangerous. The reigning method seems to be the fashion police format made popular by the late Joan Rivers. The comments come by the second. Each one funnier and more cutting than the last, they prey on the petty racisms, sexisms and ageisms that present themselves as acceptable opinions.

Madonna Says Her Met Gala Outfit Was a "Political Statement" https://t.co/rd8ZT0w2AI pic.twitter.com/Qk1yQUe5ro

— ELLE Magazine (US) (@ELLEmagazine) May 8, 2016

At this year's Met Gala, Madonna turned up in a Givenchy dress that revealed both her buttocks and her breasts. The insults were a flood. After the event Madonna claimed that the garment was a political statement. She said, "My dress at the Met Ball was a political statement as well as a fashion statement. The fact that people actually believe a woman is not allowed to express her sexuality and be adventurous past a certain age is proof that we still live in an age-ist sexist society."

Madonna has arrived at the #MetGala 2016! 😱😂 pic.twitter.com/K4eRmecFqv

— Shady Music Facts (@musicnews_shade) May 3, 2016

There is truth to her words. However you must wonder if the criticism levied at her was because she is getting along in the years, or because it is an abortion of a dress. I cannot think of a single celebrity that could possibly have pulled it off. It is common for women in that industry whatever their age to display some aspect of their sexuality but it is uncommon for them to truly leave nothing to the imagination.

It works as a statement. The revelation of both the buttocks and the breasts at an event where they are not usually seen will more often than not set tongues to wagging. It would have worked better if she'd said that her appearance at the Met Gala was her attempt at bringing the plight of women the world round to the world's attention before the event. If that was the case then she could have come out on the red carpet naked with the words, "Ageism is Bad. I am free to show off my body as I see fit" written across her length and breadth. If she'd done that we would have spoken about the cause she was fighting for and not the way she looked. 

It's the same way you phone in to work a good hour before when you know that you're going to be late. When you turn up thirty minutes late with a story, it seems a little bit like an after thought. Be that as it may, she deserves applause for drawing the attention of the universal fashion police from the truly trivial topic of her clothes and placing it quite firmly on a far more deserving cause.

Happy Days,
Afam

There is an urgency and a violence to parenthood that only Nigerians understand. Spurred on by the Bible verse that says, "spare the rod and spoil the child" and the truly astounding realisation that no successful man or woman in existence has two heads, Nigerian parents demand perfection from their children. It is a practice that defies location.From Lagos to Alaska, Nigerian Children all understand the meaning of Dr. Do Good, the agent of parental discipline.

All of this has been mined for the creation of a new television show called African Booty Scratcher that will be hilarious. How could it not be when it's created by Damilare Sonoiki who's most famous for his work on Blackish. The television show is about Nigerian family in America that struggles to balance giving their son a better life while ensuring he maintains their traditional values.


It's a story that I think needs to be told. If my Nigerian childhood is anything to go by it will be some of the funniest material you'll see when it's made. If I were to write a song about it,

"AFAM GO AND PLUCK THE CANE!"

Would be the beginning of the first verse.
And.

"AFAM! YOU WILL NOT KILL YOUR FATHER!"

Would be the beginning of the chorus.

However, there's a catch. To see it made, you'll have to support it with your hard earned cash. The producers need your help to get the pilot of the show made, and to raise the awareness they need to get the show on a major network.

They've got a kickstarter page that you need to support. If you don't support it, we'll continue to sit here and complain about how our Nigerianness has been South Africanised and Hollywoodised by Will Smith's portrayal of Dr Bennet Omalu in Concussion. So put your money where your mouth is, and use your increased Guarantee Trust Bank Limit for something other than your ASOS shopping needs.

Happy Days,
Afam

Click here for the kickstarter page.

And Click here for the show's website. There's some seriously cool merchandise there. I recommend the African Booty Scratcher hoodie.

I had the dreaded nine O' clock. Some of you will read that and shake your collective heads at me, but I am not a morning person. I think mornings are brilliant. They've got this uncanny habit of deleting the misfortunes of the day before. But I would think the better of them if they weren't so inconvenient.

I've made a new found commitment to punctuality. It's rather un-Nigerian of me. In Nigeria, it is hardly ever better late than never. It is more often than not better late than ever. However, I am certain that I won't get an appropriate reference if I am even a minute late to any of my lectures. That is why I woke up at 5am to make it to a 9am.

The plan was to make it out of Tottenham by 7:30, that way I'd be at university for 8:15, but I didn't have a stitch to wear. The things that were clean were un-ironed, and the things that were ironed unclean.

I am so annoyed by the unappealingness of unironed clothes that I cannot even stand to look at them. So I hopped out of the shower and did my best to disguise my naked disdain. I believe that my clothes will not look good on me if I spend hours telling them that they are the ugliest things in the history of ugliness. Clothes have feelings too.

Would it be the pink Jack Wills shirt, or the stripey Ralph. Would it be the H and M t shirt nicked from Hobbit or the Levi Flannel nicked from the brother father? I didn't know. I put on my boxers, got a cup of coffee from the kitchen, returned to my room to gaze at the clothes on my bed. I finished the cup of coffee, went to my desk to see what twitter was saying. I turned from my desk and looked back at my bed with a face that said "All of you are useless."

I sat there for 2 hours and a bit, procrastinating before I decided that it would have to be the pink one.

I made it out of my building at 8:15. I wasn't doing badly but things had become dangerous. I was now a rush hour commuter. There's nothing wrong with being a rush hour commuter if you don't mind being squashed like a sardine while you try to discover the offenders. The man that didn't shower and likely hadn't for three days, the hand that seemed to be trying and failing from brushing against your crotch. The heavy breathing in your ear.

I was about to be disgusted with my situation when I discovered that I didn't mind. I was like London, don't go wasting your emotions, lay all your love on me (complete with body parts, bad breath and body odour).

Happy Days,
Afam

On the menu today we've got Omawumi, an Itsekiri Nigerian singer whose music is really rather good. It's a brand of raw African pop that competes directly with the polished touches of everything that Don Jazzy touches. She's got a flair that's reminiscent of Yvonne Chaka Chaka and Angelique Kidjo. As such it is no surprise that she is the main course.
Our soup is Zinnia, the face of HFtv Africa's Da Chat. It's a show that interviews Nigerian celebrities. The interviews typically are typically over 16 minutes long. Omawumi's interview was shorter, and that's because she walked out. Now, Zinnia is not a journalist. Her facebook page it says that she is a recording artist, singer, song writer and an on air personality. After the interview that she had with Omawumi she should consider restricting her efforts to music.



While I worked with Star Gist (an entertainment news show on Africa Magic) under Vimbai, I was told time and time again to exercise caution and empathy. She said, "If you are harsh or crude in the way that only bloggers can be, you will kill the show." This was just after I had written a red carpet rundown that was more malicious than hilarious. She was right.

After that interview, Zinnia will probably find it difficult to secure another. No celebrity in their right mind will willingly throw themselves into an out of control frying pan.

And it was a frying pan. Quite early in the interview, Zinnia asked about the father of one Omawumi's children. She said, "rumour had it that when you were having your daughter, it wasn't your husband's it was your manager's." It is a question that is both difficult and rude, especially when you consider that Omawumi had probably not been informed that the question would be asked. In that, Zinnia showed that she is both unethical and tactless.

The next question was similarly tactless. "Now when you got married... rumour had it that you got instead got married to Dr. Frabz?" As far as I know, Dr. Frabz is not the man that Omawumi has said that she married. It went straight from the frying pan straight into the fire. It is the sort of slut shaming that serves no one.

As insensitive as those two questions were, they paled in comparison to the last one. It was delivered in a rambly, disorgarnised fashion; the sort that makes efficient transcription impossible. A reasonable summary would be, "Do you think that the rumours of your drinking and smoking habit make you unfit to be a mother?"

At that point Omawumi concluded that the interviewer did not mean her well. The conclusion was called for. The vast majority of the questions were asked with the sort of negativity that you'd reserve for an enemy. Even if the questions were called for (and they weren't) they required a sensitivity that the interviewer lacked. It is possible to ask who the father of a woman's child is without coming across as a vulture. I cannot say how such a thing should be done, but I do know that Zinnia did not succeed. You cannot explain away attempts to destroy careers with murmurings that you were looking for the truth.


Vimbai tweeted, "I don't think the lady conducting Omawumi's interview was being malicious - she probably doesn't have the tact that comes with experience."

I agree, but I'll add that she lacks the training that she so desperately needs. You cannot ambush people that do not owe the public anything with questions whose answers the public need not know.

Now, if she were to interview Bukola Saraki and ask him about the numerous allegations of corruption levied against him I wouldn't bat an eyelid. He's a public official. He owes us these answers. Omawumi owes us nothing. You cannot seek to burn her at the stake and expect that she provide the firewood for the flames.

Happy Days,
Afam.

I apolgise for this in advance. There is a spoiler ahead. If you're a fan of the Game of Thrones and you hate it when things are spoiled, then now is the time that you should leave. It may seem odd that I tell you to exit stage left, but I'd rather you thought well of me than ill. If you no longer like me, then you'll stop reading. And if you stop reading then I don't know what I'll do. 



Yesterday, the world was abuzz because a certain television character pulled a Lazarus on us. Yes! Jon Snow came back to life. To be honest I saw it coming. Kit Harrington, the actor that plays Jon Snow said time and time again that his character wasn't coming back to life, but if that was the case, I didn't see why he had to be on set all the time. It doesn't take that long to pretend to be dead. Lying motionless on a bed of stone does not take six months to film.

Some people said that he was filming flashbacks, but Game of Thrones isn't really all that flashback heavy. There is so much material to cover that there is simply no time for detailed examinations of the past, and if there is, the events that will be covered won't be anything from Jon Snow's time. Furthermore, there's the theory that he's the bastard child of Rhaegar Targaryan and Eddard (Ned) Stark's sister Lyanna.

The mysteries surrounding him are far too important for him to die.

Even though he's come back, we cannot expect that he'll be the same. In 2011 George R. Martin, the creator of the incredibly lucrative franchise said:

"I do think that if you're bringing a character back, that a character has gone through death, that's a transformative experience"

He then went on to say :

"My characters who come back from death are worse for wear. In some ways, they're not even the same characters anymore. The body may be moving, but some aspect of the spirit is changed or transformed, and they've lost something. One of the characters who has come back repeatedly from death is Beric Dondarrion, The Lightning Lord. Each time he's revived he loses a little more of himself. He was sent on a mission before his first death. He was sent on a mission to do something, and it's like, that's what he's clinging to. He's forgetting other things, he's forgetting who he is, or where he lived. He's forgotten the woman who he was once supposed to marry. Bits of his humanity are lost every time he comes back from death; he remembers that mission. His flesh is falling away from him, but this one thing, this purpose that he had is part of what's animating him and bringing him back to death. I think you see echoes of that with some of the other characters who have come back from death."

So what does this mean?

It means that even though Jon Snow is back and his curls remain intact he may not be the same character that we fell in love with over the course of 5 seasons. This makes things infinitely more interesting.

For the first time, there is no difference between those who've read the books and those who haven't. We're all wonderfully ignorant of what the world of Westeros holds for us. The GIf below is no longer true.


Now, for the most part, we all exist in a perpetual state of suspense. The cliffhangers are universal. We obviously can't wait for George R. Martin to finish what he started. I almost wish that he'd be like a Jeffrey Archer. That the books would come out every year, as surely as winter, summer and autumn do.

As we wait for the next episode, we can delight ourselves in Kit Harrington's very sincere apology for the lies that he told before the new season aired. "I'd like to say I'm sorry for lying to everyone." He said in an interview with Entertainment Weekly.

At this point I can almost say that I am glad that he lied. If he hadn't. This avid fan and twitter genius would probably not have made this.

jon snow is the new jesus pic.twitter.com/Nu0WJkBFr4

— plutao (@geraradway) May 2, 2016

Happy Days,
Afam