The more I write, the more I realize that 1+1 is always 2 and 2+2 is always 4 but 1+1 might just as easily be 3, sometimes 4 and more often than not 5. I wish I could explain the thoughts behind every line but now they're written and I can't do anything about them. This one's about the end of a relationship. I apologize for the heavy metaphors.

The questions have started,
they'll likely remain unanswered,
the questions will remain.

How are you?
How are you really?
You ask me twice but there's no reveal.
If I could tell you, I wouldn't need to.

What happened?
I don't know.
All I know is that all was fine,
Then all too soon the spark was gone.

Explain yourself...
I knew I would have to,
I found that I no longer cared to.
The truth is I had forsaken us.

I can't understand.
I gave you everything.
You lacked nothing.
I know I lacked something.
What it was, you wouldn't guess,
I believed it punishable by death.

The date was set.
There was nothing left,
I would leave this day or next.
Nothing today mattered,
I could see the end.
After all, I would go someday,
That day might as well be today.

As quickly as it began it was over.
I had started the cycle of disrepair.
We would have several conversations after,
But the questions remained unanswered.

Happy Days,

Afam

Betty, the whole world and I just had a conversation on twitter. The conversation was of no great physical or metaphysical importance until Betty asked for my help. I shall relay the conversation with immediate alacrity.

Betty: Boys please help me understand something. Why do you say you like girls who have their own hair/little makeup. But then when you go to clubs you go for the girls with the longest weaves, loads of makeup on and fake eyelashes? Also why is it that you claim to love girls with curves yet you go for the skinniest girls? :s soo confusing, boys please help me understand.

And with that I was off. I jumped on my horse, galloped through the town and conducted a social inquiry.
The task proved daunting... I believe that it is because most boys are allergic to social surveys. In spite of this I managed to obtain commentary from Jimmy. He did not answer the entire question, but we make do.
Afam: (I asked the question)
Jimmy: Is this some sort of survey?
Afam: It's something like that, but don't let that put you off.
Jimmy: Well, I think it depends on the guy. I find it a little insulting that the question assumes that we all think exactly the same (I found no fault with that statement). I prefer girls with less make up. If a girl wears a lot of make up, then, be scared of how she looks without it.

My thanks to Jimmy for a well constructed response.

In my desperation for answers I even asked my friend Elliot.
Afam: (I asked the question)
Elliot: Erm Fam, you know I like big hairy men right?
Afam: You're such a drama king! put your straight hat on and answer the question.
Elliot: I like big hairy men, and I go for them in clubs. (He really does. It's quite bizarre) But sexy is sexy, so I go for whoever is sexy regardless.

However being a Knight errant in the fashion of the most romantic knight ever known, Don Quixote de la Mancha, I was unperturbed by the set back. I retired to my chambers to ruminate about the problem while watching Wimbledon. (Djokovic through to round 4; Watson is currently being schooled by Radwanska on centre court)

They  both touched on important ideas. But you're probably dying to hear what I think as I am the very definition of Man.

I am a man. I'm clever and fiercely intelligent in all regards but one, the female psyche. So please don't judge me too harshly. In light of this are you surprised that I'm fascinated by the extra long lashes, tonnes of make up and Brazilians all on display in a club? Have you considered that I may have been consuming buckets of alcohol, so my judgement is not at its' best?

 (International drinking rules dictate that when speaking about drinking alcohol one may not use the word drink to describe the action of drinking. In the event that one breaks this rule, one must consume!)

There's also the question of context. I may like to date girls who don't wear loads of make up but in a club I'm not exactly looking for girls of the dating kind. Furthermore it is necessary to note that we currently live in an age of political correctness and men have evolved to say whatever sounds politically correct even though what they claim may not be true.

I think Elliot has the right of it though. Sexy is sexy and guys go for whatever is sexy. So if you're feeling a little blue because you don't get a lot of attention in clubs; just because you choose not to wear tonnes of make up or install a weave, then find a way to be sexy. The same logic applies to curvy girls. If you do this the guys will come stampeding.

Happy Days,
Afam!

One of the blogs I read judiciously, Through Hell and High Waters has posted a new feature (the link in the previous sentence will take you there). As a university proclaimed bachelor of the arts (my university went so far as to christen me Douglas in preparation for my new life as a bachelor). I am best placed to give objective advice about all things pertaining to relationships.

Starmix, the writer of the afore mentioned piece is worried that should she locate the man of her dreams now, she'll have to date him for seven years before tying the knot. What she'd really like would be for them to acknowledge each other now, enjoy their roaring twenties for three or four years, then come back together and date for three or four more years before they resign themselves to matrimony and child rearing. (Speaking of which, during my siesta I dreamed that I delivered a baby for a dear aunt of mine. My imagination is a powerful thing!).

Starmix being infinitely clever has realized that should she do this, golden boy will probably find another. So she's toying with the idea of an open relationship. You're probably wondering how this concerns me, and I'll be honest it doesn't. But how could I call myself a decent friend if I didn't impose my opinions on Starmix?

I thought about her dilemma for thirty seconds and I will now proffer a solution.

Firstly, an open relationship is not the way forward because it only lays down precedent for an open marriage and that is if you get to get married. Because while Kofi (For want of a better name. Plus you look like the type that will marry a Kofi) is sowing his wild seeds one of them may bloom into a wild flower and crush your dreams of marital bliss.

There are two solutions to your problems. The first of these is rather quixotic.

Solution 1: When you know you know. You'll gaze into the dark stormy depths of his soul and every fibre of your being will gravitate to him. From that time until the end of time you'll be by his side. The very idea of marriage will fade a way because you'll never ever doubt the strength and permanence of your love and adoration. You will probably get married but chances are that it won't be that big a deal.

Solution 2: Date him now. Give the both of you room to fail in terms of fidelity. Make sure he never finds out about yours but turn a blind eye to his. That way when you decide to get married you won't have invited openness into your marriage overtly. So I suppose a covert open relationship is the way forward?

The best option for you would be to shelve all thoughts of marriage and live with me in eternal spinsterhood. My offer is open ended.

Happy Days,
Afam.