Hello. I'm Afam, and I'm sexy. Sexy doesn't touch it really. If there was an adjective that was sexier than sexy then I would use it instead of sexy. That's how sexy I am. There is no man sexier than me. I'm not a sexy beast because I've got a 4 pack that's super imposed on my pot belly of childhood, or because I've got the arms of a kwashiorkor patient, or even because I've got the legs of some sort of insect creature. I'm a sexy beast because I tell myself I am every day; mind over matter and all that.

Ah! That's not very good. That's my constipation face. Yeah, that's the face I make when I'm getting ready to push out a real bitch of a shit. And shit isn't sexy. 2 girls one cup literally killed my sex drive. I didn't get a boner for a week after watching it. And the worst thing about 2 girls one cup, was that my brother's girlfriend at the time, Siegfried the Dragon Slayer, was watching me watch it. She saw me smile when the girls made out and then she saw me retch when they shat into a cup. She knows too much about me that one. I should call her soon.

Well, I suppose this one is sexy in it's own way. I look like I could kill someone, and that's probably because I don't really like the butterfly, even though you get to wind your body like a mermaid or a mammy of the water and what could be sexier than that? All the same, I don't think this is a good look for me. It's more Hitler than Casanova, and more rapey than unsubtle seduction. I'll bite my bottom lip next time.

 And what of when I do the Insanity?

Oh yeah! Look at that smoulder. I'm even giving armpit hair! What could be more appealing than that? And the stains on my shorts are sweat patches. How do you like me now? On a side note, those Jack Wills shorts used to be sweat pants. I snipped them up. Fashion moment? I think so. Yeah. Hashtag Instafashion. #instafashion

This is another good one, lips slightly parted, eyes confused with desire. That's how you make love to a camera. You have to appear slightly befuddled by the idea that you should ever make love to the camera.

This is another great one. You can see my back pimples, and the scar in my lower back from when I got stabbed while clubbing back in the day.

After reviewing the pictures, I've come to the conclusion that the Insanity is sexier than swimming, because swimming makes you look like a rapist, while the Insanity makes you look like a pervert.

Happy Days,
Afam

PS. The Insanity is a work out DVD by Shaun T. It's very good. I'm already seeing results. 

Betty, the whole world and I just had a conversation on twitter. The conversation was of no great physical or metaphysical importance until Betty asked for my help. I shall relay the conversation with immediate alacrity.

Betty: Boys please help me understand something. Why do you say you like girls who have their own hair/little makeup. But then when you go to clubs you go for the girls with the longest weaves, loads of makeup on and fake eyelashes? Also why is it that you claim to love girls with curves yet you go for the skinniest girls? :s soo confusing, boys please help me understand.

And with that I was off. I jumped on my horse, galloped through the town and conducted a social inquiry.
The task proved daunting... I believe that it is because most boys are allergic to social surveys. In spite of this I managed to obtain commentary from Jimmy. He did not answer the entire question, but we make do.
Afam: (I asked the question)
Jimmy: Is this some sort of survey?
Afam: It's something like that, but don't let that put you off.
Jimmy: Well, I think it depends on the guy. I find it a little insulting that the question assumes that we all think exactly the same (I found no fault with that statement). I prefer girls with less make up. If a girl wears a lot of make up, then, be scared of how she looks without it.

My thanks to Jimmy for a well constructed response.

In my desperation for answers I even asked my friend Elliot.
Afam: (I asked the question)
Elliot: Erm Fam, you know I like big hairy men right?
Afam: You're such a drama king! put your straight hat on and answer the question.
Elliot: I like big hairy men, and I go for them in clubs. (He really does. It's quite bizarre) But sexy is sexy, so I go for whoever is sexy regardless.

However being a Knight errant in the fashion of the most romantic knight ever known, Don Quixote de la Mancha, I was unperturbed by the set back. I retired to my chambers to ruminate about the problem while watching Wimbledon. (Djokovic through to round 4; Watson is currently being schooled by Radwanska on centre court)

They  both touched on important ideas. But you're probably dying to hear what I think as I am the very definition of Man.

I am a man. I'm clever and fiercely intelligent in all regards but one, the female psyche. So please don't judge me too harshly. In light of this are you surprised that I'm fascinated by the extra long lashes, tonnes of make up and Brazilians all on display in a club? Have you considered that I may have been consuming buckets of alcohol, so my judgement is not at its' best?

 (International drinking rules dictate that when speaking about drinking alcohol one may not use the word drink to describe the action of drinking. In the event that one breaks this rule, one must consume!)

There's also the question of context. I may like to date girls who don't wear loads of make up but in a club I'm not exactly looking for girls of the dating kind. Furthermore it is necessary to note that we currently live in an age of political correctness and men have evolved to say whatever sounds politically correct even though what they claim may not be true.

I think Elliot has the right of it though. Sexy is sexy and guys go for whatever is sexy. So if you're feeling a little blue because you don't get a lot of attention in clubs; just because you choose not to wear tonnes of make up or install a weave, then find a way to be sexy. The same logic applies to curvy girls. If you do this the guys will come stampeding.

Happy Days,
Afam!