Today I'm going to introduce you to a new concept, "the mostest". You need not inform me that there is no such word as mostest, because I know this. But there's no other word in the English language that quite describes what exactly is meant by mostest. And even if there is, it doesn't have quite the same flair. Mostest refers to over achieving, delivering more enthusiasm than a particular task requires. Going above and beyond to out do every one else in the arena of life. This in itself isn't a bad thing but it is important to note that those who do the mostest are seldom likeable. However when someone does the mostest and is exceedingly charming a super star is born. There is one lessons to be learned from this:

• If you must do the mostest, then please learn to be charming, or good spirited about it. Develop the ability to laugh at your over eagerness and try to infect others with it. This is the difference between the Hermione Granger at the start of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone and the Hermione Granger at the end of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone. You'll find that if everybody does the mostest then nobody does the mostest and this my friends is a win win situation.

Happy Hermione.

Weepy Hermione

 A classic example of the mostest is the difference between Murray and Federer. They're both exceptional tennis players, one of them may be slightly better than the other, but the publics reaction to the both of them is very different. One of them is loved by everybody, but the other is hated. People have even come up with the theory that he may be slightly autistic to cover up the fact that he is a twat. Because he is a twat even if he should win a Grand Slam in his home country he will never do as well as he would have if he was likeable. 

Murray with his arse in the air, and we still don't like him.

Mostest is the word that describes my night out, last night. 


Enter Lola
Lola is a perfectly nice plus sized girl. She's incredibly gregarious and out going. She's rather charming. However in her quest for the mostest, she entered the club, downed a few and proceeded to gyrate most vigorously in shoes that she found horrendously uncomfortable.

Afam: Why did you wear the shoes?
Lola: They make my legs look longer.
Afam: But aren't they even mildly uncomfortable
Lola: Just a tad (she winces)
Afam: (She thinks me daft. Everyone knows that it's impolite to banter in euphemisms)
Afam: Do you think they'll be a hindrance during the night?
Lola: Of course not. The shoes improve the look of the outfit, and force one to stand tall. They're indispensible.

An hour after having this conversation. I saw Lola in the venue. She was lying across a couch with her foot on the table. On closer inspection she had ice on her ankle. I knew instantly that she had been visited by calamity. However this was not enough to stop Lola from doing the mostest. Every time a song she liked played she would make her way to the dance floor and dance vigorously. As we speak Lola, is in bed, leg bound and strapped. She's unable to put weight on it. She's had to crawl to the bathroom to brush her teeth.


Enter Pappillon
 Before that night I had not met many of the individuals I went out with. Pappillon was no exception. Pappillon is a spectacular mover. He has an intrinsic feel for that sort of thing, but there's something in me that makes me look at people dancing in clubs and parties with the eyes of my ex House Master Reverend Leyton. As a result of this I could never be impressed by spastic movements that are not of the classical kind. Having said this Pappillon's musicality was impressive. 

Pappillon: Why don't Nigerian men ever cream their feet, and then have the audacity to go without wearing socks?
Afam: Because it's the fashionable thing to do. 
Pappillon: But don't you think it unreasonable? I mean yours looked like you've just walked through the desert.
Afam: I beg your pardon! I find it odd that you chose to focus on the little bit of leg cleavage that I have going on.
Pappilon: But really. Did you moisturize the rest of your body and neglect to moisturize your legs?
Afam: (I was nearly overcome by his rudeness. He was doing the damn mostest. Fine! My feet may have been a little dry but we didn't need to have a full conversation about it, did we?)
Afam: Well I can't see what the state of my feet has to do with anything.
Pappillon: Why didn't you wear any socks then? 
Afam: The shoes I'm currently wearing are penny loafers and as such they do not require the use of socks every time they're worn. I thought this was common knowledge. And since you seem so concerned with the subject, I am wearing socks. They just happen to be invisible. 
Pappillon: I don't believe you.
Afam: (Removes foot from shoe and displays ballet socks)
Pappillon: Oh. I didn't know.
Afam: I'm sure you'll find that there are many things about which you know nothing. Some things are best left unmentioned.


I, like you after reading that long exchange was hoping that that would be the end of all dialogue with Pappillon, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. At the end of the night, Pappillon once again sauntered up to me.


Afam: (In head: Not him again)
Pappillon: Your feet are really dry though.
Afam: (Fixes the most condescending glare in my arsenal on the poor fellow)
Afam: Are they really? I hadn't noticed.
Pappillon: They are remarkably dry.
Afam: Thanks for pointing it out old chap. 
Pappillon: No problem. Do you know the difference between Nigerians and Jamaicans?
Afam: No.
Pappillon: Jamaicans have only one parent.
Afam: Do they really?
Pappillon: Oh yes! The crisis is so great that some schools in Peckham and Brixton and such refer to Parents evening as Parent evening. Hahahahaha.
Afam: (Lord! How does this suffice for banter? Even on a good day I would have been alarmed.)

Are you vaguely annoyed? Probably. Was I? Not really. I just thought that this guy was doing the mostest to have me deposit him in the nearest bin. I'm not in the habit of giving people I don't like what they want so I stayed my hand.


Enter Millie

Millie's a very nice girl, it is unfortunate that I'm not as nice. Her womanly senses failed her the moment she set her sights on one Afam. You all know that I have declared myself a bachelor, from this time until the end of time. Furthermore on that night of the mostests I had no desire to be tempted away from my aspirations to lead a quiet single life with Captain Reginald (Rottweiler) and Snowy (West Yorkshire Highland Terrier). I've considered adding an Asquith. Yes, I need not be told. I am quite talented in the naming of pets. Anyway, Millie a 24 year old went about her crush in the most primary school manner. She told Lola, who told me that she had a crush on me. She did this after blushing like a school girl, smiling and resorting to cliche pick up lines. When Lola told me, my only response was I know. How could I not know, after the afore mentioned displays of interest? 

Afam: Hi, we haven't met before. I'm Afam.
Millie: Turns beetroot red. Or as red as a black girl can get.
Afam: I myself turn red.
Millie: Shy smile.
Afam: I remain red.
Millie: No, I'm Millie.
Afam: (Still red) Cool. (My throat is dry. I haven't been in a situation like this since I was 10 and very much infatuated with Coks. The flowers in my mothers garden can testify to this.)
Millie: Have I met you before? I mean you look familiar...
Afam: (Oh? I'm familiar with this one. I play along.) You do too. But I don't think we've met...
Millie: Hmmm.
Afam: Maybe I've got one of those faces.
Millie: Maybe I've got one of those faces.


All reasonable conversation ends there. You may disagree with me here, but the blushing I'm a primary school saint act was the mostest. How was that supposed to sway me from my Bachelor dreams and aspirations? As a REAL MAN even though I was plied with alcohol, I remained firm and resolute.


Enter Dancing Fool:
Shakespeare is often commended for his use of fools in prose.  So it's not surprising that my tale should have a fool. Yes, I just did that. No, I shall not spell what it was that I did out for you.


We were on the dance floor busting a move  when this character turned up. I had spotted him from afar, busting out some poorly co-ordinated and ill-timed b-boy moves. He had already terrified half the people in the venue with his futuristic spasms when he descended on our posse. He first attempted to battle me, but being of a calm and even tempered disposition, I declined. After this he descended on Pappillon, where he displayed animalistic movements and beautifully turned out feet. It occurred to me that his feet were wasted on a b-boy, in a previous life he must have been a ballerina. After tiring Pappillon out, (this in itself is an achievement as we all know that Pappillon is relentless) he moved on to the mostest of them all, Pepperman. Pepperman, is a handsome likeable, easygoing, overachieving medical student who also happens to be a professional dancer. He out danced the fool several times, but the man didn't know when he was defeated. He kept coming back for more. Pepperman understood that the night could only go downhill from then, and requested that we leave the venue. 


You see the difference here? I could not help but like Pepperman in spite of his talents. This is the power of an over achiever with a decent attitude. 


Happy Days,
Afam

 

My second attempt at live blogging tennis folks. Serena's playing Radwanska today in the Wimbledon women's final. Without much ado I'll get on with the job.

14:16
Serena's one game up. She's started the match well. After securing an easy hold of serve, Serena powered her way through Radwanska's first game where she has had 2 break points. Both of the break points were saved by Radwanska. But Serena is relentless. They're currently in a Deuce battle. After an 88 mile an hour winner Serena secures a third break point. That's all she needs to break Radwanska's serve. Serena is up 2 sets to love.

14:23 (2-0) Serena in the lead
Radwanska's taking a few risks, and they have paid off, because Serena seems to be making more unforced errors than usual. Radwanska pushes Serena to deuce. However that only forces Serena to bring up her level of play. She holds serve with a beautiful drop  shot. Serena's ahead with 3-0.

14:30 (3-0) Serena in the Lead
Neither player has been able to produce their best tennis but the game goees on. Radwanska doesn't seem to be coping with Serena's power well. Radwanska double faults and provides Serena with a Deuce. Shortly afte Serena earns her first break point in the game being played.  She breaks Radwanska's serve yet again. This match looks like a thrashing. Serena leads 4-0

14:35 (4-0) Serena leads
Both players are dressed rather nicely. I think Radwanska looks better than Serena, but that's probably because of the significant difference in musculature. Serena goes on to hold serve, 40-15. She leads 5-0.

14:39 (5-0) Serena leads
Radwanska's really struggling here. She's gifted Serena two break points.  But goes on to save them. At this point I choose to go for a toilet break. Radwanska holds her first game of the match.

14:49 (6-1)
I'm back and Serena has secured the first set but the match is delayed due to wet weather.

15:06
The players are back out. You might be wondering what I was doing in the interim. I'll tell you. I was checking up on radwanska because before this year I did not know who she was. So what are the five things we need to know about Radwanska?

• She's 23 years old.
• She's 5 ft 8 inches
• She's ranked no 3 in the world
• She's made about $10,000,000 in prize money.

That doesn't tell you an awful lot does it?

 15:13
The game is back on. Radwanska's pulling out all the big guns. She's playing a lot better than she was in the first set. It's also her easiest hold of the match. She wins the first game of the second set 40-15, and leads 1-0 in the second set.

15:15 (1-0) Second set. Radwanska leads.
Serena has been said to have the best serve in the history of women's tennis. However it's lucky that her serve isn't all she's got, as she closes out the game with a brilliant backhand down the line. The second set is tied at 1-1.

15:19 (1-1) Second set. Draw
Serena returns Radwanska's serves quicker than Radwanska can get into position to play the return. The result of this is that Serena breaks Radwanska's serve to assume an early lead in the second set. Serena leads (2-1)

15:22 (2-1) Second set. Serena leads.
Radwanska's normally very stingy with points, but this must not apply to Serena. She's making several unforced errors at the moment. Serena holds serve to lead the second set 3-1.

15:25 (3-1) Second Set. Serena Leads.
I think Radwanska's quite pretty. Her game's improving she holds serve with a minimum of fuss.

15:31 (3-2) Second Set. Serena Leads.
Radwanska is definitely playing better, but it's not enough. Serena holds her serve at 40-30. She leads the second set 4-2.

15:35 (4-2) Second set. Serena Leads.
Radwanska holds serve, to bring the score to 4-3

15:36 (4-3) Second set. Serena Leads
Even at Radwanska's best she does not do the things that disrupt Serena's game. She is not well suited to Serena's weapons. It's a fairly boring final to be honest.  But things are looking up for us. Radwanska has played Serena to Deuce. This is definitely one of the longer games of the match. Serena gained the advantage with an Ace but Radwanska brought it back to Deuce with the longest rally of the match so far. Serena plays a shot in the next rally long and Radwanska gains her first break point of the second set. Serena makes another unforced error and gifts the game to Radwanska. They're drawn at (4-4) in the second set.

15:46 (4-4) Second Set
After being broken Serena puts pressure on Radwanska's serve. But it's to no avail. Radwanska holds her serve at 40-30. She's had a great turn around. I think she now believes that she stands a chance in the match. Radwanska steals the lead in the second set. (5-4)


15:51 (5-4) Second Set Radwanska leads.
Anna Wintour's in the audience. Maybe there'll be a feature on the winner... Who knows? Serena plays a great defensive game to hold her serve. Things are getting exciting. The game is tied at 5-5 in the second set. Radwanska to serve.

15:55 (5-5) Second Set
Radwanska holds easily. It's safe to say that Serena's level of play has declined. Radwanska's back in the lead (6-5).

15:58
Radwanska breaks Serena. Both players are tied at one set a piece. In the second set Serena made 18 unforced errors while Radwanska only made 4.



16:02
And we've made it to the third set. I'm a little disappointed by this because I haven't got a lot of free time today. I was hoping that the game would be over in two. Serena seems to have recovered from whatever demons lost her the second set. She's played Radwanska to deuce where her unforced errors have made a reappearance. Radwanska holds to lead the final set 1-0.

16:07 (1-0) Radwanska leads
Serana is being forced to produce her best tennis. I don't think she can quite believe that she lost the second set.  Anyway she holds serve. The match is drawn at 1-1 in the third set.

16:12 (1-1)
Some epic rallies in this game. Serena's unleashing a storm on Radwanska, and earns herself 2 break points. Radwanska saves the break points and holds serve
16:20 2-1
Serena serves four straight aces and holds serve. Quite easily. That's what we call a text book performance.

16:23 2-2
Serena breaks Radwanska after playing a great game. And just like that she steals the lead.
16:27 3-2 Serena leads
Serena's dependable serve does the trick. 4-2

16:28
Radwanska has given Serena 3 chances to serve for the match. Yes folks Serena is three break oints up. Radwanska saves all three and takes it to deuce.Serena plays a brilliant drop shot and wins the game. She will now serve for the match.

16:35
Serena is the 2012 Wimbledon Champion.


16:46
  Tennis is a wicked sport. There's no other sport that requires the vanquished to put on a brave face and speak to the crowd and the world. Radwanska is literally weeping. The horror!!! She regains composure towards the end of her interview.

16:47
 Serena's so incredibly charismatic. For all her flaws that's the remarkable thing about her. Anyway folks, this has been fun.


Happy days,
Afam.

Female poseurs... I see you. You may have thought that one Afam (Hello) had neglected you, but this is not the case. You have been in my thoughts. I'll admit that I haven't been online window shopping for you yet and I know that you have every right to scold me. But never fear, I have been watching the tennis at Wimbledon. What does this have to do with you? It has everything to do with you. Tennis is an amazing sport. It's great for fitness, and your figure.

I imagine that several of you have not taken it up for the singular reason that you do not want to look like trolls while you play. In light of this, I (Afam) have been studying the latest trends at Wimbledon for your benefit. Wimbledon is the London fashion week of tennis inspired sports wear. The designers and models have displayed their wares and I have the winning look from the entire period. *drumroll*






Yes. The look of the tournament was provided by Venus Williams, who has her own clothing line called eleVen by Venus. In this dress she looks like a Nubian Queen. I would proclaim her Naett, the Princess of Elissa. It's a form fitting dress, with an assymetrical neckline and a beautiful back. Simples.

On a side note Venus is a joker. This dress is not yet available in stores. When it is it will probably be $96. You might say that the dress may bring bad luck on court, but who cares? With a dress like that you won't be going home alone.

Happy Days,
Afam

Today has been as much about Serena as it has been about me. I saw her Semi-Final match against Azarenka and I'm currently watching her doubles match against Kop-Jones and Spears. It's hard to believe that the Williams sisters have been swimming around my mind for the last 14 years. I can't remember what match it was where Richard Williams said, "If you think she's good, watch out for her little sister. She's going to be better." (I paraphrase but you catch my meaning). I'm not going to give you a full description of the careers of the Williams sisters. If you want that you can head on over to Wikipedia. No, I will not provide a link. I'd prefer it if you remained here.

Serena saw off Azarenka in two sets (6-3, 7-6). During the match she served 24 aces and was only broken once. I can't imagine what goes through the minds of those that face her. When she crouches into position she resembles a beast, or some heavy piece of machinery. I find it baffling that one so stocky has the audacity to be so quick. The camera never fails to linger on her focused gaze as she attempts to stare down her opponents. I can only imagine that she succeeds because even I who watch from the comfort of my couch am intimidated. At thirty they call her the best server in the game. At a press conference when asked if this Wimbledon was her last hoorah she said that she is as tough as nails. I don't know that womens tennis has ever encountered a force as strong. Several fans assume that the only edge she has is her overwhelming power. They neglect to mention her amazing touch and feel for the sport.

Venus has not has an easy go of it lately. We all know that she's been diagnosed with Sjorgen's syndrome, an incurable autoimmune disease. She says that she wakes up each morning unsure of how she's going to feel and that if not for the dream of winning another Olympic medal, she might not have come back at all. She made to the second round of the French open where she lost to Radwanska in two straight sets. This was not as bad as most reporters made it seem for Radwanska will be facing Serena Williams in the Wimbledon singles final on Saturday. Venus made it to Wimbledon, where she was removed in the first round. It was the first time that this had happened since her debut in Wimbledon in 1997.

The William sisters are through to the Wimbledon Doubles Semifinals in two straight sets (6-1) (6-3).

You might think that Serena carried the weight of the victories but this isn't the case. Venus has also played well all things considering. Her serve is still huge and her awareness of the court is brilliant. She's a devil at the net. In doubles their biggest advantage is that they are sisters. They seem to know when to yield to each other. That is something that cannot be gained through training. They move in sync and present in each of their games, is shades of the other (shades of the other sister).

They're beautiful to watch and I shall dread the day that they retire because I doubt that women's tennis will be as exciting.

Happy Days,
Afam.

Betty, the whole world and I just had a conversation on twitter. The conversation was of no great physical or metaphysical importance until Betty asked for my help. I shall relay the conversation with immediate alacrity.

Betty: Boys please help me understand something. Why do you say you like girls who have their own hair/little makeup. But then when you go to clubs you go for the girls with the longest weaves, loads of makeup on and fake eyelashes? Also why is it that you claim to love girls with curves yet you go for the skinniest girls? :s soo confusing, boys please help me understand.

And with that I was off. I jumped on my horse, galloped through the town and conducted a social inquiry.
The task proved daunting... I believe that it is because most boys are allergic to social surveys. In spite of this I managed to obtain commentary from Jimmy. He did not answer the entire question, but we make do.
Afam: (I asked the question)
Jimmy: Is this some sort of survey?
Afam: It's something like that, but don't let that put you off.
Jimmy: Well, I think it depends on the guy. I find it a little insulting that the question assumes that we all think exactly the same (I found no fault with that statement). I prefer girls with less make up. If a girl wears a lot of make up, then, be scared of how she looks without it.

My thanks to Jimmy for a well constructed response.

In my desperation for answers I even asked my friend Elliot.
Afam: (I asked the question)
Elliot: Erm Fam, you know I like big hairy men right?
Afam: You're such a drama king! put your straight hat on and answer the question.
Elliot: I like big hairy men, and I go for them in clubs. (He really does. It's quite bizarre) But sexy is sexy, so I go for whoever is sexy regardless.

However being a Knight errant in the fashion of the most romantic knight ever known, Don Quixote de la Mancha, I was unperturbed by the set back. I retired to my chambers to ruminate about the problem while watching Wimbledon. (Djokovic through to round 4; Watson is currently being schooled by Radwanska on centre court)

They  both touched on important ideas. But you're probably dying to hear what I think as I am the very definition of Man.

I am a man. I'm clever and fiercely intelligent in all regards but one, the female psyche. So please don't judge me too harshly. In light of this are you surprised that I'm fascinated by the extra long lashes, tonnes of make up and Brazilians all on display in a club? Have you considered that I may have been consuming buckets of alcohol, so my judgement is not at its' best?

 (International drinking rules dictate that when speaking about drinking alcohol one may not use the word drink to describe the action of drinking. In the event that one breaks this rule, one must consume!)

There's also the question of context. I may like to date girls who don't wear loads of make up but in a club I'm not exactly looking for girls of the dating kind. Furthermore it is necessary to note that we currently live in an age of political correctness and men have evolved to say whatever sounds politically correct even though what they claim may not be true.

I think Elliot has the right of it though. Sexy is sexy and guys go for whatever is sexy. So if you're feeling a little blue because you don't get a lot of attention in clubs; just because you choose not to wear tonnes of make up or install a weave, then find a way to be sexy. The same logic applies to curvy girls. If you do this the guys will come stampeding.

Happy Days,
Afam!