www.joblackcraze.co.uk

Here's the last conversation I had with Gil: http://theramblingsofamadman-afam.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/notes-on-summer-flings-importance-of.html

Dearest Fam,

Fam, I'll be straight with you. I have found myself in quite the quagmire. This matter is more important than all other matters I have ever brought before you. It is quite literally a matter of life and death. If I do not win her, I cannot think of it. Imagining a future without her would be just as intolerable as the very future of which I speak. If you do not intervene I shall lose her! I love her so. I am fairly confident that I shall never love another. Even if I were to love another, I would rip my heart from my breast because that would be a sin and as the good Saint Paul says, if it causes you to sin cut it off.

You'll help me won't you?

Yours,
Ogilvy

Dear Gil,
...
...
Gil, before I say anything I think it is necessary to remind you of all your so called life threatening situations.

Ruby, Tina, Juliet,  Ophelia, Desmonda, Mariam, Neferet, Ellie, Emma, Georgie, Yeti, Moonface, Whale, Lady, Won-won, Deidre, Frog, Sam and Lia. Do I need to remind of what all these girls had in common? You swore that you would love them from then until the end of all time.

Please assume some semblance of decorum and common decency. Pull yourself together and stop being such a drama queen.

By the way what happened to Lia? Did you not serve her the food of champions, dodo (fried plantain)?

Love,
Afam.

P.s don't take the good saint Paul too seriously. If you did you would be without, a Penis, eyes, and hands... I think you might be tongueless too.


Dear Fam,

Thanks for your speedy reply. I think you might be right about the good Saint Paul and I. I doubt that the amputation of all my sinful body parts would stop my lechery. I am a fallen man.

About Lia, I really did love her, but while I was preparing the food of champions: dodo, Coks text me. You know Coks don't you? She's the colour of a pawpaw and she's really leggy. I think you liked her when you were 11. She asked me if I'd like to see a movie and I was like totes. Of course that banished all thoughts of Lia from my mind. My mind was too busy calculating the possibilities...


I decided that we would see a nice chickish movie, Brave (The Disney one where the protagonist is a 16 year old girl). I thought that the movie would warm her towards me considerably. I know it seems like a safe choice but do you remember what happened when I took Frog to see Zombie Land? The WORST! I was so undone by the horribleness of the date that I walked into a street light on the way home.

Anyway, we saw the movie alone, together. It was fairly romantic if I do say so myself. During the movie, love descended upon me and I was, I mean I am completely besotted with her. After the movie we both went home and texted for the rest of the day. The very next day conversation was stunted. It was then that I began to fear that I would lose her. I was balls deep in the pits of despair when I emailed you. Help me before she goes off me completely. Please!

Love Gil


Dear Ogilvy,

Oh dear! I think you've lost her already.

Don't worry I know a local girl here who's dying to meet you. She'll sort you out it's ninety-nine and three quarters percent guaranteed.

Love Fam

Ps. I think I might provide you with a script just in case. Let's maximise all the possibilities of success!

Happy Days,
Afam.

I may not know very much about much at all but there is one topic about which I am well versed. I am so well versed that every time I consider how well versed and familiar with the subject I am, I cringe. I have suffered in my life. Don't burden me with your sympathy it only adds salt to the open wound.


For some time now I have been meaning to do a post about body odour because the situation is quite intolerable. Take yesterday for example. I stroll into my 9am lecture at 9:10am because the alarm clock on my London used Blackberry (This is a thing. In Lagos I know of many vendors that sell London used Blackberrys for £140. They are supposedly better than Nigerian used Blackberrys. On a side note is the blural of Blackberry Blackberrys or Blackberries?) is very temperamental. By temperamental I mean that it often "forgets" to wake me at 7am.

I stroll into my Chinese Economy lecture at 10 minutes past 9, with sleep heavy eyes and a cruel expression.

10 minutes past 9 is far too early to burden the world with smiles and laughter. You must be cranky. There is companionship to be found in collective grumpiness.

I take my seat at the front of the lecture because I find that my close proximity to the lecturer keeps me from sleeping. I have only been sitting for about 10 minutes when I am blessed by an odour most foul. It is only 9 in the morning, what reason have you to be so stinky? It wasn't the I haven't showered this morning sort of smell, it was the I stink of week old cigarettes and sweat kind. There is no smell worse than this. It is EVIL.



I was so moved by the subject that I decided to do something that I haven't done in a really long time, A SURVEY!!!

I secured a meeting with my American correspondent, J.P.

Afam: J.P what are your thoughts on body odour?

J.P: It should be eradicated at all costs. Though natural it is grotesque.

Afam: Interesting. Which would you say is the worst kind?

J.P: The top 3 are: The African, The Indian and The Chinese. No offense Fam, that's just the way it is.

Afam: None taken brovings.

After that I turned to my neighbour, (yes we both inhabit the wildly peculiar structure known as Student Castle. I was quite tempted to name him Rochelle but I decided against it) Roch

Afam: Hey Brosky! What are your thoughts on body odour?

Roch: Well, I think its unacceptable in 2012. There is no reason for one to smell in this day and age. Roll on is cheap and effective and a shower is even cheaper.

Afam: Very well said.

Roch: Is this for the blog?

Afam: Yes. I just handed some assessed coursework in and I thought I'd celebrate by discussing a very important issue.

I had heard from two guys, and while their opinions are extremely valid and important I sought for one with a more gentile touch. I sought out Asquith's able sister, Keji.

Afam: Keji!!!

Keji: Yes Afam?

I wasn't too pleased with that reply. It was a bit like a "what now?!"

Afam: What do you think about body odour? 

Keji: it's horrible.

Afam: Which kind would you say is the worst?

Keji: Are there different kinds?

Afam: Of Course!!

Keji: You've spent far too much time thinking about this...

Afam: I agree.

Keji: Of all the smells that I have encountered that of the Nigerian Lesson teacher /tutor is the worst. It's very bold. It attacks the nose with full bodied vigour. It is vaguely reminiscent of a slap. Nigerian car mechanic would be a close second.

Afam: Thanks.

Keji: Anytime babe.

I cocked an eyebrow at babe. Being called babe always makes me cock an eyebrow.


Because so many people agreed with me on the Subject I decided that it would be in the best interest of all if I crafted a Public Service Announcement.

Dear people of the world, I am well aware that during your daily activities most of you pick up some odour or the other. You cannot be blamed for this, after all you're only human. Most of you do all you can to rid yourself of this slight disadvantage but some of you are infinitely wicked and malicious. You revel in your smelliness and impose it on others. You ride in the London Underground during rush hour without showering for weeks. You breathe out through your mouth when you know that you smoke 50 a day. You fail to bless yourself with some deodorant or the other because you can't be bothered. For the love of God and all things good, be kind to your fellow man.

However if you use this perfume below...

Cease and Desist!! It makes one ill.

Happy Days,
Afam

Ps. Do you agree with J.P? Do Africans really smell the worst? Do they really have the worst body odour? Feel free to:
tweet your answers at me here: https://twitter.com/Afam20
Facebook your answers here: http://www.facebook.com/theramblingsofamadmanafam
or just leave a comment below.

Last weekend was particularly challenging. You see, I am starting to believe that I have both the stamina and temperament of a hundred year old arthritic man.

On Friday night I was fortunate enough to attend a pokemon themed pub crawl. Yes, this is a thing. I dressed up as a member of team rocket. For those of you that aren't geeks or dweebs or nerds below is what a member of team rocket looks like.


Then on Saturday night I had the distinct pleasure of attending a spectacular 21st birthday celebration. This one was done properly. The celebrant, Zeek, turned 21 on the night of the party. This is undoubtedly the best way to do things. I find it unreasonable that anyone should hold a party six months after the day of importance.

I had the best time! I danced a little. Stared a little (Miss Leggy from Dabi's Party: The Saga of Love (Part 2) was there. I had great difficulty taking my eyes off her. I am fairly confident that if I combine all the mental pictures I have taken of her over the past year and a half, I should have seen just about all of her. This is rather exciting. She on the other hand wasn't that keen on my fine visage but I didn't mind too much. There is no love sweeter than the unrequited). I enjoyed the fine liqueur available (Is there any caffeine in Patron? I should hate to have cheated on my pledge of ultimate abstinence from the stuff). And I made two very interesting friends.

It sounds like the best night doesn't it? It would have been had the most shocking thing not happened. At around two o'clock in the morning, while in the middle of a truly spectacular move of medal winning spasticness (To say that I am a prodigy on the dance floor would be no great exaggeration) I felt tired. It wasn't the usual sort of tiredness where you need an hour long power nap to recharge your batteries, it was the sort of tiredness that felt like if I didn't hibernate for a week I would die. I dragged myself out of the venue and put myself in a taxi. When I got home I soothed my aching joints and muscles with a cup of Twinings fresh and fruity tea. I wondered how I had managed to age so much in the last three years and revelled in the days of my youth; the days when I could go out on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and still be up for another go on the following Monday.

Happy Days,
Afam

Ps. Even though it's Monday and your birthday was on Sunday and even though you'll probably read this sometime in December, I think it's still worth saying happy birthday. I would say more but I have just finished dominating my squash session and I reek of manliness.