Notes on Metal Garrurumon, Famz, and other such nonentities

Famz is not a new thing in Nigeria...

I'm sorry about the opening line. You see, it's a little bit of an inside joke. When I was a very young school boy a little over a decade ago at a rather good Nigerian boarding school, I did a subject called the Introduction to Technology. In this subject I was taught that the definition of technology was "Technology  is not a new thing in Nigeria." If your answer did not include that phrase, it was a little better than rubbish.

Now that you understand I'll begin again.

Famz is not a new thing in Nigeria. Now you're probably thinking, "BUT WHAT THE METAL GARRURUMON IS FAMZ?"

Metal Garurumon is a digimon. I often insert the names of pokemon, digimon and other such nonentities in the place of swear words because being a potty mouth can never ever be attractive. Inserting the names of Pokemon, digimon and other such nonentities is infinitely more interesting than swearing because you'll be thought of as a geek. Geek is sheek. This is probably a good place to state that this paragraph is asexual.

Behold Metal Garrurumon

Because I really didn't know how to define the word famz I turned to the Urban dictionary because it's generally a good, well informed source on all relevant global matters. The Urban Dictionary defines famz as...

"a nigerian word popularly used amongst the children of the rich elite especially in Lagos. You know, students in Grange, Whitesands, Greensprings, Redeemer's, Vivian Fowler, Lagoon, Atlantic-Hall, Olashore, Avi-Ceena, Dowen, Corona e.t.c

It refers to a situation where someone you do not know familiarises themselves with you because they have heard about you or because you're such a friggin legend or because you're popular. This typically refers to someone who is not in your social circle or someone who may be trying to infiltrate your social circle just so he/she can say "shiit i know him/her, we're friends"


The above is heavily paraphrased. I wasn't able to put the actual quote on the old blog without altering it. If you are so inclined you may find the original here

If you are the sort of person that would allow filth like this to spew from your mouth or roam about in the undoubtedly empty fixture you call a head then remove stick from anus immediately. It's not that serious and you're not that important. If you are so fortunate that people should seek to befriend you because of your reputation then be thankful. If you find that their advances are improper and/ or uncalled for then be polite about it.


The thing about the word famz is that it's age specific. It should only ever be used by those between the ages of 11 and 17. Those in their spring time of youth. The spring time of youth is an amazing time. It allows for the indulgence of every stupid impulse one might have.

I'll share one of my very daft impulses with you. When I was 13, I decided that it was about time that I started sagging. There's really nothing sexier than some bum cleavage right? In comparison to the other boys at school my boxers were pretty decent too. They were too decent to not be on public display. They were all Marks and Spencer's pick and mix with the exception of one or two Gap numbers. It was on one fine saturday morning that I realized that while sagging might be cool it wasn't for me. I'd sagged my gym shorts during early morning exercise. While doing push ups the elastic band of my gym shorts tugged on the base of my boxers and revealed my arse to the entire year. I did not realise this until some concerned citizens tapped me on the back and informed me that I had been mooning everyone for the better part of 5 minutes. My trousers remained rooted to my unusually high waist after that. Sagging is not for everyone. Fortunately it's no longer cool. I think it was quite the unhygienic trend. One layer between the gassy expulsions of your body and the unsuspecting world is not enough.

To relieve the twenty somethings that may or may not have peaked in high school of their shame (Because using the word famz at your age is rather shameful), I Afam have come up with a most ingenuous plan.

From this day until the end of all days the verb To Famz  will now mean to read the ramblings of a madman Afam.

The noun Famzer will be restricted to one who reads the Ramblings of a Madman Afam.

In a sentence:
I did a lot of Famzing yesterday. Afam is such a clever chap!

I am a Famzer. 

There's no need to thank me. Yes, I am the kindest most considerate soul in all the world. So I'll get at you later Famzers.

Happy Days,
Afam